My Mothers "decision"
Firstly I'll start with what the current situation is and work my way back. At the moment my Mothers in hospital under palliative care. Her carer/partner has been named next of kin and been given all her finances and her residence. He has been spreading lies about me to my Mother in order to isolate her, these include such things as, "Your Son has stolen your credit and bank cards and is taking money from them,", "When you went to hospital your Son told the land lady you'd passed away,", "Your Son has stolen all your savings,".
While my Mother was in her residence under the care of this person, I arranged community care nurses to check on her welfare. Due to personal reasons it took them 2 months to eventually see her, and when they did, rather than following up on whether she was being manipulated into staying there, they took on board the lies the carer had convinced my Mother of and suggested the best course of action was for my Mother to sue me. This is after I had made the inquiries into their services.
To the beginning of this story thou, I arrived at my Mothers place one morning to find her completely physically incompacitated. I called the ambulance to take her to hospital. My Mothers is dying of end stage Liver failure and had tried to commit suicide with medication supplied by the carer. I found out that that morning her carer had found her on the ground and rather than calling the ambulance, proped her back into bed. I then stayed with her in hospital as much as I could as I'm suffering from kidney failure. But while being admitted into hospital my Mother asked not to be contacted by the carer, but when I returned to hospital he had visited her and convienced her that it was him that called the ambulance and that I hadn't been there at all. This is when the rest of the lies started, that I had stolen her belongings and taken the money from her.
By the end of it my Mother was manipulated into thinking I had never visited, and that we were completely estranged. And as such me having her belongings could only have been by me taking them. When I confronted the carer over the phone, he went on to threaten me and my family with physical violence. This is when phone calls late at night to my parents in law started, saying that I had stolen her belongings and that I was a awful Son. I was then informed that the enduring gaurdianship and power of attorney had been revoked and all the precautions my Mother and I had set up was for nothing due to the lies the carer had told. As previously stated, the lawyers then continued to threaten to sue me should I not return her belongings and money.
When I did return her belongings, the carer then went and porned her all jewellery. And when I eventually returned all the money, I found out that he had gotten my mother to max out her credit cards, and the rest of the money was given to him.
I've pursued every avenue, spent thousands on legal fees, and now I'm to the point of breaking, because after all of this, I'm the one that has to arrange her funeral, but the carer is the one that makes the decision about her care till then, even though my Mothers entire family supports me.
If its obvious to almost every health professional that my Mother is impaired, then why is she allowed to be abused.
Re: My Mothers "decision"
Wow, this sounds like a very difficult situation that you are going through and that your mother is going through also. This carer seems to have your mother's trust and is abusing it according to you and that's absolutely terrible. Sometimes you cannot do anything to change your parent's decision and the conflct that is between you will keep you apart and seeing as your mother is not doing well. She might need you there for her.
You could talk it out with your Mother, here are some tips:
- Try and find a time when no one is angry, upset, stressed or tired and somewhere you can sit without being interrupted.
- Be willing to compromise and have a number of options you're willing to accept.
- Don't make it personal. Try and avoid being sarcastic and making personal comments.
- Be honest.
- Listen to what they have to say and accept that their point of view might be as valid as yours.
- Once a compromise is agreed, stick to it - this could even mean writing a contract that you both promise to stick to.
- If talking to them seems impossible, maybe send an email or write a letter, explaining how you feel.
If you need to read more check out family conflict with parents which might be helpful for you and your mum.
We are here to support you and I hope you can come back and let us know how you are.
Take care of yourself.
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**
Re: My Mothers "decision"
Thanks for the advice, it does help. As you can imagine it's hard to gauge what you should be doing in this type of situation, and it helps to get as much advice as possible. Since the last post a friend has gotten advice from both a legal register, and a nurse unit manager and unfortunately the news isn't good.
I have no rights to be told whether my mums condition deteriorates, or even if she passes away. Its up to the carer to inform me of this, even thou I'm the one arranging the funeral. But I have spoken to my mum, and told her how I feel, and she's passed on the information to the carer, so he knows I've made arrangements. But as to whether he follows through is anyones guess.
Wish me luck, and I'll definitely be keeping my eye out on this forum, as I believe if I had had this outlet growing up, things would have gone alot differently.
Re: My Mothers "decision"
Sounds like a complicated situation jwalker, and at such an awful emotional time for your family. Have you sought your own legal advice? There are law firms who specialise in reprobate wills and power of attorney they may be able to facilitate a conciliation between you and your mothers carer.
I hope you are able to sort thigs out so you can enjoy your remaning time with your mum. Our thoughts are wth you.
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