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Re: Not sure what to do

@MB95  I won’t tell you my opinion on helplines but there are some that offer online chat if you don’t want to call. 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @MB95,

I just wanted to let you know that I, along with the rest of RO are here to help support and encourage you.
I'm sorry to hear that seeing your psych again wasn't that great, but i'm sure once you get into things again, it will be easier. You've had a stressful number of weeks so getting up and going is an amazing achievement!
I would recommend calling a helpline. Like @Andrea-RO said, some of them differ a little bit, but if you think you need some safety help or coping tips for right now, then Lifeline is probably your best bet. I've used them many times and can certainly help in the short-term, if only to let you rant.

@Eden1717 also mentioned the web chats which I find useful if I don't want people in the house hearing me call etc. However they have very long waiting times (usually) and you obviously don't get to talk about very much like you do over the phone.

Let us know how the call goes and if it's really not great and you start to spiral, you are more than welcome to call back again and ask for a different person or try a different helpline. Their priority is your safety.
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Re: Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95,

 

I'm sorry things are really tough for you right now. Lifeline is really good if you're feeling like you're in a crisis. I've called before. They're really calming and help you talk through what you're going through. They are not judgement for the reasons you're calling (they've heard literally everything before, you can't shock them and they won't judge you at all). The people on the other end have had heaps of training and really care (it takes a lot of commitment to volunteer there so they really want to be there for you). I would definitely recommend just biting the bullet and calling them if you need some support. They helped me out of a really dark time. There are also other helplines like Kids Helpline if don't want to call lifeline. 

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
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Re: Not sure what to do

Thanks @Andrea-RO @Alison5 @Eden1717 @MisoBear. I saw your messages yesterday but didn't have it in me to reply. I do really appreciate the support and advice though. My anxiety was a bit too crazy to call because I am staying at a friend's house from uni at the moment seems I'm currently homeless, so I was scared she'd hear me. I have tried the online ones before like some of you suggested but I didn't find them to be helpful. Reach Out is the only online platform I've found to be helpful. I just don't feel heard on any of the others for some reason. So I just pushed through it as best as I could last night until I eventually fell asleep.

 

My thoughts aren't as strong today so I've been doing a little better, just exhausted. When I get to the point where I'm scaring myself I can't seem to think straight so I'm glad today has been a bit easier. 

 

Seeing my psych defs made things worse. She mentioned a trauma she wants to start working through with me but she also mentioned about cutting back from weekly sessions to fortnightly which really upset me and stupidly made me feel like I wasn't worth her time. I struggle alot between our sessions as it is but I never tell her how I'm really feeling because I want her to think I'm okay. I know it's stupid but I don't want to worry her. It's all good anyway. I think I've decided to stop seeing her all together and go back to dealing with things on my own because I feel like it was easier. I think I just need some time on my own to get my head straight because it always happens. When I start to open up to people they start to pull away and it's like they don't want to deal with me. I always end up alone and hurt and I'm not going to put myself through it again. 

 

Now that my parents know I was seeing a psych I'm hoping I might eventually be able to open up to them and get help that way. I don't know. I just feel like my meds and psych are just making things worse rather than helping at the moment. I've also decided to come off my meds because they clearly aren't working. I'm just over it all at the moment and was really hoping the new year might change things!!!! But it hasn't even been a month and I've already managed to hit rock bottom. 

 

Sorry for the rant. I'm just really lost and lonely. 

Re: Not sure what to do

@MB95  sorry things are still hard for you. I would be careful with the meds and while I am not pro meds per say if you stop them suddenly you can get an increase of anxiety and depression symptoms so if you did want to come off I would advise to get a doctor to help you taper off. 

