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Re: Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship

So sorry to hear about the breakup @brightonion899 Smiley Sad

Do you think the two of you could remain friends, after some time has passed? That way you might still have that emotional connection, at least on some level.

 

I'm glad you've been trying to keep yourself busy, and are seeing the psychologist. We're all here for you!

 

 

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship

@missep This is by far one of the toughest things I've had to cope with in my life, and I've had my fair share of tough times. This one hits me on such a personal level which is why I'm feeling so down right now.

 

I'm really hoping the therapy with my psychologist will help me as well. I need to sort out what goes on in my head or else I feel like it will seriously hinder me from ever having a long-term relationship with anybody.

 

I would tend to agree with that statement too. Surrounding myself with friends and family is helping somewhat, but the loneliness and sadness never really goes away completely - it's always still there deep down Smiley Sad

You sound very similar to me missep. I have never had the urge to go out to a bar/nightclub and 'hook up' with some random stranger, or have a casual 'fling' with anybody. I was still a virgin at the time I met my ex-girlfriend. It's very very rare for me to find someone I can connect with on a romantic level, which is why I feel it's taken me this long to find somebody whom I was comfortable starting my first relationship with. I've met other girls in the past where there was a definite 'spark' between us, but nerves and fear always got the better of me and things never went anywhere. The spark between me and my ex-girlfriend was super intense, and she always made me feel very comfortable about taking things further which was wonderful and very different to anybody I had met prior. I'm also (like you) very picky and will only ever start a relationship with someone if I feel they are the right person for me. I can definitely relate to feeling hopeless about relationships too, because I had almost reached that same point at the time my ex-girlfriend 'appeared' in my life. I definitely felt like meeting her was 'meant to be' as well, and it's another reason why I'm so saddened by everything that's happened.

 

There are a lot of things causing me distress right now, both outside circumstance and things going on in my mind. I need to feel better about myself as a person before I would even remotely consider the idea of another relationship with somebody else, regardless of how good they may seem. To be honest though, the thought of beginning all over again romantically with somebody else is the absolute last thing I want to do. I'm not even slightly interested.

 

@letitgo In many ways I feel like I was 'dropped' by my ex-girlfriend in my most vulnerable state, and it's really tainted my trust in people romantically because I feel absolutely and completely heartbroken. She was the one who chased me down in the beginning and made the first move, and had always been incredibly supportive and compassionate with me until a time where she suddenly just "fell out of love" and dropped me. I harbour no resentment or spitefulness towards her as a person, but I will certainly be remaining a lot more closely guarded around other people in the future so as to avoid getting hurt so easily. Upon a little bit of communication with her tonight, she made it explicitly clear that she has no feelings for me at all anymore and wants to stop all communication until such a time where we're both completely over the relationship (no idea when that will be) and can then look at resuming a friendship without it being 'clouded by romance' as she put it. This left me feeling incredibly hurt and frankly right now, I don't want to speak to her either because it's too painful. Friendship between us is very sadly going to be a looooooonnng way off, if ever at all Smiley Sad

Re: Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship

@missep It's probably the toughest time in my life right now - and I've had my fair share of tough times. This one hits me on such a personal level which is why I feel so down all the time.

 

I'm really hoping the therapy with the psychologist will give me the skills I need to control these thoughts, which seem to attack the most important and highly valued thing in my life at any given time.

Surrounding myself with friends and family has helped ease the pain somewhat, but it never really goes away. The loneliness and sadness is always there deep down, and no amount of distraction ever completely sways my attention from it Smiley Sad

 

You sound very similar to me missep. I have never had the urge to go out to a bar or nightclub and 'hook up' with some random stranger, nor have I ever been interested in having a casual 'fling' with someone. I was still a virgin at the time I started my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I too am quite picky and find it hard to connect with somebody on a romantic level, and it's one of the reasons why it's taken me this long to find somebody whom I was comfortable starting my first relationship with. I've met other girls in the past where there was a definite 'spark' between us, but nerves and fear always got the better of me and nothing ever eventuated. The spark between me and my ex-girlfriend was so intense, and she always made me feel very comfortable whenever we decided to take things further which was wonderful and so different to anybody I had met prior. I can relate to feeling similarly hopeless about relationships before my now ex-girlfriend seemingly 'appeared' in my life. I also felt like it was meant to be which is another reason why I am in such despair right now.

