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More Bad News

I'm so over going to the doctors, becasue everytime I do I usually only hear bad

So today I went to the doctors and they told me that the chemotherapy that I am on is not working, my body isnt reacting to it the way it should be, which means that I now need to start this new treatment that is going to knock me around a lot more then the ast chemotheraphy. Im still in the process of deciding weather I want to do chemo or if I want to leave it and just live my life with the time that I have left. But with each day going by there is a risk of the cancer soreading to other parts of my body, an i dont what that to happen but this isnt a decison I can make lightly, I really need to decide what Is best for me, but i dont know what that is. Im so scared that if I do this chemo it might not work either, i am scared to tell my mum becasue i dont know what she will do or say, i cant go and talk to my cousin about it as she still isnt speaking to me and wont talk to me anytime soon by the looks of things. 

i JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!! 

why does life have to be so god dmn hard, 

 

these last few days have been difficult with it being the anniversary of my grandfathers death 1 year without him has been extremely hard and i just want things to end! 

Re: More Bad News

Hey @Talitha93

I'm so sorry to hear this. And about your grandfather's death. Anniversaries can be hard.

If you've been doing chemo and having side effects from that, your mum will probably be aware of where you're at in terms of your illness and treatment, so hopefully it won't be a big shock for her to learn that you're needing to try a different course of treatment. Do you think you could take that risk and tell her? I'm sure she'd prefer to know and be able to support you.

Best of luck with the new treatment! Let us know how you're going.

 

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@blithe
I know I need the treatment but i hate being sick now with ghis chemo i dont want anymore. i just want to be drug free.
To be honest at the moment i dont know what to tell my mum or how to tell her. We dont see much of each other as she is always at work and im usually asleep when she comes home

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Hey @Talitha93

 

Sounds like you have heaps going on right now Smiley Sad It must be really hard for you to communicate with your family at the moment because of the anniversary of your grandpas death. I'm sure everyone is feeling pretty down. You know what though? What you're going through is pretty important and i'm sure your mum cares about you a lot. I think it would be worth talking to her about your treatment options. She might help you to decide which path you want to take.

 

If you don't feel up to talking to her just yet, maybe you could talk to a psychologist or one of the people at eHeadspace or Lifeline? eHeadspace and Lifeline are online and sometimes you have to wait a little while before you chat, but it sounds like it might be handy to get an outside opinion on what you're going through too. What do you think?

 

Alternatively, you could write a "pro" and "con" list at home which might help you to decide. You could do one about your treatment, and one about talking to your mum. Sometimes these help you to decide on your next move.

lanejane

Re: More Bad News

@Talitha93 , I am so sorry to hear about your situation, it is not fair and it sounds like you are having to be really brave and courageous.  To second what @lanejane has said, your mum will most likely have your best interests at heart, cares about you and is concerned for your wellbeing, so it might help to talk to her.  However, this is your situation, so do not feel pressured like you have to do something.  All decisions are rightly yours, but just be sure you think your options through thoroughly.  @lanejane 's idea of a pros and cons list was a great one.  If you talk to your mum, she might be able to help with this.

 

Is there anything you are able to look forward to, or to circle as a goal? It is really terrible that you have had to go through this, and I really don't want you to lose hope, but I understand how this could happen.  How is your emotional state most of the time?

 

Once again, this is a really unfortunate and sad situation, but you have been so so brave and outstandingly inspirational.  We love hearing from you in the forums so please keep us posted

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@lanejane- My mum has sooo much going on at the moment she is stressing enough. My older brother has gone crazy and she is really worried about him, so I dont want to add to the pressure she is already under with my brother. I hate watching my mum struggle and if i can do anything to help her it would be to keep some things to myself. I know its the wrong thing to do but that all i feel i can do right now.
I spoke to my doctor and said for now i want to put a hold on treatment.
I will try the pros and cons list.

@tsnyder- they are my decisions but i always seem to make the wrong ones lately and im scared like crazy. Usually i have my cousin to help me with this stuff and these decisions but she wont speak to me.
Umm well i was not long ago in training to play soccer professionally but that can't happen any more.
My emotions change one moment i can be happy and the next i could be crying just wishing i could go to sleep and this will all be over. I have my good days and bad days..
I just hate this soooo much

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Hey @Talitha93  when you say you want things to end and be over, are you talking about the cancer or your life? I just want to check that you're safe and not having any thoughts of harming yourself. I know this is an incredibly difficult, confusing period for you but it helps to have people in your corner. I'm sure your mum has enough love and time for both you and your brother, and would be happy to support you through this. Yes, it might make her a bit stressed because it's hard to see someone you love struggling, but you can lean on each other and get through it together.

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@ElleBelle - just the whole cancer thing waking up and it be all gone, i cant deal with it anymore its too hard. I couldnt do that to my mum, I hate adding more stress onto her. she has enough to worry about rather then my pitty little things that I have kept to myself for a while now. 

I'm just finiding it hard to deal with. 

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That's completely understandable @Talitha93 this is a difficult journey and it's going to be hard to deal with at times. Is there anyone else you feel comofrtable talking to if not for your cousin or mum? Your boyfriend, an old soccer teammate, anyone like that?

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@ElleBelle- when i was first diagnosed with cncer my boyfriends and I broke up he said he couldnt handle being with someon that is pretty much a ticking time bomb, i have lost a lot of friends dur to my illness- which is why i find it hard to open up to people as everyone ends up walking away any way.