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My Life

I miss the time when everything was so simple, when I was younger everything was hidden or I just chose ignore what was right in front of me. I didn’t know, I didn’t understand the complex things which made it simple. I was happy because I was so unaware of everything going on around me.

 

I became independent from a young age, I was always quite, always found it difficult to talk about emotions or problems I had, kept everything to myself. I feel as though the only real family I have is my sister and I hardly talk to or see her now, I have two other half sisters but never really feel related to them, my dad was hardly apart of my life so their dad was sort of a farther figure at the time I guess. Now I’m older I’m aware that he isn’t a good person and I hardly ever see him. 

My mum’s current partner I dislike a lot, they’ve been together for quite a while now, maybe eight years? Me and my real sister feel the same way about him, he’s always just sort of been “there”, we never looked up to him like our other sisters and I think he doesn’t understand that. He’s never had kids of his own, he’s very controlling and I never liked that, I feel as though me and my sister “grew up” really fast.

 

When I was fourteen my pop passed away, he had been sick for a little while and we never got told. We were rushed down to the hospital, I can’t remember much but I think he was on life support, there was tubes coming all out of him, it looked horrible, we held his hand and not long after he passed. At such a young age I think I didn’t know how to process it, I had fully understood the concept of death from a young age, I always knew I would have to experience loss, everyone dies eventually because we are mortal beings, it will happen to me one day too, I knew that from a very young age.

 

When he passed that’s when I became fully independent, he was a big part of my life and we were very much alike. I’m now eighteen and in the four years I lost another two family members and I think my dad will be soon to follow. I feel as though I still don’t know how to deal with loss, I don’t know if I have already fully accepted it or am yet still to truely face it.

 

I'm moving out in a couple of months and am ready to start over, leave everything behind and begin my new life, “my life”. I've had to live in this toxic household for far too long and I will finally be free. I think the only person I will keep in contact with is my real sister, we’ve had to face everything together, everyone else in our family had everything handed to them, we’ve had to work hard for the things we want. 

I spoke to a friend recently about the small town mentality people have, I’ve lived in rural area’s most my life, small towns, hours from the city. I moved around a lot growing up and met a lot of different people because of it. But in each of these places everyone had the same small town mentality, very few had big dreams, big goals. At a young age we have these huge aspirations and life goals but that all disappears one day. We go to school and they slowly drill into us and change our mentality on life, you must have this, you must get a normal job, you must do this. They don’t develop our creative skills because they want us to live a “normal” life, they teach us ”the essentials”, they don’t push us to go outside our comfort zones, they keep us in a bubble and tell you not to leave it. Too often people with potential get stuck in small towns because they think there’s no way out, they stay there because that’s what is comfortable but guess what success is a very uncomfortable feeling, you got to get out side your comfort zone, chase you dreams, get your goals. Quite frankly the people I’m friends with at the moment don’t have any bigger dreams and I think they will be stuck in this town for the rest of their lives.

 

I don’t know why but I just have this feeling I’m supposed to do so much more in life, I don’t know what it is but I’m going to do something big, I want to change lives, have an impact on others be it friends, family or strangers.


Maybe within the next seven years I might be able to come back and tell you what it is (seven years I would’ve turned 25 and then I will be too old for the forum’s age limit Smiley Sad )

Re: My Life

 Hey there @Pasta I really feel you feeling like life was simple when we were younger - life gets challenging as we grow but I like to try and view it as an opportunity and a blessing that I am still alive.

 

It sounds like you have been through a lot growing up from feeling lonely, dealing with death, and lots of other things. I'm glad you've come on here to talk about this and seek some advice/help. It is a really brave thing to do.

 

With moving out, it must feel refreshing knowing you can get a start at a life you want to live. I hope you are safe and well planned with it all. Do you feel that you are? This article gives some good advice and you might find it helpful

 

Have you thought about seeing a professional to talk about your healing process and other general life worries? 

Re: My Life

Hey @Pasta thanks for sharing your experiences growing up Smiley Happy I'm sure others reading it will feel less alone in their own experiences. I hope the process helped you make some sense of things.

 

I think what you and sunnygirl606 have pointed out about growing up would resonate with a lot of people. Making sense of things from our childhood as we grow up can be a confronting thing. It sounds like your sister was a big support for you growing up but you've drifted apart lately. Your dad wasn't really there for you growing up, so you relied on your half-sisters' father a bit? Your mum's partner didn't feel like a supportive father figure either by the sounds of it Smiley Sad

 

I'm sorry you lost your pop Smiley Sad It must have been a shock because you were never told how sick he was. It sounds like you've still been struggling with how to cope with loss, and I think that's a completely understandable and common experience. Loss is such a painful and complex thing.

 

Now that you're free from that toxic household it sounds like you want to do something meaningful with your life, which is amazing Smiley Happy You say you want to change lives which shows you really care about other people. Whatever you choose to do, we wish you the very best, and we'd love updates over the next 7 years- 7 years is a long time!

Re: My Life

I can empathise with you missing your innocence as a child and becoming independent at a young age. I'm sorry for your loss, it may help to talk to a health professional these articles may help https://au.reachout.com/articles/give-grief-time

https://au.reachout.com/articles/working-through-grief  

I'm glad to hear that you have support and people you can rely on. It's great to hear that you're moving out. 

Re: My Life

Hi @Pasta I also miss how simple life was when I was younger, and I think a lot of people will understand this as well. I'm glad you're finding a place where you feel free, and I'm sorry for everything you've gone through. I really admire your desire to change lives + have an impact, and I wish you the best of luck for the future Heart

Re: My Life

Hi@Pasta, when I read through your post, it makes me really sad because there were so many things happened in your life and forced you to be mature. I also miss the time when I was a little kid because every small and simple thing can bring me happiness and satisfaction, and things become so complicated now. I'm glad that you wish to come out of your comfort zone and do something big to change your life, I hope everything will be good for you, but just keep in mind that take care of yourself both physically and psychologically (hug).

Re: My Life

I’ve recently met an amazing girl and we are sort of dating now I guess, I’ve been meeting a heap of like minded people and others that have similar goals and dreams. Everything is coming together so quickly it’s amazing, I’ve lined up a couple more gigs to shoot at next weekend and on New Year’s Eve, I’m happy to finally being able to do what I want to do and everyone is so willing to help. I feel as though I can be more open with these people and able to connect so easily, I’ve convinced myself that music photography is what I want to do and others are stoked that I’m doing it. The people in my life where I’m living at the moment don’t understand what I want to do, well very few do and I’m ready to move on and make room for so many amazing new friends!

Re: My Life

Hello @Pasta , that sounds amazing! It seems as though you've built yourself a very good support network, which hopefully you can lean on and rely on them if any issues do occur in the future. It's also great that you've found yourself a passion and a goal! While we can't change your childhood, or erase the sadness of the past, the best thing you can do, which you're doing very well in right now, is to move on from those memories and not let them affect your goals and who you want to be. Keep up the great work!

Re: My Life

I'm so excited to hear how well things are going for you @Pasta ! A lot of my mates are from more rural areas from across Australia lot of them had a very similar experience when they left their home towns. I think for almost all of them, moving away from their hometown allowed them to experiences things, learn and grow in all the ways they had always hoped of 💖 I hope that this experience will be the same for you! (Though it definitely already sounds like that might be the case 😅)

Re: My Life

@Pasta Aw it made me so happy to read your post! Heart I'm really glad that you feel like things are settling down and falling into place. I'm sure you'll make many more fantastic friends. How was your weekend?