Re: My clinginess is making me feel guilty and suicidal
Hey @KjStormy - you should be really proud for reaching out here and for also being able to name drawing & colouring as a way to address your anxious feelings. Have you ever talked to a counselor or seen a psychologist?
As you have described, relying on reassurance from another person to calm your anxious thoughts isn't really sustainable or reliable and can even lead to more/different anxious thoughts.
There is really good news though, CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and mindfulness have had a really positive impact on many people who struggle with issues just like yours.
Instead of relying on someone else to reassure you that they are not "hurt, depressed or killed" these methods can help you reassure yourself - which is a much more sustainable and reliable way of soothing yourself!
From one of my experiences, I found that when I was really worried about something happening, it made that thing more likely to happen. In my case it was trust in a relationship. I think, that if we become too scared of loosing someone, it often starts a chain of behaviours that really does push them away.
Maybe you could think of one action you could do to show him how much you appreciate him, or admire him for being so patient and understanding to you.
Im not an expert, but, for a lot of people small lifestyle changes can help there mood. The big ones that I hear regularly is getting enough sleep, exercising and having a health diet.
Its tough because anxiety and depression can contribute to poor sleep, so setting up good sleeping habits might also be useful, such as doing a quick 10 minute meditation before bed to clear your mind. A mind 'racing' with thoughts before you sleep makes sleep a lot harder.