 

As for the psychologist I can understand the feelings of rejection when asked to have less frequent sessions. Is it possible to tell your psych that you are feeling that way and explore why perhaps that is the case. I find seeing psychologists can have mixed effects, it can be a good source of support but it can at times make us reliant on that support to continue basic functioning. Sometimes you start to feel like you won’t last a week if you don’t see the psychologist and it can make you feel very incapable of regulating yourself because you start to rely on someone else doing it for you. I personally think that if you have a clear purpose for seeing a psych then it works better than if you go in with no idea what you want. I guess it is up to you but I would talk to the psych first before quitting and see if there is something you can do to make the sessions more helpful. 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95 

 

I want you to know that you don't have to apologise for having a rant here. I think that's what is really helpful about this community, is that you can express your thoughts and feelings and that in itself can take some pressure off. 

 

I want to echo what @Eden1717 said here about making sure you speak to your doctor and make a plan to ween off, if that is what you think is best for you at this time. I also remember you speaking about your psychologist and the feelings you were having between sessions. That was and is really hard to sit with Heart 

 

Unpacking trauma is something you should feel ready to do. Do you think you'd gel better with a psych/counsellor that is happy to work on other things with you? 

 

I wanted to link a website called Ask Izzy which is an online directory to a range of services, including housing and mental well-being (and so much more). You just pop your post code in, answer a few questions and it will bring up some helpful services in your area. 

 

We're thinking of you. 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95,

 

I'm sorry things have been so tough for you. That really sucks and I wish there was more I could do for you, but I'll offer my words of support.

 

I completely get feeling like your psychologist has made things worse, I've definitely felt that way in the past. I'm wondering if I might be able to shed a bit of light onto some of her actions (obviously I don't know her and your situation intimately, but I have also seen psychologists on and off for many years. I have seen my current psychologist for 3 years now).

 

1) The trauma stuff. I can also completely get where you're coming from. If you're not ready to talk about it, the number one thing that I would do in your situation is to just be firm and say that you'd prefer to focus on x, y z (i.e. your current major issues). I think that unpacking trauma is important to get to the deeper causes or reasons for what you're feeling, but it needs to be something that's done when you feel ready to do it. That might not be for ages, but your psychologist may think you're ready for it because you haven't been fully transparent with her about how you're feeling. I know this might be tough to hear, but your psychologist won't know how you're feeling unless you're completely honest with her. That's not easy, and requires a lot of trust (which it seems like maybe you're not quite there yet and that's completely fine). It also takes time, I sometimes am not fully honest with my psych because I worry that telling her things may burden her. But you're actually paying for her to listen to you say whatever you need to say, and work through whatever you need to work through. As weird as it sounds, her feelings kind of don't matter. She will work through what she needs to work through in her own time, but she's there for you to tell everything you can't tell other people in your life. If you really feel like she's not the right fit for you, maybe you could ask for a referral to someone else who is better suited. 

 

2) Cutting back sessions. Psychologists usually do this because they think you're getting better and therefore they aren't charging you for weekly sessions you don't need anymore. If you're struggling with stuff but not telling her, she may just think you're making a lot more improvement than you are. I know it seems like she's pulling away, and maybe she is (I don't know her as I said), but I would hazard a guess that she thinks you're doing a lot better and therefore she doesn't want to charge you for sessions you don't need (that would be considered unethical by the standards of practice as a psychologist). I went from weekly sessions to fortnightly sessions, to monthly sessions to now just calling and booking when I need a check in. I remember feeling kind of offended when my psych first suggested meeting less often. It's like you pour your heart out to someone and then it clicks that they're actually a professional who's helping you, because sometimes it can feel like talking to a friend. If you want to see her more frequently then you may need to let her know that you need more support than you're getting. I'm sorry because I know that's really hard, but I think this would be better than just stopping seeing her, but it's ultimately your life and your decision and I know you'll make the right one for you. 

 

3) Please work with your doctor to come off your meds, if you decide to. It's really dangerous to try and come off them by yourself. Also, in my experience the times where I wanted to come off medication were usually the times where I actually needed it the most. I've seen many friends do the same thing and suffer for it. I took myself suddenly off anti-depressants and it was an awful, awful experience. Please consult with a doctor if you want to do it.

