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My Brother Came Home Today

...I dont really have a good relationship with my brother.

In the past he has done things that made me absolutley hate him, things that i might not every forgive him, for the rest of my life. 

It makes me uncomfortable when he is around i have voiced that i dont want to see him again to my mother, she must know how i feel. 

However when she gets phone calls from him she tries to push me into talking to him.

When he visits she tries to make me say hi. 

She keeps making excuses for his behaviour. 

He has depression...but what he had done in the past...for me its gotten to the point where i dont care about him anymore...ive had enough, im tired of always smiling and being strong for other people.

When do i get a say?

...I just feel this deep pitted hatred...whenever i look at him...there's no more kindness in me to tollerate even be polite to him makes me feel sick. 

However this is the second time she has let him in.

He gets to stay over night im assuming tonight.

My nerves are already frayed from finishing some very stressful assignments and then this...

It makes me upset when he's here...i get tense and angry and sad all at the same times its emotionally distressing.

How could she do this?

She must knows how i feel by now!

..Maybe i wasnt clear enough...

She wants to do the whole support family thing with my brother...she doesnt want to do the whole choose thing between us.

But...i dunno she always seemed to have a preference for him over anyone else's makes me so angry. 

I will never forgive him.

I think this time...if she keeps choosing him...maybe i wont stick around to be the other choice for her, Its kind of going to ruin our relationship between me and my mom. 

Im considering moving out. 

im 17

Though im naiive and young with no experience of the outside world..anything is better then this.

I'd rather live on the streets.

...Im not sure how to deal with this anymore...

I want to tell her how i feel about her doing this but i dont know how to approach..she usually says he's her son too in her defense or brushes me off...but how much longer should i care?

Why should i have to suffer?

Havent I suffered enough for other people, what about my life?

I would never do what she does.

...When he's around i feel..trapped and scared like a caged animal...but also betrayed by my hurts, when she invites him over..and makes excuses for him...i feel alone.

What was the use of me being there for her all this time when she would so easily hurt me like this?

Makes me question what we even are sometimes... she claims we're a team..but it doesnt feel like it when she does this...i dont feel like i can trust her... sometimes...

...How do I tell her how I feel? 


Re: My Brother Came Home Today

Hi @BluezCluez, thank you for posting. This sounds like a really difficult and stressful situation, and it seems like you feel betrayed and angered by your mum when she lets your brother in and you really can't stand it anymore.  Having to deal with conflict with those closest to us is really hard and it's great that you're feeling brave enough to talk about it and ask for help! Also, although i don't know what has happened within your family, I really feel for your mum, this must be pretty heartbraking for her at times. 


What do you do to look after yourself when your brother is home?  Its really important that you have some ways of looking after your mental wellbeing during these times.   


Its understandable that you feel like your mum is choosing between you two, but it sounds like she is doing her best to care for both of you.  Perhaps you could talk to your mum about receiving a bit more support when your brother is home?  This sheet has some tips about how to have this discussion.


Let us know how you are going




Re: My Brother Came Home Today

...he was uh..abusive. mentally and sometimes physically it really wore down my mental health and affected my self esteem sometimes.. a lot the point where i was thinking suicidal thoughts at the time...the only way i really got away and had a break was at school..i hated the weekends and holidays


..its not a matter of some immature little fight we had..and it happened for years too, before he finally moved out. But now he's back mum again still doesn't have the common sense to say no and lets him walk all over all of us. She can't care for me can she...when she's letting over people treat me like crep and then to have the gall to making excuses for them even blamng me sometimes when it happened....which ever way you look at this..thats not love.



Whenever he comes around i have mini-panic attacks and locks myself in my room...he still pretends nothing happens and that we're friends....i hate him so much. some ways she's not much better...she's so worried about her "Son" ....she forgets her other kids and its not just me.. here either, im not the only one that suffered at his hands. 


What does she think will happen that we're all going to hold hands? Be one big happy family when he comes around?


I appreciate your advise but i've tried i really have, for years to be nice to understand his deppresion. To supporting my mum and letting that jerk stay here for so done trying to understand. 


Im over it...being deppresed does not give anyone the right to F##ck up other peoples lives...and since he's been gone iv'e finally been doing good for myself. Im at the Uni i wanted to go to, im finally feeling ok about myself and the suicidal thoughts have gone away. but now he's back...and im dealing with the same old sh#t...and i have a feeling its going to get worse and that my mom might just let him stay again....


I wont go back to that head not going to make myself feel like sh##t again because he's messed up. 

It took me so long to even build my confidence up again, to believe i was something better then trash, he loved to call me dumb A$$ and moron etc... 


