Narratives as an Outlet

Yes. I have and that's what helped me sort of get through everything to where I am now @May_. But it all still gets to me. I can't stand sudden loud noises or confrontations with people or upsetting people because I have this ingrained reaction to close up or I'm afraid that I'm going to get hurt. The thought of someone being disappointed in me is near unbearable because I feel like an absolute failure. It can be something so small, simple mistake or whatever and I get lost in this pit of self-loathing. It's so hard to remember that I'm only human and it's okay to not make everyone happy. I don't know but the hardest thing is feeling so alone even when I'm with people. 😕 but it's wierd. Some days I feel absolutely amazing and I am loving life... the next minute it's like the opposite nearly. Anyway .. 

@mspaceK it's really tough to deal with the up and down nature of coming to terms with how that sort of trauma effects our lives, unfortunately that feeling you have of feeling fine one day and then opposite the next isn't uncommon at all. On the other side of that, it being pretty common means that you're definitely not alone in this.

These things can take a some times frustratingly long time to change, especially when it comes to stuff like being more self compassionate. At the end of the day, like any skill, it can be down to repetition to help something really sink in (like reminding yourself you're only human and it's okay to not make everyone happy as you said). It might not set in completely at this point, but the fact that you're actively working on it and have such a strong awareness of yourself is an amazing foundation to work from. 

Are there any trends you notice in what's going on during the days you're "loving life"? Also, any common factors on the days you feel the opposite? 

When I'm going through a time when I'm 'loving life,' @Chessca_H, I guess I don't feel like my stress is wearing me down. I get really excited about things and I'm able to see obstacles more manageable. I also don't feel pressure to perform up to a standard, or if I do, it doesn't seem so hard. 

I don't know why the opposite comes. 😕 I get overwhelmed and stressed and I get consumed by negative thought patterns. 

Getting consumed by negative thought patterns is a really hard vortex to come back out of isn't it @mspaceK? If you are near pen and paper I definitely can recommend writing everything out so you can see it clearly. I don't know why but for some reason, when I see things on paper - the thoughts don't seem as heavy. Do you have any other techniques that could work?

This is what is strange for me @Bree-RO. I go through periods/phases, whatever you want to call them - it can be a couple days, an hour, weeks or a month or a really long time where I get stuck in this negative/depressive kind of state. It varies in severity from negative thoughts that I can brush aside- to over the edge "I am about to kill myself." And it is the same but the complete opposite in terms of being positive, motivated, happy and even a bit confident. Sometimes I don't notice when I'm slipping into that dark mindset, and sometimes it feels like it comes out of nowhere. Like - i'll be having a good day and suddenly I feel like absolute shit or something will start bugging me at the back of my mind or in my chest. I've felt pretty good over the last few days so i'm really happy. I guess it gets worse when I am confronted with stressful situations - like pressure at work, assignment deadlines or arguments with my family, which I guess is understandable except my ability to cope goes out the window sometimes. 

In terms of other techniques - I just try to focus on what I really like to do and things I enjoy like stories and movies. Everything always comes back to stories and music for me. I've always been the kid that read everywhere I went, even in high school, even now. I've spent countless nights making up stories in my mind and day dreaming them and playing them out and acting them out even - I guess that has been my big distraction growing up. But it is also something I truly love. 

@mspaceK I can relate soooooo much to what you just said. Sometimes the dark mindset really does seem to come out of nowhere, and that sucks. I also create stories in my mind to help me cope, and I find it a really useful way to pull me out of the present moment when that present moment isn't a great one.

Do some of the things you listed - reading, making up stories etc. - help pull you out of that dark mindset? 

@letitgo i think it does help. Anything to distract me from whatever is pulling me down. But sometimes when I'm too far into that mindset I am not motivated for reading or whatever and it all seems pointless. I honestly don't know how I manage to get myself out of it. It's like a switch gets flicked in my brain and suddenly I'm okay or I start to feel okay. 

Lucy is awake in her bed. It's warm. So unlike the coldness outside the blankets. She feels a tickle in the back of her throat. Oh no. She's getting sick, at least she thinks she is. She has had a headache for the past two hours and it feels like she is losing her voice. But Lucy is trying not to think about that. She's thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow she is going to go to uni to see her friends and go to class. During the day she is going to make good written progress on her assignments and then reward herself later. She deserves it. She rolls onto her side and begins to hear a soft rain. It's not the sort of rain you see in the sky. It's not the sort of rain that makes you wet. It's not even the rain you see far in the distance when you notice the sky is turning grey. No. This rain is coming from Lucy's mind. She can feel the wind carrying drops of rain to her body every once in a while. Lucy can almost forget thst the rain is there. Sometimes the wind pushes a little bit harder and Lucy is forced to shield her face from the rain. She shields her body and her mind and her heart. And she knows she can't let the wind carry the rain to her like so many times before. She likes the sunshine and the clear blue sky. It's warm and comforting. But that rain feels like it is slowly approaching. Lucy is determined to keep it away but she doesn't know how strong she can be. The weather can be unpredictable sometimes. Just like Lucy.

Hey @mspaceK I'm glad you're doing a fair bit better now. I get the sense that these difficulties like feeling alone can be quite upsetting for you self-loathing can be a tricky beast to wrestle with as well. Do you have any strategies to help you with that?

@letitgo i try to surround myself with people that encourage me and build me up. I also like to do things that I enjoy. It's hard. I don't know. When it's really bad i usually contact a helpline or friend. 

I love the idea of using narrative as an outlet and I think it's something I do quite a lot when I write creatively... I don't feel like it right now but I've been meaning to write out my story at some point and this thread is offering me the perfect opportunity!