cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Mental Illness Ruining My Life

I am eighteen years old.

I have been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder for a year now... but have been battling mental illness for many years. I often get uncontrollable waves of depression too, which makes most days unbearable. 

Because of GAD, it is often hard for me to trust people. The moment I am close with someone, I give in to all of my insecurities and persistent worrying. That is why my relationship with my boyfriend (whom I've been with for over a year) is beginning to strain. He doesn't want to believe it... or he doesn't freely admit it... but I know that being with me is emotionally draining. 

And I hate the fact that I am becoming a toxic girlfriend because of my mental illness. 

My lack of trust is probably the reason I don't seek help often. Why I often take it upon myself to try to put control on the inevitable. Because I hate letting people in.... making them see how vulnerable I am. I have done that before; too many times. People don't believe me. People don't believe the pain I am in. My closest friends cannot see my suffering, no matter how many different ways I try to explain it. And the people who do try to understand can only look at me through sympathy. I feel alone. I am alone. 

I cannot remember the last time I successfully went a full day without crying. Without having an impending sense of doom and worthlessness. Without hating myself. Without worrying about every little extract of my day. Without having this sickening feeling of guilt that chokes up my throat and forces my heart to pound in my chest. 

Because of the death of a close loved one, I now fear death. Death consumes my dreams. The potential death of my boyfriend... of my family, is all I think about. I dread death. I cannot have my boyfriend (or parents for that matter) go anywhere without him texting me beforehand. I will count down the minutes to wait for him to reach his destination. If he takes a second longer than he should've? I'm already ready to call the police/drive there myself/text his family.... all to see if he is still alive. This fear is so irrational.... but not to me. 

My school lacks support about mental illness. They pride themselves on their attention to detail when it comes to the mental health of students... but they are kidding themselves. The school have been directly contacted by my own mother about the suicidal thoughts racing through my mind... and NOTHING was done about it. The school counsellor was then notified about this by my own worried boyfriend... and NOTHING is currently being done about it. People at school look at me like a freak. I try to maintain the smile that everyone expects of me. I laugh at people's jokes, make small talk, engage in class discussion, never speak an ill-word about anyone. But it's getting too hard to act... I am already cracking. Especially after my last anxiety attack... two days ago. It was the worst I've ever had. It's been my tipping point. It has opened up something inside of me, and I fear it can only get worse from here. 

That's why I needed to reach out. I've tried seeing a psychologist... it didn't work. I don't want to have to rely on medication, but I think I am at that stage. 

I just need to get part of my story out. It's killing me not to have anyone there for me that understands. I am hoping that someone here does. That someone might have some clue as to how to control my anxiety.... or at least manage it better than I already am. 

It starts here... 

Re: Mental Illness Ruining My Life

Hi @BlueBeat, welcome to ReachOut and thanks for sharing your experience with us all here. It sounds like your journey has been very difficult so far. It must be exhausting to have to put on a fake persona while you are at school and not receiving any support. That must feel quite discouraging and upsetting Smiley Sad It can be so hard to open up to other people, particularly health professionals. A lot of our members here have had experiences with struggling to share their story. It is not always easy and as straight forward as it seems. So I do want to point out how brave you are for reaching out with this post today. Often help seeking is a journey that involves trial and error. It is okay to have a session or two with a psychologist and then realise that they are not the right fit for you. It can be hard work trying to find a therapist that you get along with.. but once we do, that is where the healing begins. As you mentioned, you really want someone out there who understands.. and this is how it should feel with your therapist Smiley Happy Do you think you would be open to seeing a psychologist again?

