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My dad is just wonderful :-) (not)

Im gonna just jump right in. Sorry if it gets long. 

My dads abusive, physically, emotionally and verbally. He abuses my mother and my brother and I. He never used to have such aggressive behaviour and horrible mood swings until approx 8 years ago when we moved into our new house. Whenever he is pissed off at my mum he takes it out onto the whole family. He will get pissy about the most small, petty and insignificant things and it drives me crazy at how he gets so violently angry over stupid shit. He has gotten worse and refuses to see a psychologist and the one time he did see one, he portrayed himself as the victim.  One time I was on the ground and he stood over me with a wooden stick, snapped it in half, looked me in the eyes and swore that he would kill me. I deadass believed him. He is so much worse to my mum and it makes my blood boil, I get so riled up that I end up getting in between and defending her but it just lands me in a whole lot of trouble with my dad.

 

The thing is, he knows that what he is doing is terrible but he refuses to do anything about it. And it gets so confusing because when he knows that he has fucked up he tries to act all nice by taking us out to restaurants or buying us things but he never ever apologises and then eventually goes back to being an ass. He has done so much shit, but because I push it away as a reaction, I forget about it all. Almost as if it never even happened. I'm just so scared. Scared of turning out to be exactly like him, i'm scared of marrying the wrong guy and ending up being abused myself. I've heard how the victims of abuse tend to marry people who are abusers and i'm terrified that I will do something as stupid as that. Its not fair that my family has to suffer now and possibly in the long term just because of one mentally ill person. I don't want my future family/marriage to be jeopardised just because of my dad who has turned bitter because of his rough childhood. I'm so angry that he didn't try harder to become the person that he never wanted to be. I hate that I miss out on having a healthy and happy father-daughter relationship. I absolutely hate him for the torment and pain he has put us through. I'm just exhausted man. 

Re: My dad is just wonderful :-) (not)

Hey @rxsegold, welcome to ReachOut thanks so much for sharing this story with us we're definitely here to support you and help you out with some resources too.

 

It must be so exhausting managing an abusive father as well as worrying about your mother amidst it all. For now let's focus on you though because you're very important. You seem quite self aware around this issue, and you're right there's a pattern of victims of abuse however not everyone goes down the same avenue and it sounds like you have the clarity to make sure you don't marry anyone like him.

 

Do you feel physically safe around him? If you ever feel unsafe remember it is totally okay to phone 000 and have police intervene. Your safety is of the utmost importance.

 

I would like to recommend also getting in touch with an organisation called 1800 Respect, they have free counsellors who could chat to you and also help you strategise moving forward. You're right the pattern of guilt and buying you guys stuff after the abuse must seem very conflicting and unfair, have you spoken to your Mum about all of this or is she not super open to it? Do you have a quiet space you can access at all?

 

Sorry for all the Qs! Look forward to hearing from you.

 

Re: My dad is just wonderful :-) (not)

There have been times where my brother and I have threatened to call the police on him but I guess its fear that prevents us from doing so.  At the moment he has managed to keep his anger under control around me and he is "trying" I guess but he sometimes slips up.  Its funny cause I don't feel physically unsafe around him, he is always there for me when I need protection from other people. I know I can trust him that much but because I took that killing comment to heart, it makes me rethink my safety especially in situations when he is the person I need protection from the most during his moments of pure anger. 

 

When you say quiet place do you mean like somewhere I can go that relaxes me and is away from all the chaos? If so, then I don't. I can't get away and I feel suffocated at times. I don't have anyplace to go that is my safe place besides my bedroom which still isn't exactly away from all the negativity.  I dont have alot of independence considering that I am 18 to be completely honest. My mum and I are very open with each other. We have a good relationship and we talk about everything that goes on. She has no idea about me talking on here though, I don't know if she would feel 100% comfortable knowing that I'm doing this but I just needed someone else's perspective for once. And I will definitely keep in mind the organisation you recommended me. 

Thank you for taking the time to respond, much appreciated!! Smiley Happy)

Re: My dad is just wonderful :-) (not)

Hi @rxsegold

I'm so sorry you are experiencing abuse from your father. I can appreciate how hard it must be and the toll that it may have on you. I know that sometimes you may feel helpless, and sometimes you may even feel guilty about not being able to do anything to protect your mother or your brother, I hope you are not blaming yourself for not being able to do anything about your situation. It appears that you and your mother have a really strong relationship, talking to each other openly and supporting each other through this will make the tough times a little bit easier.

Do you participate in any sport or have any hobbies? I find that sometimes escaping and going to the gym helps when i feel suffocated at home. Maybe you can go to a friends place? or even go on walks with your mum (whether permitting).

You seem very self-aware and thank you for sharing your story. ReachOut is a safe space and all posts are anonymous, there's no way that this conversation can be traced to your family if your mum is concerned.

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sometimes it rains, sometimes it shines, this is how flowers grow

Re: My dad is just wonderful :-) (not)

Hey @rxsegold,

It sounds like you are having a rough time. 

The other guys have given you some great strategies but I just wanted to write to you about being scared to turn out exactly like him. Although being abused yourself can impact your future patterns, it is definitely not a certainty. Being self aware is one of the biggest ways you can protect yourself from that. From personal experience, my mom was emotional abused by her mom, and she decided that she was going to be the best mom to her children because she never got that growing up. In that way, she was self aware and then made the decision to do the opposite of what she experienced. I totally believe you would be able to do the same, and maybe look at your parents relationship as something to teach you, what you do not want in a partner and what is important to you. 

Let us know how you go Smiley Happy