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Re: Moved Post - Meaningful relationships? What're those?

more or less. 

Re: Moved Post - Meaningful relationships? What're those?

Honestly? I'm not sure. Small steps seems more reasonable, but unless there's someone really involved in my life making sure I stay on track, I'm never going to get anywhere. It feels like that's what my case worker is trying to do, but I guess she can't be as involved as I need her to be

Re: Moved Post - Meaningful relationships? What're those?

This isn't a constant problem for me, but it's still one of many things that renders me paralyzingly upset on an excessively frequent basis. I had a partner throughout 2014; we broke up early last year. Looking back, it was more of an unhappy relationship than a happy one for more than half of the duration (I believe it started going downhill about 4 months in?) though I was sticking it out in the hopes that things would get better. That, and I was depending on him for affection, and in my mind, it was easier to try and deal with the frustrations than leave him and find someone new.

 

It's been almost 2 years since we broke up, and as far as I can tell, I was right about staying. All of my attempts at dating and hooking up have been disappointing at best, and frustrating/possessive at worst. I didn't really have a choice, though; he was the one who ended it. I doubt he would've taken me back, even if I had begged, and he started dating someone new around this time last year, so I'm sure he's forgotten about me completely by now.

 

I read this brochure on "surviving relationship breakups" but it's useless to me:

- I don't have any supportive friends or family to seek company from, never mind help.

- I don't have anyone to talk it out with, and from past experience, talking about what's bugging me just spirals me even further down.
- I don't know what a "realistic" time frame for getting over a relationship breakup is, but I'm sure a year and 7 months later is much too late to still be thinking about it, never mind letting it completely impede carrying out daily life.

- I don't need to go anywhere that we used to hang out a lot too often, but I will say very mean things to anyone who tries to tell me this is the silver lining.

- Distractions are useless; they don't work when I'm being controlled by every other shitty thing that gets me down, they sure won't work here.

- Again, I can't manage self-care without this insignificant point in my life bearing down on me. "The straw that broke the camel's back" comes to mind.

- I can think of lots of things that make me comfortable. I can even think of things that're almost guaranteed to lift me from a shitty mood. Lots of them revolve around intimacy, though, and I can only accept that that's not ever going to be a possibility for me for so many times before I decide it's not even worth trying to be happy with what I've got.

- It's hard for me to do "fun" things when I can hardly find anything fun anymore. I can barely justify going to work, and they pay me good money to do that. 

 

As for the "You may feel worse if" points, six of them apply to me. I'll admit, I've never broached on the topic of this relationship too deeply with counsellors and the like, but I guess that's because I know better than to think I actually care, or even cared, about him specifically. Call me cynical, but "true love" is not really something I believe in, nor did I when I agreed to commit to a relationship with him. I can be faithful, I can look out for others' needs (probably more attentively than my own for the most part) I can take a relationship seriously and I can compromise, but ultimately, he was just a fuck buddy with a bit more security to me.

This brochure seems to make a lot of empty promises about a brighter future. It doesn't say anywhere that you'll only have another serious romantic relationship if you can convince someone else you are worthy of that title, and as far as intense grief passing into something less painful "over the weeks ahead," it's been about 80 weeks; I'm wondering when it starts getting less painful. 

 

Still, I suppose I'm giving off mixed messages here. The pain hasn't gotten any more bearable (if anything it's gotten worse,) though I feel like it wouldn't hurt so much, if at all, that he's moved on if I had too. I haven't though, I'm still in the exact same shitty situation I was in when it ended; I still have all those needs that I talked about earlier in this thread, and the more time goes by, the less rationalism I can apply to everything.

 

 

Re: Moved Post - Meaningful relationships? What're those?

@cole on sea please try not to feel like you need to or should be over someone by a certain time frame. These things take a lot of time and it is different for everyone - it sounds like the journey has been really tough for you Smiley Sad

It seems like you are feeling fairly stuck in your current situation - am I right in thinking that?

Is there any changes you could make in your day-to-day life that might help you feel a little less stuck?

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Re: Moved Post - Meaningful relationships? What're those?

Hey @cole on sea thanks for jumping back on RO, it's good to hear from you again I was wondering how you were traveling.

 

That sounds like a really hard space to be in, to still have these intense feelings and also feel that lack of support.

Do you  feel like all your efforts with others have been unsucessful with relationships in general? Or is it more other people are not providing you the support and energy you need?

Sometimes when I go round and round in my head about what I am not achievening, or what's not going right, I will stay there for a very long time. To be exact, 24 months I once perpetuated with similar thoughts (totally feel for you, frustrating couple of years!).