 

Just so you know, we have community guidelines to ensure that we can keep all community members safe. More specifically, when talking about suicide, we ask that members include whether they are safe or not right now and steps they are taking to reduce their distress. As you mentioned thoughts of suicide, I was wondering if you were currently thinking of suicide? Are you safe right now? If you feel like you need immediate support now or at any time, we encourage you to reach out to these crisis support services. A lot of people use these services when they are feeling unsafe, are in high distress or in between their regular health professional appointments Heart 

Re: Mental Illness Ruining My Life

I did many sessions with this psychologist... I know I should've ended it sooner because I would often get very angry during these times and I was not gaining the constructive feedback I had wanted too. I have been a bit skeptical into going back to the psychologist... worrying that my experience will be the same. That is why I have turned to this online forum, however I am trying to slowly draw myself back into the routine of seeing a psychologist. 

Addressing the issue of suicide, I was encapsulating the dark place I was in only a few months ago.

Apologies.

I have VERY recently tried to change my attitude around towards my situation. I know I value my life... I value the lives of my friends and family and I know that I could never put myself and my loved ones in harms way. I am trying to finds ways in which I can manage my anxiety and depression to maintain healthy relationships and have a brighter outlet on life.

That's why I needed to let this out... because I don't want this mental illness to win. 

Re: Mental Illness Ruining My Life

Hey @BlueBeat Smiley Happy
I’m not really sure how to give advice to your situation but I thought it was worth giving it a try.. I am in a VERY similar place to you so I thought I’d just share my story to let you know you aren’t alone 😊
I also have anxiety and depression episodes quite frequently.. I have not lost someone close to me but recently came so close to losing my brother which has brought a fear of losing people. It is hard, I know..
As for my boyfriend.. I am in an opposite situation compared to you. My mental health doesn’t affect him negatively but his mental health has affected me.
I also understand how difficult it is to trust people as 4 of my counsellors/psychologists have broken my trust but if you want to trust someone you can work up to that trust. I done that with my online counsellor and used a few sessions to get to know each other and now she knows more about me than my parents do! Trust is really hard to have towards someone but if you give it time before opening up to someone, you can build that trust relationship Smiley Happy
Back to the fear of losing people we love.. this is actually really common. It may seem hard and I know it’s a personal problem but you can get past this with the right help Smiley Happy no one deserves to have constant stress that their family is going to die..
my advice would be, try to understand that this is a common problem that many people suffer with so don’t feel as if you are alone, focus on the things that you can control so this could involve doing things to take your mind off your things while your boyfriend is out (basically distract yourself), find coping strategies that are helpful for you.. there is a really helpful thread on coping strategies and I’ll tag you in it after I post this if you want to have a look
Good luck Smiley Happy

Re: Mental Illness Ruining My Life

Hi @BlueBeat . I just wanted to say that it's really brave of you to open up and share what you are going through. I felt like I had to comment because so much of what you described and what you are going through resonates with me so much it actually felt like I was reading my own story. I am a few years older than you but I was diagnosed with GAD and depression at the end of high school. I really wasn't coping and I pushed a lot of people away because I couldn't control my emotions and anxiety. I broke up with my boyfriend of the time because I felt like I destroyed the relationship and I lost a whole group of friends. It was a real scary time and my teacher linked me in with headspace for support. I didn't really know much about what was happening and I had psychologists appointments that were really hard at first and i couldn't open up at all. Soon after I went on medication which did actually help for a while but then I stopped taking them. Recently I've been going through a really hard time and I've just started taking medication again and having a lot of different people check in with me. 

 

I don't know your full story and it's okay, you don't have to tell me anything - but I wanted you to know that you're not alone in your struggles. They are real and valid and I think you're taking the right steps to reach out for support. It's going to take some time but I think you can do it. Communication is so important. I really hope you can find something that can help, whether it be group therapy (art or music or aninals), one on one, medication or speaking to a GP or friend...there are always options. 

 

I'm so glad to hear that you value your life. You sound like a great person. 

Re: Mental Illness Ruining My Life

Hi @BlueBeat

 

I mostly just want to say that I believe you.

Anxiety and depression are just... awful..

 

I've had some similar experiences.

I've struggled to trust people since I was really little, I tend to avoid making friends.

