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Need opinions, I am too involved emotionally to trust my own judgement... Help please

Hi, here is the story I’d like to share today:

 

I am a 23-year old woman, I am a student in modern language. I have been in a couple for more than 4 years with a wonderful man. I’m still with him. In September, something weird happened with one of my teacher. She (yes, SHE) is 20 years older than me, a divorced mother. The thing is that I fell for her, even though I’ve never been attracted to women before and I have only dated men. And she is still the only one woman I’ve ever been attracted to.

The strange thing is that she, this woman, had some weird behaviours towards me too.  I started noticing that our eyes met quite often, maybe too frequently considering the context… The first time it happened, she maintained her gaze and I dropped mine, ill-at-ease. Then, she sometimes looked at me when I wasn’t looking and quickly turned her eyes when I noticed her. She sometimes comes closer to me for no apparent reason, but doesn’t speak. She just moves closer, for no apparent reason. When I talk to somebody, it looks like she’s listening, paying attention, even though she is talking to somebody else. Once I saw her looking at me from behind a window, and she just looked very ill-at-ease when she saw I had seen and she left. Once I saw her on the other side of the street, she stared at me. And she had the exact same reaction when I noticed her.

 

It seems obvious ? right? But I don’t know. It seems so…. Unlikely! Why would she care for me? She’s older, she’s got a family, friends, a good job, why would she care for the weird post-teenage that I am? Nonsense…. Sometimes I ask myself whether I could have imagined all that. But no, at least not “all that”. The last time we were in the same classroom, our eyes just kept meeting. As soon as I turned my head towards her, she turned hers and vice-versa. It was almost supernatural… And our eyes met, and we looked in the opposite direction. And it kept happening. For a few month, her attitude was more straight-forward: she would look at me more confidently, her turning of the head would be slower and less as a reflex. So, yeah it seems obvious… But if she felt the way I did, she would have tried to see me more often, to trigger situations in which we would meet, but she didn’t. She never did. She just never did. But she keeps looking, with a strange smile, head bent down and looking indirectly, sometimes (less often) directly into my eyes before turning her head slowly. Sometimes, when we come across each other in the corridors she smiles and asks me how I am. Amazing, huh?… And, the very second she looks at me, my head turns automatically/unconsciously towards her. And she has noticed that, and it looks like she’s playing with that.

 

So I thought: Maybe she has noticed that I was weird in her presence and therefore she’s just having fun, laughing her ass off at me. But then I remember the first time she looked directly at me, it seems weird that back then she had already noticed since my feelings were only just emerging. Yeah, I might have checked her up one week before inadvertently without really realizing what I did, but then I paid attention to not looking at her, especially in that way. So, it seems quite weird that she could have got to such an unusual/far-fetched-for-the-common-mind conclusion so rapidly… It’s weird.

I don’t know what to think. It keeps running round my head, it’s done so for the last 10 months. I need someone’s opinion and there’s no one I can talk to about that. So I ask you.

 

What do you think? If you were to give hypotheses, which one would you choose and why?? I mean, here is a fact: There is something unusual going on between her and me. But what could it be ? I don’t know. And I am too involved emotionally to trust my own judgement… Help!

 

To be clear:  The question is not “what shall I do?”  but   “what do you think she’s doing?”/”why does she behave that way?”/”what game is she playing?”. Because whether she loves me or not, I won't do anything and neither will she. I will not ruin my relationship for a stupid crush. I just need to understand and having other people's point of view might help me since I am too emotionally involved to trust my own judgement. 

 

Thanks

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Re: Need opinions, I am too involved emotionally to trust my own judgement... Help please

Hey @FreedomSeeker .

It sounds like this situation is really confusing for you and had been weighing on your mind a lot. Unfortunately the only person who can know what the woman's motivations are is the woman herself. Trying to guess and look for signs just isn't a very reliable way to figure it out. Since she is your teacher it also sounds like it would be inappropriate for anything to happen, which likely plays a part in why things have been so confusing.

I'm wondering though, why do you think you've been paying so much attention to this when you've already decided your course of action? What purpose would it serve to know "what she is doing/playing and why"?
____________________#iftoastershadfeelings____________________
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Re: Need opinions, I am too involved emotionally to trust my own judgement... Help please

I really thank you for your answer.