 

There are a lot of things causing me distress right now, both outside circumstance and in my head. I need to sort out what goes on in my head before I will even remotely consider the idea of beginning another relationship with somebody else, regardless of how attractive they may seem. I've learned a lot but to be honest, after everything that's happened, starting all over again with somebody else is quite frankly the last thing I feel like doing. The thought of beginning again with a different person is quite scary - and I'm just simply not interested and probably won't be for a very long time. It's kind of sad but I'm in self-protection mode right now.

 

@letitgo Aside from these wildly intrusive thoughts in my head that were causing me and my ex-girlfriend great deal of distress through the relationship, I kind of feel like I have been 'dropped' by her while I was in my most vulnerable state, which is also why I'm hurting so much. She was the one who pusued me initally and pretty much made the first move, and has always been very supportive and compassionate until a point where she suddenly 'fell out of love' and left me to fall flat on my face. I don't blame her at all though because at the end of the day I have problems that I need to sort out, and she obviously got tired of being there to support me.

She is an incredibly vibrant, passionate and attractive person, who filled my head with many promises and visions of the future and, me being the passionate yet naiive person I was, I believed it all. I fell in love with her so hard, and ended up getting very badly hurt because of it. Don't get me wrong, I harbour no resentment or spitefulness towards her as a person, but I will certainly be remaining a lot more closely guarded around people in the future so as to avoid getting hurt so easily - lesson learned.

After a little bit of communication with her last night, she made it explicitly clear to me that she has no feelings towards me at all anymore. She wants to stop all communication until such a time where we're both completely over the relationship (no idea when that will be) and can then start to look at reconnecting as just friends without things being 'clouded by romance' as she put it. This hurt me a lot, and I don't really feel like talking to her either now that I have seen how cold and detached she has become. Friendship between us I feel is now a looooooooonnng way off, if ever at all.

Re: Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship

Hiya!
I am also 22 and also have a partner 3 years older than me, a lot of your story spoke to me and my personal experience and I can sympathize with you. 
Uni and work related stress I found worsened my situation. What I found worked for me was reaching out to my close friends. When I didn't feel like talking to a real person, I would sometimes write down my thoughts both bad and good about my relationship so that I could at least get them out onto paper or on onto a blank word document. I also found that going for long walks and listening to my favourite music was a great stress relief for me and helped with clearer thinking. First relationships and love can be so confusing but also so rewarding and beautiful. 

Re: Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship

I see @brightonion899 maybe complete separation, at least for now, will be better in the long run?

I think your focus and first priority right now has to be your wellbeing. Could you maybe start a new routine, a way to mark this as a new beginning of sorts? 

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship

@letitgo I really think complete separation is the best option. As much as I feel immensely strongly towards her, talking with her brings me nothing but pain now.

 

Yeah I agree. I am trying to start a new routine and make some changes in my life. I have taken up piano lessons again after stopping about 6 years ago - music is a massive part of my life and I play piano every day as a form of self-therapy. I have also been joining special interest groups on Meetup and at uni, but getting out and about is a real struggle at the moment and something I don't have a desire to do, because I feel quite afraid of meeting new people. It's difficult but I'm forcing myself to face my fears, put on a fake smile and go engage with the outside world in my spare time, because otherwise I find myself just sitting idle at home with my own negative thoughts as company. As much as I would love to just shut myself off from the rest of the world right now, doing that is probably much worse than being out in a social situation and hating it/feeling afraid.

 

After another session with my psychologist yesterday, it turns out that I have probably been living with some form of anxiety and obsessive tendencies and engaging in compulsions for quite a long time (estimating since my early high school days). Over the years, I have created my own intricate world of regimented, well-structured, orderly and precise day-to-day routine as a way of making myself feel comfortable and safe, which can be good in moderation, but too much routine and the sanctuary becomes a prison, which I feel is exactly what has happened to me. There were times before I started my relationship with my ex-girlfriend where one day would feel very similar to the previous day, because there was just so much order and routine with everything I did - and that was making me feel very uncomfortable (think of the movie Groundhog Day!). My psychologist has also concluded that I have suffered with low self-confidence and low self-esteem for a long time, which tends to cause me to avoid socialising with others and generally interferes with my ability to enjoy things in life without constantly worrying and feeling anxious.

