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My friend took advantage of me when I was drunk *trigger warning*

Hi,

I really don’t know where to start with this- this has hurt me so much and left me feeling like it was all my fault.

 

Earlier this week, I came back from university for a few days and decided it would be nice to see my friends. I invited a few of them out for a couple of drinks, and needless to say I got very drunk. However, one of the guys I invited out kept buying me drinks all night- I wasn’t too bad until he bought us all tequila shots- I can’t remember much after that. I can’t even remember getting into the Uber to go home (I have slight memories of me opening the window during the ride but that’s it). 

 

My family have an open door policy- if someone can’t get home, you invite them to stay round on the sofa. This guy said he didn’t know how he was going to get home so I invited him to stay on the sofa. My other friend was staying in our spare room, so the two of us went upstairs after we got in, but she went to her room. I can’t remember this, but she told me the next day that the guy followed us up the stairs (without any of us telling him that it was okay for him to come upstairs). He also closed the door behind him and I. She feels guilty as I went in the next day saying I think he took advantage of me; she thought he had only come in for a catch up because I hadn’t seen him for months. This guy kissed me, even though he knows I have a boyfriend, and pushed me down onto the bed. I can’t remember much else, apart from me telling him that it’s wrong because I have a boyfriend. I’d been talking about how me and my boyfriend had fought and almost broken up a few weeks prior when I still wasn’t too drunk, so I don’t know if this is what caused him to try things on with me. I know that we didn’t have sex, and I’m so grateful to that as I don’t know what I would have done if I found out that we did.

 

The next day, I rang said guy and asked him what happened during the night. He told me that he wasn’t going to say because he was on a public bus, indicating that more happened than what I remember. He also told me that he doesn’t regret anything because of how he feels about me, and then he tried to tell me that he knows I feel the same way about him. I told him that I feel that he took advantage of me, and he told me that I’d said that the night before too, indicating that he just did not care. I then told him that I thought that we shouldn’t be friends anymore, and all he responded with was ‘ok’. I’d never willingly cheat on my boyfriend as I’ve been cheated on in the past and know how it feels; and the fact that this guy knows about this and still thought it was okay to try things on with me is completely disrespectful to both me and my boyfriend. I rang my boyfriend straight away and he told me it wasn’t my fault at all; he’s been through similar so understands. My other friends have also been supportive of me, but part of me still feels that I cheated on my boyfriend and that it’s my fault, if I didn’t drink I could have stopped it. The worst thing is, my friends told me that he was not drunk; he was walking normally and still seemed aware of his actions when I apparently stumbling and attempting to make friends with homeless people on the streets.

 

I just don’t know how I can get through this, I still feel disgusting because of it; I’m also scared that the guy who took advantage of me will start to spread stuff about me, making it seem like it was consensual even though I was too drunk to understand what was happening properly. 

 

Thank you so much for reading this❤️

Re: My friend took advantage of me when I was drunk *trigger warning*

Hi @RoseLouise

I am so so sorry to hear that you've had to experience something so horrible. It's incredibly brave of you to come and ask for help, and I want you to know that this community welcomes you with open arms. 

 

Firstly I want to make it really clear that absolutely none of this was your fault in anyway. Any sort of violence, whether sexual or otherwise is always the sole responsibility of the perpetrator and never the victim. What this person did is cruel, but in no way was it caused by you. It is also in no way cheating, regardless of whether you were having some concerns about your relationship beforehand. 

I think you really did well in telling him that you don't believe that you should be friends anymore. This person has proven themselves to be toxic and so I think the best decision you can make is to distance yourself as much as possible from this person. It's also a really good idea to gather as much support as you can around you right now. It's really great that your boyfriend understands the situation and supports you, and I am sure your friend and family will give you as much love as they possibly can. 

Have you thought about contacting a sexual assault hotline at all? I noticed that you're from the UK, so you could call the Rape Crisis hotline (0808 802 9999, 12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day of the year), or the Victim Support helpline (0808 168 9111). Both of these helplines can give you more specialised advice on your situation, including where to get more professional help from, as well as steps you'd need to take if you wanted to report the incident to the police. 

 

Sending you all our thoughts and care Heart 

Re: My friend took advantage of me when I was drunk *trigger warning*

Hey @RoseLouise,

 

How are you feeling today? 

I am super proud of you for being brave and opening up about this. It can be really hard to talk about this kind of thing. Plus, it is super great that your boyfriend has been supportive. 

 

Have you spoken to anyone about this since it happened? Whether that be a professional or a friend? 

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Re: My friend took advantage of me when I was drunk *trigger warning*

TW in below reply!!!

 

Man, that sounds like a nasty time you're having right now.

 

I can't help but notice that you say you feel like you cheated on your bf, even though you know that's not the case, and you were taken advantage of? Do you feel like you can trust your boyfriend to be supportive if you told him about it?

 

If so, it might be a good idea to talk to him about it and ask for reassurance. I often I'd told my ex partners about my sexual assault, because I know I myself have often felt guilty about it, and its affected my relationships.

 

You should only do this if you are comfortable and feel that you can trust him! But if you believe you can, it might be a huge weight off your shoulders to say "Hey, this happened, and I'd love your support and reassurance in this really hard time".

 

But what @Andrea-RO said is really good advice, talk to these hotlines if you can, they're trained to deal with sexual assault sort of stuff.

 

Hope you're feeling okay!