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My life's a mess

Umm hi,
I don't really know how to start this off so I'm just gonna go off the top of my head.
So I'm sixteen year old female who's also bisexual.
Anyway so 4 years ago I met one of my closet guy friends because our sisters were friends. We would do everything together and we became best friends. Then I started gaining feelings for him and I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to lose him as a friend but I had never liked someone as much as him. I figured that I should tell him but before I got the chance, my friend told him. I remember feeling so heartbroken and for the rest of the night, I hid from him. I was so upset by the situation, I decided not to be friends with him. So I ignored him for an entire year. I didn't realise that I hurt him by doing that but we soon became friends again.
So, almost 3 years ago we became friends again though he had new friends so I always felt left out. After a while, we became really close again. He started meeting my school friends until one of my friends started liking him and tried cheating on her boyfriend with him. He quickly rejected her because he's against cheating but ever since that night, we haven't been as close. We constantly fight about silly things and it always seems like it's always my fault. And to top it off, I've started liking him again.
All of our friends want us to date and he always flirts with me when we're in public but when it's just us two, he acts like I'm nothing to him.
This year I was also diagnosed with anxiety. I have panic attacks constantly and it seems to be getting worse.
One night I was having a panic attack and he messaged me, I knew if I didn't message him back, I would forget. So I was able to calm myself down to the point in which I was able to message him. While sending the message, the panic attack started getting worse and I started giving him attitude and I was being really rude towards him in which I never meant to do.
He's been ignoring me since that night and I have no idea what to do because I never meant to hurt him in anyway. He also doesn't know about my anxiety and I'm scared to tell him because I'm scared he won't accept me, or think I'm lying or making an accuse.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

Re: My life's a mess

Hey @pattycake, welcome to the RO community. Hopefully you'll find some great advice here. 😊 I just wanna start out by saying I think it's very brave of you to share your feelings with us when everything feels so scary at the moment! Panic attacks are a horrible feeling Smiley Sad

Have you considered what your friend might be feeling about the situation? It sounds like you know each other quite well so maybe putting yourself in his shoes might be something you could try.

Re: My life's a mess

Hello and welcome to ReachOut @pattycake!

Do you have anyone you can talk to about your anxiety and other things that are bothering you?

Panic attacks are no fun at all, do you have any strategies for dealing with them? A simple strategy might be breathing exercises, although it can be hard to do anything when you are in the middle of panicking. Is there anyone you would feel comfortable with sharing how you feel so they could help you through it?

Let us know how you go Smiley Happy
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Guess what day it was!!! It was Wear It Purple Day!! Come on over and learn all about what it is and what you can still do!

Re: My life's a mess

You've already had a warm welcome as I can see, but why not have a warmer one...

Welcome to the RO community, @pattycake!

For starts it does seem like you have a fair bit going on there, and as @dustb0wldance said, panic attacks are definitely the worst... And it is definitely brave to share what's been going on, but we will try our best, here at ReachOut to help you.

I do think that doing as @dustb0wldance suggested, in seeing that how it could be in your friends shoes, may be, but I do understand how you feel.

Might there be an opportunity where you could meet him again face to face, in a place that you're more comfortable with, just so you can let him know about what is going on a little, because I was in a situation similar with my friend, and I know it just was a little hard because I didn't know what was going on. So maybe, if you're comfortable with it, you could try just to inform him, either online, or in person at a place you feel safe at, just to let him know, even just briefly, so he can grasp an understanding, and then even work with you on, (I can't really think of the word, but "overcome" seems to fit) what may be causing the panic attacks.

Re: My life's a mess

Hi @pattycake, it definitely sounds like you've got a lot going on. You mentioned that you were able to calm yourself down enough to send a text back, it seems like you've got some skill in learning how to manage your panic attacks which is great. I defintiely echo @N1ghtW1ng's comment about having strategies in dealing with them. 

 

About the texts: Don't be too hard on yourself, you know what you were going through when you sent those texts. I would suggest to meet face to face and have a talk. Perhaps gently talk about that night with the texts and let him know what was going on. Given all history you have, he's probably as confused as you are about everything and isn't sure what's going on. By talking, it's going to get everything out in the open and you won't have to deal with anxiety and panic attacks alone. 

 

 

Re: My life's a mess

Hi @pattycake,

 

Thanks for posting and welcome to ReachOut. 

 

I'm really sorry to hear how confused your relationship is with this guy (I will call him Guy). It sounds like you had some pretty strong feelings for him and when your friend told him you did, that you didn't speak. Following that your friend cheated on her boyfriend with him and since then things have been kinda tough. 

 

Have you spoken to him about how it makes you feel upset when he ignores you when you are alone? And @NickiPower is right, you can't be too hard on yourself about the text messages. Have you apologized for coming across as being rude? Sometimes admitting you were out of line is really hard, but it can be the thing that helps your relationship.

 

@N1ghtW1ng Has given some great tips. Is anxiety still getting in the way of life for you right now? We could talk about some ways to deal with anxiety if you like?

 

Here to help,

 

Lahna

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Re: My life's a mess

i have anxiety too. i don't know how to control it or tell anyone

Re: My life's a mess

Hi @pattycake

 

It sounds like you have a lot going on for such a young person. I must give you credit for being brave enough to talk to the ReachOut community about the tough times you are going through right now. 

 

I personally havent experienced a panic attack, however I do know of people that have. It seems that your panic attacks and anxiety are the most important thing right now, what do you think? Have you discovered any strategies that calm you down?

 

Lets take this step by step and talk through what you are going through. What would you like to focus the conversation on first? 

 

 

Re: My life's a mess

Hi @Indigo34556

 

How are you feeling today? 

 

You mentioned that you suffer from anxiety and you dont know how to control it or how to tell people. 

I think that you have taking a step in the right direction with commenting on a post about your situation. 

 

What seems to trigger your anxiety? 

Re: My life's a mess

Because of stress usually