 

Yes, it does weigh on my mind. And your question is relevant. I know she is the only one who could answer me but she is also the only one I can't talk to for obvious reasons. I think the reason why I need to know is because I am afraid she might just be laughing at me and my sense of pride is hurt... On the other hand, she seems to be a very kind person and I don't see her behaving like that. But maybe she is. I just want to know to settle things in my mind. Having an answer would help me to move on, I would be like "Yes, she does love me. But our relationship cannot work so we are both going to move on [period]". 

Now, I'm just too obsess with the question "is she laughing at me?", "does she find me pathetic so she pretends to be nice?", "does she like me the way I like her?", "is there really something going on between us or am I imagining things?". 

Yeah, I realize it is a bit insane... But I try my best to move on. But I've got to deal with my own frustration and the strength of my feelings makes it difficult for me to just stop obsessing over that question. I know what is reasonable, but I'm unaware to put it into practice. I think that as long as I don't act, it's not that bad. The most important thing is not to act on it. 

But I feel distressed. Honestly. I'm a depressed person. I was better before. But this put me back into depression and I've been struggling for 10 months and just cannot get out of it. I'm sick... And ashamed. And lost. Fu***** lost.

Sorry for being sorry for myself and for my self-indulgence. it's pathetic. But I am stuck and I can't manage...

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Re: Need opinions, I am too involved emotionally to trust my own judgement... Help please

It sounds like you are going through such a hard time, @FreedomSeeker. 10 months is a really long time to bear this kind of strain and uncertainty. I think we can all relate to this kind of will-they, wont-they dynamic - either we've experienced it personally, or we know someone who has. It's awful and so hard to let go of.

 

I notice you're talking a lot about getting closure on this funny kind of relationship you've had going on, and it seems like that closure might be really hard to achieve, since nothing has been said out loud or addressed directly. I'm wondering if maybe the fact that you've never talked to her about it is fuelling your anxiety a little? It sounds like not knowing how she feels about you is causing you a lot of distress - which is so natural when we have strong feelings for someone. I'm curious - what would happen if she was laughing at you? This isn't to say I think she is at all, I'm more wondering what changes for you either way?

 

I also noticed you said you've been struggling with depression. How are you going with that? Does thinking about her make those feelings better, or worse?

 

 

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Re: Need opinions, I am too involved emotionally to trust my own judgement... Help please

Thank you so much for your answer and your understanding. It feels nice to see that someone actually gets what I feel... Thank you for that. 

 

You've got it entirely right: "10 months is a really long time to bear this kind of strain and uncertainty" : Indeed  ; "so hard to let go of" : yeap ;  "it seems like that closure might be really hard to achieve, since nothing has been said out loud or addressed directly" you've got it right, again. Thank you.

 

 

The fact that I've never talked to her about it is not really fuelling anxiety because I can't picture myself doing that, it would be too inappropriate I guess. But yes, the fact that she doesn't talk to me about that is fuelling anxiety. But I guess that if she feels the way I do she must feel the same sense of inappropriate-ness... 

 

If she was laughing at me... I would feel hurt, honestly. And also quite angry. Because it would be playing with a person's emotions and feelings and that is not something one does. Especially when strong emotions are involved. She cannot know that but I'm a fragile person, psychologically speaking, and life is usually harder for me to cope with but if you add something that would be distressing even for a "normal" person then it gets really hard... I really got depressed, quite heavily. At the beginning I drank quite a lot, I've attempted suicide once in January because I was really tired of having to fight for everything, for anything, and for what compensation? Nearly none. Now, I'm a bit better in terms of symptoms. I have been seeing a new therapist for 2 months and I try to get better. But she's still going round my mind and I have a very important competitive exam to come (due next week) and I can't work on it because I'm either obsessed over that situation or completely depressed...

 

Thinking about her makes me both better and worse, it depends on the situation. If I think that "yeah, she did look at me! she looked at whom? Me!" then I will tend to be happy. If I think that "that's stupid, why would she care for a kid, she's only laughing her ass off at me and I've been stupid enough to consider that she might feel something... What a pathetic cunt I am..." then I will tend to depress...

 

Piece of news:

 

I have received an e-mail from her this morning. She will hold a meeting which will include 4 people and me. It’s been a while since the last meeting we had (6/7 months) and a lot happened in the meantime… The glances and everything… I feel very awkward about that meeting :/ I mean, I don’t know what is going on in her mind but it is obvious that something unusual is happening between her and me, our eyes met wayyyyy too often…. I have noticed it and so did her… So I don’t feel very confident about that meeting… I think I will be very ill-at-ease but I must not let anything be seen, but I know myself and my lack of control over my emotions so.... Yeah, I do feel awkward about that :/