I hope that having RO will help a bit though. Personally I find it much easier to be vulnerable here than in real life.

 

As you may've noticed, there are a fair few people here who've also got anxiety, myself included.

I personally do take medication, which I find really useful.

But taking medication can be a really personal decision, and there's no shame in choosing either way. 

 

 

Do you mind if I ask what you're already doing to manage your anxiety? 

Re: Mental Illness Ruining My Life

Hi @Bananatime04 

Thank you so much for responding. I didn't know what I expected when I started typing on this site... but I didn't expect this level of care. 

Although it's terrible that you experience something similar to me, it gives me a massive load of reassurance that I AM NOT ALONE in this. Interesting about your experience with your boyfriend, however I may understand where you are coming from. 

Thank you about telling me your experience with the psychologist. I know that if I try hard enough, I will someday find the psychologist more than me. An online counsellor actually sounds interesting... and something that I would be willing to participate in. I think it really takes the edge of the nerves through not needing to make face-to-face conversation which is often quite intimidating. 

And I am trying to look past the worry of death.... even my parents say they often worry about my wellbeing! It's just so persistent and often hard to ignore, which makes it really difficult. 

Thank you again for your support Smiley Happy

Re: Mental Illness Ruining My Life

Hey @mspaceK ,

Thank you so much for responding! Every response helps... especially when the other person is willing to open up to help make a positive change in the person in need. 

It's been really hard to tell people the full extent of everything. So many times I have considered even starting an Instagram page... just to try to create awareness about mental illness. But with each consideration of doing this, I have always stopped myself with worry about stigma and judgement. 

I'm sorry to hear about the split. That must've been extremely hard on you... and would not have made matters any better. But I understand where you are coming from; there have been a few times when I almost felt the absolute need to break up with my boyfriend (even though I cannot imagine a life without him) just so he could live a healthy and happy life without my constant negativity. 

I have heard many pros and cons to do with medication.... sounds like it's been pretty effective for you? I have definitely been considering it for a while. 

Thank you. Not many people believe in the full extent of my suffering... it not only makes me feel isolated but it makes me feel insane. It's nice to hear that I am heading in the right direction in terms of getting the support and help I need to get better. 

Again, every comment helps. You had made a great impact on my journey to overcome mental illness Smiley Happy

Re: Mental Illness Ruining My Life

Hi @Tiny_leaf 

Thank you for responding and believing in my mental illness! It does make me feel a lot more grounded and secure in myself when I know someone else understands. 

Yes... it is definitely a lot easier to express myself over this forum than face-to-face with someone. 

Like others, you have also mentioned you are using medication. I have been skeptical about it... but I am getting positive feedback and I think it may be something I will be taking soon! All for the better.

To be honest, I am not doing anything sufficient in managing my anxiety. In fact, literally nothing. Looking after myself without any current professional help... it's been hard. It's been extremely difficult to look at the positives in life and to find management plans for my mental illness when I only have myself to predominantly rely on. I know I have the support of my family and friends... but it's a burden I don't want to let rest on their shoulders. 
Thank you again Smiley Happy 

 

Re: Mental Illness Ruining My Life

@BlueBeat reach out is an amazing community! It’s exactly what I thought when I first came here Smiley Happy
If you are interested in starting online counseling, kids helpline offer email, over the phone and web chat (basically messaging someone live) support for young people and offer weekly 1 hour sessions. You also get to talk to the same counsellor regularly which is great! I’ve been talking to mine for over a year.
There’s also eheadspace which do the same but I used to chat there and they leave when you’re connected to face to face support.. I didn’t know that when I began going there and was heartbroken when I found out I had to leave and couldn’t talk to her again so I’d recommend kids helpline Smiley Happy the web chat queues can be up to an hour wait, the phone queue is usually around 15 minutes and emails take about a week to get a reply.
Good luck if you decide to try this Smiley Happy