So my psychologist has given me a homework exercise between now and the next appointment which focuses on making a conscious effort to go against the compulsions and routines I usually engage in day-to-day. It's going to feel uncomfortable at first but over time my brain will get used to the discomfort associated with not performing those compulsions and the anxiety should hopefully start to subside a little bit.

Re: Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship

Hi @brightonion899

Of course, I can see that this has been a tough situation for you Smiley Sad 

Do you think through time that the loneliness and sadness will start to ease? 

I hope it does. 

 

It's interesting to see how similar we are in terms of our views on relationships! I agree with you though, I think now is an opportune time to take care of yourself and put yourself first. Even though the thought of being in a relationship is not a priority for you, I hope that by the next time a new romantic interest comes around that you feel good in yourself and feel comfortable to try again. I don't deny that it's going to be a challenge but I think that you are showing so much self-awareness and the fact that you've taken initiative to see a psychologist is a big step. 

 

I can't help but hope that maybe the next romantic interest that comes into your life will make things easy and not make you feel as if you are 'starting over' but rather make you enjoy the journey of getting to know that person. 

Please keep us updated! 

Re: Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship

@missep I also really really hope that I will stop feeling so down all the time as more time goes on. Socialising, while a little nerve-wracking, is thankfully helping. But whenever I find myself alone my mood always takes a really massive plunge and the pain immediately comes back.

 

Yes it is quite interesting to learn we share similar views on relationships. I've often thought I'm a bit 'abnormal' among most guys my age for only being interested in building genuine emotional connection with a potential romantic interest (as opposed to just casual stuff with no real meaning behind it), but I'm certainly not about to change or lower my standards or morals.

 

I currently have zero interest in romance with someone else, because my ex-girlfriend still occupies an enormous place in my heart and I feel she will continue to do so for a long time. I will never be able to love someone else in my current mental state, and not until she no longer occupies that space in my heart, and not until I am 100% comfortable within myself and ready to take the risk again. I won't be opening my heart to anyone else until my ex-girlfriend has left that space completely. Besides, it wouldn't be fair on myself or the other person to begin again while I am feeling uncomfortable within myself, and so long as I still have lingering feelings for my ex - things would surely end in complete disaster. I'm happy to make new friends, but that's all for now.

Seeing a psychologist has been very helpful and I'm so happy started doing it.

 

I also really hope beginning with a new romantic interest is easier than I'm thinking it will be, assuming I one day find someone else whom I'm interested in. I suppose only time will tell as to whether I feel comfortable getting to know someone else on an intimate level and allowing them to get to know me. Right now I'm completely unsure and indifferent, but who knows?

 

I've got another appointment with the psychologist in a few days, so will definitely keep updating.

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Re: Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship

Hey @brightonion899, well done on taking up piano lessons again! And playing every day too - you're doing some great self-care!

Also, I really respect your interest in building genuine emotional connections with others. That's something I value very highly as well and it's nice to know that there are others out there with the same value/s!

 

If the psych appointment has already happened, how did that go? 

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship

@brightonion899 I really feel that through time the pain will lessen, I know it's so much harder to actually get to that stage but nevertheless I really believe that 'this too shall pass'. That's one of my favourite quotes because when I'm going through a hard time I just remind myself that it will pass, each day the pain will fade even if just a tiny bit. 

I'm glad socialising has been helping! 

 

Not abnormal at all! Actually my boyfriend is exactly the same too! We have always discussed that everything is so much better (in our eyes) when we establish a genuine emotional connection. I think it's awesome that you're able to be like that and I completely agree, you should never have to lower or change your standards or morals. 

 

That's totally fine if you have zero interest in romance at the moment, you are showing so much self-awareness and I agree that it will probably be in your best interest to take care of yourself and be with someone when your ex-girlfriend has left your heart (or left your heart enough to give you enough courage to go for it). There's no rush or rule, you do what's right and feels right for you Smiley Happy 

 

Yes please! Please keep us updated on your appointment Smiley Happy