I am just wondering, is there one thing you haven't tried in regards to your struggles with relationships and in getting past your ex? Or any strategy you've been thinking of trying (i.e. mindfulness, gratitude, social meet ups)? Also bummer about the brochure, I am sorry it didn't work out - hopefully the RO community can provide some other great resources. RO has a lot of awesome articles such as this one that may help.

Re: Moved Post - Meaningful relationships? What're those?

It's really confusing. I'm not hung up over "him" specifically, it's more a case of not having anything to move on to and all I can fill that void with is him, no matter how futile it is. I screwed things up really badly when things ended; I sent all sorts of nasty and borderline creepy stuff to him over Facebook, creating account after account just to message him, since he kept blocking me, called him at stupid hours in the morning with a hidden number since he blocked my mobile, threatened to damage the property of his that I had if he wouldn't talk to me, since he didn't collect it before he broke up with me...it ended with him trying to get a restraining order on me. I managed to bump it down to an undertaking. It's been six months; it expires in May next year.

 

I still almost contacted him yesterday. He hasn't blocked my current Facebook account since I'm using a different alias and there's nothing on there that he could link to me. I was going to apologise to him, say that I can't justify what I did, and I don't expect him to want to talk to me again. I just hope that he can see past it and believe that I never wanted to do any of that. I just couldn't accept the alternative. I was upset with the lack of effort and compromise he was putting into our relationship. He saw that as "not his problem." I lashed out at him because I felt like it should be his problem. 

 

This seems to be a recurring theme for me, too. I can think of two other people I've spent a good year or so trying to make feel guilty for not giving me what I want, and no matter how much I can see that I'm just digging myself deeper, it seems like everything I do indicates that I want to suffer. Even recently, I found my next door neighbour on a hookup app, and ever since I went over there and things didn't work out, I've been unhealthily obsessed with whenever he leaves his apartment and comes in.

 

I despise all the negative things I do, yet whenever someone suggests I go do something positive, I balk at it. 

Re: Moved Post - Meaningful relationships? What're those?

It's both, really. I try to get on the front foot and see what I can do to appease my um..."target"...so to speak....what do they do for fun, is it something I can enjoy doing with them, is there anything I can help them with? Give them advice from past experience on? Do something to help solve a problem for them? 

 

I get nothing back. Can't find anything I can do for them, they don't express interest in recreational activities I suggest...god forbid I be open with them and admit that I'm lonely as fuck and need a cuddle, that'll send them running for the hills.

 

Even when I try to just let things happen naturally, nothing happens. I just casually put a suggestion out to them, and if they don't immediately put any effort into making it happen, I'll just take a step back and let them come to me. They never do.

 

I'm playing social tennis at the moment every Sunday; it's run by Vic Tennis. Sometimes they ask me to fill in when teams are short for their Monday night competition, too. I'm also attending a generalised group for young adults that goes for an hour or so every Friday just after lunch time; they organise a wide variety of meetups; Bowling, Laser Tag, Cafe meetups...we went to a park today.

 

I think one of the girls there has a crush on me. I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but if I'm right...I dunno what to think of it. It seems like a naive fairy-tale kind of crush. We don't have a lot in common. Guess I'll see what happens. I'm also going to my first session at the local Young and Gay workshop tomorrow. That'll go for a month and a half. I've heard lots of positive things, but again, I'll have to see what happens before I can comfortably say things are getting better.

Re: Moved Post - Meaningful relationships? What're those?

Hey @cole on sea the social tennis, workshop and the young adult social group sounds amazing and like there's potential to build new relationships. Look forward to hearing what comes of it!

Re: Moved Post - Meaningful relationships? What're those?

@cole on sea ooh the group workshop sounds really positive - let us know how it goes Smiley Happy 

Re: Moved Post - Meaningful relationships? What're those?

I suppose it went as well as one could expect. I don't really feel like I need to withhold much, but I still haven't had much practice talking to people.

 

Turns out I know one of the participants from elsewhere. I met him on a dating site a few weeks ago; we chatted for a bit, and we're both into Tennis. I told him about the social doubles that Vic Tennis runs, and we met up there last weekend. We also went to play some sets after the workshop yesterday, then we talked for a bit, had a bit of a cuddle, then I walked him home. He's meant to be coming over today, too; I spent three hours cleaning up when I got home last night.

 

Despite all that, I still can't feel like things are going to be okay. I mean sure, it's positive for now, but there's never any guarantees, and I've learned enough to wonder whether or not he has a long term plan for his future. I can do my best to give him all the love and affection he needs, but...financial dependance is a no go for me, and it feels like that might be what he wants down the track.