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My head won't shut up

Hello. I just came back from the best holiday with my dad. We went to Japan, HongKong, London and Paris. It was amazing but in my mind, I didn't deserve it. My dad saved for years just so then he can take me anywhere I wanted to go to celebrate the fact that I have finished school. But every show, every new place we went to my mind says that I don't deserve this. And still, now I look at photos and my mind says something bad about it. I appreciate everything that my dad did for me but I think it was a waste as I wasn't as happy as I thought I was going to be. 

 

Then when I came home, I had Christmas with my mum, my brother and his girlfriend. It was fun but I see how happy my brother is as my mind says that I will never have anything like that. I go to my best friends house and one of my other friends was there and we were swimming. But I felt like I wasn't part of the group. They have planed things without me when I was away. Like don't get me wrong, they can do whatever but they planned to go somewhere without me and they knew I was free. They could have just asked. And my mind says that they don't need me, I'm just another person to them. It feels like I'm being left behind. My mind won't stop. Only when I listen to music will it stop but I can't keep doing that. Please help. I'm sad, alone,  I don't know what to do.

Re: My head won't shut up

Hey @Cookiestarr So sorry you are feeling sad and alone. Even though you feel that way, you are not. We are all here to support you and listen.

 

@scared01 @redhead @Bee @FootyFan26

 

It's okay if the holiday didn't feel quite like what you would have imagined. This has happened to many of us. You did also mention it had amazing elements, and you traveled to a few places. Your Dad probably did this for both of you. Himself and you. It's okay to accept his love and this gift. Can I ask why you feel you won't be as happy as your Brother?

 

As for the friends, did they invite you over to swimming? Is there anything else upcoming you're invited to, or not invited to?

 

Keen to learn more about your friendships so the community can best support you Heart

Re: My head won't shut up

@Bree-RO Hi. I feel like I would be a burden on people like I don't ask for help, I don't look after myself as I would always look after people around me. I've only had 2 boyfriends and they both have lasted about a month. The first one I broke up with him as I didn't have thoughts feeling for him like I did. The second person broke up with me. But we are best friends now. The thing is that I have never stopped liking him. I'll never be as happy as my brother as I haven't gotten over the person who has my heart. My friends tell me that I should just tell him but I can't bring myself to do so. I would think that he wouldn't want to get back with me as if he did he would have already. I would just bring him down if he knew how I think about myself.

 

As for my friends, we planned on going swimming just the two of us but she invited one of our other friends with us. I didn't mind as it was great catching up but it felt like the whole time that it wouldn't have matted if I was there or not.  

Re: My head won't shut up

Hey @Cookiestarr (I love your username!)
I wanted to backup what @Bree-RO has said, it's okay if you didn't feel like the holiday was what you would have imagined.
I'm curious as to why you feel you didn't deserve the trip?

I wonder what would happen if you spoke to the guy you like and see if he still has feelings for you?
What if he has the same feelings for you?

Sounds like you're feeling a bit left out by the group of friends? Is that correct?
I know when I catch up with 2 particular friends I feel like a bit of a third wheel and left out (which totally sucks), so I try to combat it by organising times where it will be just me and the friend I'm closest to, together. That way I don't feel that way. Could you try something like this?

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: My head won't shut up

@Bee I feel like I didn't deserve it because there are other people who worked much harder and got way better grades than me and they deserve a once in a lifetime trip. I only just got though year 12. 

 

I would love to ask him how he feels about me but I'm scared on what the answer would be. Even if he does like me, I don't know what I would do as I would love to get back together with him but I'm scared that he might break my heart. And if he says he doesn't then I would feel like shit because I know that I probably won't get over him and so I would have to deal with those feeling knowing he doesn't have the same. 

 

I do feel left out of the group. And I have also tried to plan things with the one I'm closer with but she always invites our other friend over but I don't have the heart to say anything. So it probably my fault that this happens as if I just say something I wouldn't feel so left out. 

Re: My head won't shut up

@Cookiestarr That feeling must suck. Feeling as though others worked harder, I wonder though, did you do YOUR best during the year?
I had a teacher at school whose philosophy was this "If you did your best then you didn't fail. If you didn't do your best then you failed yourself"
I remember that teacher every time I start to beat myself up over a poor grade or getting someone wrong in an assessment in my TAFE course. So I remind myself that I did my best and that's okay.
I do remember though it was really hard in school to see the wisdom and pureness of this philosophy, now several years later I see exactly what that teacher means.

That sounds like a very tricky situation then with your friend. It's not an easy one to manage hey? I guess ultimately you need to think about what means more to you, his friendship or the possibility of it meaning more.

I'm sorry your friend invites others to hang out too. I bet that feels pretty uncomfortable. Maybe when you organise something you could phase it as "Hey I feel like the two of us haven't hung out together in a while, can we meet up for a coffee or something and spend some time together?"
Maybe phrasing in a in to gently say you'd like to meet up just the two of you might help? That way it (hopefully) won't be as confronting to talk about? What do you think?

I hope this helps @Cookiestarr Smiley Happy

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: My head won't shut up

@Bee Hey, I did try but I think I could have done better. 

 

He means the world to me. I talked to my brother about it and he said that if he does like me it doesn't mean that we have to go into a full on relationship. Just start off going on some date then go from there. 

 

And I think phasing it like that would help thanks. 

Re: My head won't shut up

Hey @Cookiestarr, sorry to hear that you're in a bit of a tricky situation at the moment.

You sound to me as if you're a bit guilty of the trip that you had with your father because you feel like other people may have deserved it more for getting better results than you in grade 12. Am I on the right track here?

If that's the case, I can 100% assure you that finishing grade 12 is a HUGE achievement, no matter where you place. So many people don't even make it through to senior school, and the fact that you managed to graduate is honestly such a huge achievement that is worth celebrating. I know it's hard to feel it sometimes (especially when you notice other people who got better results), but I still think graduating alone is worthy of a huge celebration. I think a lot of people leave grade 12 thinking that they could've done better (myself included), but the fact that you gave it a go and got through it is, in my opinion, a hugely awesome achievement Smiley Happy

I also agree with your brother's outlook - perhaps, if you don't want to put yourself into the vulnerable situation of asking someone if they like you, maybe you can just ask him if you could hang out together and see if he seems interested in you when you're just hanging out? That way, you get to have that time with him without worrying too much about how you're going to tell him your feelings. Unless of course that's something you want to do. What do you think? Smiley Happy

Re: My head won't shut up

@basketofmonkeys thanks. I never thought about looking at graduating would be a big thing to celebrate but you're right , it is. I still will feel guilty but it will not be as much now. 

 

I have plans on hanging out with him with him as we haven't seen each other since the end of school so I think now that we are both out of school and hanging out, we both might open up a bit

Re: My head won't shut up

Hey @Cookiestarr, graduating is definitely a big achievement to celebrate - well done!!

 

When are your plans to hang out with him?

I hope that does give you a chance to open up to each other a bit. Smiley Happy

// Spiral outward, keep going. //