It took me so long to believe i was worth something...i was never allowed to express myself much emotionally i have had to work through a lot of emotional blockages. 


Thank you for your support i really do appreicate it trust me..but i dont think understand...

Re: My Brother Came Home Today

Hey @BluezCluez,

Do you talk to your mother about how you are feeling? How do the conversations go down? Sometimes, mothers can be a bit blind towards these things by their love. You mentioned that you're not the only one that your brother has acted negatively towards, would you and the others that have similar feelings as you be able to explain to your mother as a group about how your brother has treated you and how you feel about him?

It is wonderful of you to have supported your mother through this for so long, despite how you feel. Even though you've had enough, and it's okay to of had enough, your mother might be having just as tough a time as you, although in a different way.

You are aboslutely right when you say being depressed does not give anyone the right to be a horrible person. Have you told your brother how his actions have hurt you before? If you have, then that's fine. Sometimes though, people can be unaware of how their actions hurt others.

What are some things that you do for self-care? Writing down a list of things to do, perhaps ones centered around your room so you can avoid your brother, is a great thing because then you can go back to it in times of stress.

I really do understand what you're going through. I have a brother that sounds a lot like yours, and a mother who is defensive of him. The best thing to do is ignore and stay away from him. It can be difficult if he is staying with you (I still live with mine) but not impossible. You can do this, and we are here to help you.

Re: My Brother Came Home Today

i told my mother that i absolutely hate having him around, of course she tries to push it down saying that i should hang out with him even a little. But i made my standing point clear saying i will not hang out with him I'm done with him, and don't want a relationship and that i will not be swayed, by the way this isn't some little situation we can talk about between me and my brother he knows what he done, I know what he's done everyone in my family knows..but like always everyone plays it off as no big deal. He even bugged me to hang out with him tonight... see we all act like nothing happened, a bunch of big fackers and pretenders. My mother knows..after all she was there when these abusive situations happened most of the time, she knows he's a jerk. i can't avoid my brother when i get home at night to go to uni the next day..what am i supposed to say "Oh Im happy your home? Why don't we be great pals hang out and talk like old friends?" Its not a normal circumstance where civilised conversations can happen, we all used to creep around him all the time. Im glad he was gone and i didn't miss him, i was relieved. ...

Re: My Brother Came Home Today

@BluezCluez I am so sorry to hear about this really difficult situation you are going through. It sounds incredibly tough. There is the situation with your brother where it is highly unpleasant for you to be around him and then there's also the frustration and a sense of betrayal you are feeling from your mother. 


I am very concerned about the toll it is taking on you as you try to figure out what to do about this. Do you have a counsellor or a threapist that you see? If not, can you go see one at your Uni? There are also other options like calling Kids Help Line or using their online chat service (if you are more comfortable interacting online). Talking to a professional counsellor will help relieve some of the heavy burden you are carrying around and hopefully lead to clearer solutions that have your best interests at heart. 


As for immediate solutions, I feel that perhaps what @N1ghtW1ng suggested about avoiding him as much as you possibly can is what you can do at the moment. Do you think you can spend less time at home while he's here?


Since he has been around for a couple of nights it seems, how did you manage your feeilngs on those nights? Also, how long is he staying with you guys for?


Re: My Brother Came Home Today

@BluezCluez i don't think it's okay for you to have to be in the same place as someone who has been so horrible and I think its totally not okay for your family to not be taking this serious. It's just not okay.


Is this something you have ever talked about outside your family? Do you want some help getting him out of your home? I can't promise anything, but i can recommend some places to get a bit more advice, and help if you want that.



Re: My Brother Came Home Today

Hey @BluezCluez how have you been going this week? I'm really sorry you have to be in this situation atm. 

Re: My Brother Came Home Today

he hasn't left yet, it's still very uncomfortable and my mother just keeps letting him stay for longer and longer. ...he also asked if i hated him..i didn't really answer that question for my mums sake at least. Then he asked if i had any negative views of him...i said yes. He then said maybe he could change that....but i don't think so... maybe i don't wanna deal with the whole messed up family thing..i'm an adult now...i don't need an older brother anymore... or a relationship..i don't really see the point? I told my mum this and she said i'd miss out on a great relationship...but hey you can't miss what you never had am i right? or am i right?

Re: My Brother Came Home Today

i want to ask for your help believe afraid if i do this i'lld be forcing my mother. We fight sometimes me and my mother but i'd never want to do something like that to her. She trusts me. If I dont got my mum and my brother (little brother not my big brother) and sister, i got nothing. Besides she's always been there for me...especially when no one else had, she kept me on a straight path avoiding drugs alchohol etc. ...i owe everything to her.. I wouldn't want to betray her trust like Thank you, but i can't...accept.