Need help

I met this Indian guy online usually I do not date guys like him who are shy and introvert. But I had a series of bad relationships so I thought give it a try. We started two years back when he was in India. We spoke for six months straight then I arranged a job for him in Miami. It took two months but he was finally here and I was very happy to see him in person. We spent six wonderful months with him, after he came lockdown was implemented we used to get cozy under the blanket and intimate we enjoyed every moment that we got. before I pushed him away for many reasons that I now know. I broke his heart many times and belittled him every possible way. I cheated on him multiple times because of my own insecurities. After I told him about my second affair he was heartbroken and I was very manipulative and always blamed him for everything reason (He worked as a recruiter he met with a lot candidates daily including female that made me insecure about myself and some of them were very beautiful, several time he came home late night because of work his schedules). He was there for me every time when I needed support. I had very restrictive relationship with my father, he never loved me or my mother. Left us when I was 10 years old. I guess I always pushed good men away. The way I treated him really broke my heart. Three months back I had a very bad argument with him and said some words which I can’t take it back after the argument, he went outside said I need some air and he never came later I got call from police that he was hit by a car said it was hit n run case and a week later he passed away. Since then I am not able to sleep at night. I blame myself for his death. I can't forget his face when he first met me at the airport. I do not know how to deal with it. I always scared that he would leave me for some other woman. The worst part was he knew about my parental (daddy) issues and he was very patient with me. He never tried to change and control me in any way. I work in a very male dominant company and successfully moved up in the ladder. He liked my friends and family and they loved him very much. Now my friends and family won’t not speak with me after knowing how I treated him and accuse me for his death. To make things worse I had couple of one night stand last month but during sex I keep thinking about him. I do not know what to do, I think I was in love with him, every time I see his pictures I cry a lot.