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Low self esteem & I hate myself and positivity makes me uncomfortable

Hi everyone

I have always had low self esteem since i was a young child and I always feel like im not good enough or that im stupid and worthless and I feel like a burden to others that i deserve nothing and am more trouble than im worth, I always have had a bad relationship with my dad and he was emotionally abusive (sometimes physically) and has a hard time controlling anger. I see a psychologist and we are working on my self esteem but i hate it she tries to prove to me that im not stupid and it makes me feel horrid I hate it trying to be happy and positive and to like myself make me feel very uncomfortable and when other such as my friends and psychologist say im not stupid or that i did a good job i resent them and think they are full of Bull***t and I think I like being negative it feels normal and I feel silly trying to be positive and doing all that positive self talk Erhgh it makes me feel real bad and I just find happiness and optimism in general to be irritating i know i should be positive but i cant do it and i dont deserve it, i have spent so long hating myself that i cant do anything about it and its not going to work. For years everyones been telling me to be positive but i cant do it it just isnt me. I really dont enjoy going to my psychologist appointment i just cringe the whole way through and feel bad and awkward and I dont want to feel like I do but I feel if i felt any other way it would be wrong. i also have a difficult time talking about my strengths and feel stupid if i say or think something is a strength of mine. My self esteem and general unhappiness is causing me so much trouble its stoping me doing my assignments i will sit down and try yo do them but i physically cant think of what to write and i have a mental block and spend the rest of the night crying about how dumb i am i also get angry very easily and I take it out on others and if i feel bad im mean to others and It makes me feel better and I know thats bad.

sorry for the rant I just dont know what im doing 

Re: Low self esteem & I hate myself and positivity makes me uncomfortable

Hi @Alec29 and thank you for sharing part of your story with the ReachOut community. We're glad you're here.

 

It seems like you've got a lot going on at the moment and you're really struggling with your self-esteem. You said that your dad could be physically abusive - are you safe right now? 

 

If straight-out positive self-talk doesn't help/makes you uncomfortable, maybe you could try self-talk that's simply "not negative," rather than positive.

 

For example, negative self-talk might be "I hate myself."

Positive self-talk, the opposite extreme, might be: "I choose to love myself" or "I accept myself."

Something more in the middle might be: "I am finding it hard to be kind to myself."

 

Another thing that helped me when I was first starting to challenge my negative self-talk was to write down what I was thinking, sort of a stream of consciousness style. This way, I could see (and had physical evidence of) what was going on in my mind. When I felt ready, I would also try to find evidence against my negative self-talk. I also found it hard to verbalise positive ideas about myself, and writing them down was a way of not having to do that, kind of like easing myself into better self-esteem.

 

e.g. negative thought = I have no friends
Evidence against = [name of] person texted me this morning. They chose to contact me, etc.

 

Do those sound like something you might be able to try? Smiley Happy

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Low self esteem & I hate myself and positivity makes me uncomfortable

@Alec29 thanks for sharing. 

 

I think you've made a really good point about how hard it is to change!

 

 

We hear about people transforming themselves like in weight loss or success or fitness or career or life and it always seems like it was easy. Like "I just stopped eating sugary drinks and drank water instead" - even that would be INCREDIBLY HARD TO DO!!!!!

 

So when we try to change ourselves personally we expect it to be a LOT easier than it is.

 

That's when I look to athletes. I find them to be a good reminder of how hard physical change is to achieve.

 

You've literally got to TEAR the muscle for it to rebuilt itself stronger than before.

 

And that's what I think you and your psychologist are trying to do with improving your positivity and self-esteem. 

 

IT WILL BE HARD> It goes against your natural tendencies but so does running a marathon and lifting heavy weights. We think we can't do it, we've never done it before, but by taking baby steps we can get there eventually. ....sometimes taking a step backwards along the way...

 

You sound like you're trying SO hard and I really admire you for that but I encourage you to keep going. Tread your own path and find your own way to happiness but remember when it's difficult it's because your "self-esteem" and "positive outlook" muscles are growing.

 

Take care

Re: Low self esteem & I hate myself and positivity makes me uncomfortable

Hey @Alec29,

 

How have you been going lately? I just wanted to check in with you and see if any advice you've been given so far was super helpful? As the others have said, breaking a habit is so so hard but it sounds like you'd really like to try to do it. Let us know how you are going Cat Happy

 

 

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Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either way you are right.
– Henry Ford