 

4) That's awesome that you're hoping to get some more family support, you deserve nothing but support and love. I'm sorry if this message seemed a bit tough love, I think you're such a great member of the RO community and I care a lot about you. I have so much empathy for your situation. I've been there, I've hit my rock bottom and it really sucked. I hope that you're able to do what's right for you, but also act cautiously. Sometimes we think we can do things alone, but in my experience, everything just gets harder. Humans need other humans, it's how we're hardwired. You deserve so much support and I hope that you get it. 

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
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Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @MB95,

 

I'm sorry to hear things have been a bit tough. It sucks doesn't it? You do something really hard and you push through (like when telling your parents) and then something else happens! 

I actually really liked @MisoBear's response. Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, but taking it from a logical perspective, what has been said is quite true. (Remember I like to look at things logically Smiley Tongue haha)

This also goes the same for the medication. Do speak to a doctor if you can and as @MisoBear said, this is probably the time you most need to be on them.

 

So, if you really think about it, would you be better off without your psych? I understand the last session might not have been great, but before that, all I've heard from you was that she really understood you and it was finally someone you could talk to. I'm just pointing this out as a reminder as we often become tunnel visioned when we are feeling down. And that's how life regrets or mistakes are made, which ultimately make things worse.

This very odd analogy just came to me, but i'm running with it...

A psych is similar to owning a puppy (well i'm saying it is haha). You love it (talk to them) and you play all the time (visit weekly), but it also poops inside (offends us or says something we don't agree with) and chews your furniture at around 6 months when it's teething badly (says they want to meet less frequently). Do you send it back? No. You work it through and you make it clear to the puppy where it toilets and what it can and can't chew. Then you both find a happy medium. This is what needs to be done with your psych. Decide your boundaries around your trauma, work out the frequency of your visits and really make sure you're being honest from the start. The puppy won't know to stop chewing things unless you tell them not to which is the same as telling your psych you want to see her more often.

 

Sorry if that made no sense. I just think you have to take some time and focus on yourself and really think about what YOU want before making any decisions. You can do this and we're all here with you for each step of the way.

 

 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Honestly, thank you so much guys. Your messages of support really do mean a lot. I REALLY appreciate it. 

 

I'm sorry if I sound like a bit of a downer and that I'm giving up, but when I get like this it's like I lose control of everything. Your messages are helping me see things from other perspectives though, so thanks. Because like @Alison5 mentioned, I have been pretty tunnel visioned the past few days so thanks for making me realise it, I definately needed it. 

 

Regarding the meds, I think I'm pretty set on the idea of coming off them. I have no issues with them and would NEVER dream of judging someone for being on them but for some reason I can't help but be so disappointed in myself and feel pathetic about needing them. I've been on them almost 6months maybe and I honestly haven't noticed much of a change, even after upping my dose. The only thing I've noticed is my thoughts of suicide are not as regular. But they still appear and I still go to do stupid things, so they defs haven't worked the way I'd imagined. The numbness is still there and it hasn't taken away my anxiety or depression as I'd hoped. I never wanted to go on them because I'm pretty against medications anyway but my psych thought it would be a good idea so I decided to give it a try. I feel like if it was going to do anything for me it would have done it by now. I also feel so much guilt being on them because none of my family knows, mum did ask the other week when I gave them the letter about me seeing a psych, but I couldn't tell her so I just said I wasn't. So I would rather come off them so I don't have to hide the truth from them too!! But I promise you all I will ease off them properly, I missed a dose the other day and holey shit did I pay for it. It was like I was having withdrawals or some shit because my body did not like it. So I don't particularly want to experience those physical things again! 

