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My father is controlling and mean. What do I do?

 

My father is always angry.

he is always complaining about my mum and our family. Recently he has started saying that nobody loves me and I am all alone. I always feel scared around him and don’t know what to say because what ever the topic it ALWAYS goes into a negative conversation. I am tried of him saying I am useless and lonely because even though I know it is not true, it starts to sink in and for some reason I believe at times. 

This is has been going on for over a year now and it has been getting worst. My brother is also disabled and so I have to look after him let alone my mental health + my mums. 

A couple of times he has thrown items like small heavy boxes near me or my guitar because of little things like stepping on his foot. 

 

I am am scared and lonely and I don’t know who to talk to. I want my parents to get divorced and I want to only with my mum because being at home around him is terrifying. You never know when he is going to get mad. 

He is also very controlling. He always tells us what to do ( e.g cleaning the house) but never helps or does any of it. He just sits on his computer watching tv Shows while the rest of us is trying so hard to to clean.

Dad also talks about my family (mainly my mum) around me. My support networks always tell me to say “please don’t say that In front of me” last time I did that he yelled really loud in public and said “ I thought you hated your mother” I fell like bursting into tears and running away when he says that stuff but it is a little hard to. 

 

I really need some help because I don’t know what to do and I have already had a hard life after loosing my brother in 2011 when he was born. 

 This is only some of the strings he does in my everyday life 

please help!

 

 

 

 

Re: My father is controlling and mean. What do I do?

@Flamedragon82 that sounds so difficult.... well done for reaching out for help, that can be really, really important.

It sounds like your dad's really abusive, I'm so sorry you're having to go through that right now... 

You're not alone though, okay? You've got the forums now for a start, and I know of some good websites and helplines that I can get you the links to if you give me a minute. 

For now though, are you, your brother and your mum safe right now?

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Re: My father is controlling and mean. What do I do?

Hey @Flamedragon82

I really want to welcome and thank you for being so brave in sharing your story to the forums. I can hear that you're going through a very difficult time at the moment and I want you to know that you are cared for and supported Heart 

 

In terms of asking for specific or professional help there are a couple of different places which would be able to give you some really good advice. The first is Kids Helpline, who you can contact both via phone call or through online chat. Their staff are all trained counsellors and are very very knowledgeable about these sort of situations. The second is 1800 Respect which is another support service for those who have been impacted by family and domestic abuse/violence. I also really want you to remember that if you are ever feeling unsafe about any situation, please call 000, as they will be able to come and help you sort out what's happening. 

I also wanted to give you a heads up that I am about to send you an email to the one that you used to sign up for a ReachOut account, so please keep your eyes peeled for that! Heart Heart

Re: My father is controlling and mean. What do I do?

Hi again @Flamedragon82!

 

@Andrea-RO's beaten me to it, both of those services are really good from what I've heard.

The links to those two websites are here https://kidshelpline.com.au/ and here https://www.1800respect.org.au/

 

I've also found a few extra websites:

Relationships Australia looks like a really useful resource and service, and might be worth checking out.

The link is here: http://www.relationships.org.au/

What's Okay At Home (WOAH) has resources for people who are or who might be experiencing abuse, their link is here: https://woah.org.au/

 

1800 Respect and Relationships Australia might also be useful for your mum.

For your brother, there's WOAH, as well as this hotline that lets you report abuse that's been happening to disabled people, that link is here: https://www.jobaccess.gov.au/complaints/hotline

https://woah.org.au/

Re: My father is controlling and mean. What do I do?

Hello @Flamedragon82, and welcome to the forums!
Also, well done on being brave and sharing what's going on for you. It definitely takes a lot of courage to do that.
I don't have any experience with controlling parents, but I understand the pain that you're currently feeling. Especially the stress of looking after your family's mental health, let alone yours.


I don't think I'm of much help here, but I will always be here if you need to chat about things or in need of a distraction. Here for you.

//Nothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm Possible"//

Re: My father is controlling and mean. What do I do?

Hi @Flamedragon82! Welcome to the forums!

 

You sound like you've been through a lot. Thank you for sharing what's been happening to you. That was really brave. It resonated with me because your family sounds similar to my family. It's a really difficult situation. When one family member constantly criticises and stirs up drama, it affects all of the other members of the family. Smiley Sad It's also tough to have to look after and care for your family members, especially at a young age. You sound like you're doing an amazing job. Make sure to look after yourself too. Here are some tips on looking after yourself when you're supporting your family members. I'm also really sorry about the loss of your brother. Smiley Sad

 

It's a real shame that you can choose your friends, but not your family members. Not all of them are loving, supportive or good role models. One thing I have learned when dealing with controlling, toxic family members is that I don't have to believe what they say about me. It's a choice. What has helped me is realising that I am not the problem and that nobody deserves abuse. Sometimes, the toxic family member could be projecting their own issues onto you, have a mental health issue, or could be stressed out about something going on in their life and decide that they want an 'emotional punching bag' of sorts, which happens to be another family member. You are not to blame for their outbursts, abuse and immaturity. It is also not your role to solve their problems for them. You have shown great courage, maturity and resilience in looking after your family, especially at a young age. You are a better person than your father is. His behaviour says more about him than it says about you. You are not him. People can hurl insults, spread gossip and rumours about people, criticise and blame all they like, but the main thing that matters is that you can sleep well at night knowing that you're a good person.

 

Do you have any other family members who can provide some support? There have been times where some extended family members have backed me up by talking to the toxic family members and standing up for me, for example. You might also be able to stay with them for a while, just to have some respite and a break from the drama.

 

Have you looked at some other online resources? There are lots of online communities where other people in similar situations can get support regarding caring for family members or dealing with toxic parents. There are a few of these on Reddit and there are also young carers forums. While it may seem that other people don't understand, your kind of situation is actually not uncommon. You're not alone in experiencing it. I found that hearing from people who have gone through similar situations was really helpful and therapeutic for me because a number of people who have not experienced the same thing tend to make excuses and justifications for the toxic family members or give unsolicited advice. It's hard to know the right words to say about controlling or abusive relationships unless you've stepped in someone's shoes yourself. I'm here for you if you need some support too. Heart