 

As for seeing my psych.. your analogy really did make sense @Alison5 and I loved it. What you said hit home the way I needed it to I think, so thanks. I do think highly of my psych but I don't know, I just feel like she doesn't know me and that she thinks I have my shit together so much more than what I do but I'm so scared to tell her how much I'm struggling because I don't want to upset her and make her think her intervention isn't working. I also feel like I'm wasting her time and that she's sick of me which is why she wants to cut back our sessions. I don't want to be a burden to her and I know for sure that if she starts to bring up some of the traumas we've mentioned that I am going to be a burden because I really don't know if I can deal with it on my own. I want too, but after the last couple days of her just mentioning it and not even going into things and feeling the way I have, I know I won't cope. 

 

I hope I didn't make it sound like she was pushing me into it because she's not. She asked me a few things I might like to work on this year (I gave her a list last year of all the things I want to deal with) so I mentioned one from the list thinking I could cope, but I thought wrong. It's like part of me really wants to learn to deal with it because I know it's where so many of my issues stem from, but the other part of me is so emotionally shut off to it and won't let me go anywhere near it. So I just freaked when she started mentioning the word trauma and theraputic techniques she might use to help me through it. It just really scared me. And my immediate reaction is to often bolt. To the point where I've legit moved overseas to escape it all. So I'm trying really hard, but I'm not going to lie - I did seriously consider booking a one way ticket overseas that night, and have still been thinking about it. Part of me does want to go back to her, but the other part of me really doesn't. I'm so scared and I know I shouldn't be but I'm sad and kind of angry and hurt that she asked about cutting back our sessions. I'm also really worried I've become too reliant on her like you mentioned @Eden1717 and I know that if we start to talk about actual serious shit then I'm going to be an emotional mess and get so attached to her which I don't want because it'll turn her off wanting to work with me even more!!! I don't know what to do and I don't know how to tell her I need more help than I'm letting on like you mentioned @MisoBear. I'm usually the strong one that people come to for help, so asking for it is not something I really know how to do.. and if I do ask I feel ashamed and like I'm being such a burden to people. I just feel like I'm not worth helping if that makes sense? 

 

I know that was a rediculously long rant and I promise to try keep it shorter next time but you guys are all I have for support at the moment and I just wanted to try and get my thoughts out a bit and reply to all your messages seems you all took the time to get back to mine. I think I've answered most of yours above @Bre-RO but also wanted to say thanks for the link and for trying to make me feel less guilty about having such a rant lol 

 

You guys, and this entire community, truly are amazing ❤ Rock bottom is so much easier to deal with knowing that I have your support so THANKYOU ❤

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Re: Not sure what to do

@MB95  It is your choice about the meds and actually I am generally very anti meds if I am honest. But I think if you are going to get withdrawals from them then I would wait until after your external life has settled down for a while before you start coming off them. I would think now to be a bad time to be having to deal with withdrawals..... also if the reason you are not wanting to take them is because you feel guilty then I would encourage you think deeply about that. Being on them is not a sign of weakness or something anyone should feel guilty about which would make me question if that is the depression voice trying to self sabotage. But also you did say the suicide thoughts had reduced which would indicate it had helped a little and that is really all it is for to take the edge off they are in no way a magic fix or even likely to make you feel a lot better...I am not saying you should take them or shouldn’t but I think maybe think about when and how and why you want to be off them carefully some people get very bad withdrawals and if you are thinking of doing it now while things are so intense I would think it would end in a negative way.... but again this it just my opinion and I am not trying to sound pushy. 

 

In terms of the therapy would it be better for you to take a break and then when things have settled in regards to your housing situation maybe go back in a few months and see how you are feeling. Of course the trauma stuff can only be dealt with when you are ready and maybe tell your psych you are not ready so they know about it. I just get the feeling that the  are feeling from your life situation may be making its way into your other areas of life. I am all for choosing the kind of help you want and I am not even going to argue that therapy is very helpful because for some people it actually isn’t but I can’t help but feel that maybe the lense you are making your descions from is one that is heavily covered with stress and often stress makes us want to hide and get rid of everything around us. I would encourage you to take some time and sleep on things before making the final decision then you are likely to not have any regrets. 

 

I hope I don’t sound too pushy it is not intended at all I just think these ar big decisions and don’t want you to have regrets.