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Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @MB95,

 

Heads up: This is a very long post! Smiley Tongue


Firstly, what you wrote made perfect sense! I’m sorry you had that pretty terrible day when coming off the medication. I remember I went away for a 3 day sport thing and forgot all of my medication. I knew what happened when I missed a dose so tried to mentally prepare myself. So, I always feel much more suicidal, moody, irritable and just sick. But, it’s still so hard to change that frame of mind when the effects are so major. 
I’m glad that you’ll try and ween off them more slowly. However, and it’s totally a personal thing and I get you being anti medication, as I sort of am, but I can recognize that, yes, like you, they reduce some of the suicidal thoughts. 
But, don’t you think the reduction of SOME of the thoughts is better than none? Think back to when you last felt suicidal and just how awful it was. Now think that if you come off the medication, that will be more frequent. I’m not wanting to sway you in a direction because it is your choice, but this is simply what I thought about when I was in the same position as you. 

As for the time you’ve been on them, I definitely get that you thought you’d be feeling much better all round. Not so numb and less suicidal and less anxious, but tbh, compared to myself, I had no positive affects after 6 months of medication. 
This is my fifth year on medication and we are still adjusting it all the time. Some of them have worked in some aspects, so we alter it to help other areas and then problems may arise so we try a new one altogether or add an additional one. 
It is an extremely long and painful process, but now that I have found a concoction that, compared to when I first started, has absolutely changed my life for the better, I do not regret the 5 years of side effects and changing and everything. And it has been mentioned the long term goal will to be off all medication, but I can’t deny the fact it has helped. Mentally, it was hard to get my head around the fact that this medication was making me so sick but I should keep trying them, but now that there’s been some success, it is all worth it. And I constantly remind myself of the beginning and now and the comparison is great. 
You’ve also got to take a bit of control. So I became sick of feeling just sad and crying about random things as a direct result of medication. It helped with anxiety and suicidal thoughts etc, but the crying was so annoying. So I just walked in to my psychologist who is also a psychiatrist and was like “I can’t take it anymore. I need to change the medication. I just cry over random things.” And he was like, right. Okay. Thanks for telling me and that same session he altered it and it was great. But had I not told him and sort of demanded a change, I likely would have stayed on that dose. 
So maybe you can look at what the future of altering medication etc. holds for you. Because, I can assure you that the chances of finding a concoction of medication that does all those things you mentioned, is very likely,  but you just have to stick with it and accept it may take some time. 😃 👍🏼

 

Regarding the guilt, just think about when you do find the right combo of medication how much happier you and your family will be for you. You wouldn’t hesitate taking medication for pain if you broke your arm etc. And this is a type of pain. It’s a terrible mental pain which sometimes requires medication to help ease it. 
Again, I don’t want to push you to do anything, I just want to give my perspective and experience so you can make a well-rounded decision. 😊

 

In terms of your psych, what I used to do when I thought, ”Nope. I’m not seeing them again.” I gave them 3 more sessions before making up my mind. Because I knew that the reason I disliked it may have been a result of many things unrelated to our relationship. So, perhaps I was having a particularly bad day or maybe they were! Or perhaps I wasn’t listening or was distracted. So I made sure to go another 3 times and if then I still believe it’s not a good fit, I’ll make the next move to find someone else. 


And I know many people have said it, but it’s the job of a psych to take on your problems and help you work through them. When you hire a plumber to fix your leaking tap, you don’t feel guilty or like a burden for making them come and fix it and a psych is no different. It’s literally their job and it’s what you pay them for, just like a plumber. They actually need you for business but they’re obviously not going to abuse that also. 
I would out rightly ask why she thinks fortnightly will be better and then that can help you ease into sharing your thoughts that you are struggling a bit more and would prefer weekly. 

 

Just let her know that you’re not sure you’re ready to talk about ... trauma yet and maybe start with something easier. Just ease into it. Unfortunately it is a long and tiring process, but I guarantee it will be worth it!

 

And it’s so much easier to have support than do it alone. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved. In this time of great difficulty, relying on your psych is not a bad thing. It’s like when you’re a toddler. You have to have your parents there or you’ll do something dangerous or silly like run on the road. Until you learn and practice that that’s something you shouldn’t do, you have to rely on your parents. 
Over time, your parents will slowly let you be more independent and learn and try things and I can assure you that your psych will ease you off relying on her. They’re a professional and know how to do it really well without leaving you feeling alone and incapable. 

I know that was a ridiculously long post, but just wanted to get it down before I forgot haha. 

You're doing so well @MB95! 💜

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @MB95,

 

There has been so much support and great insights from @Eden1717 and @Alison5 who can both relate to what you are going through Heart 

 

At the moment, who is overseeing your medication? Do you have a GP or Psychiatrist? (apologies if you have mentioned this and I have missed it) 
It may be worth bringing some of the questions you have, and maybe some of the thoughts from other community members to the professional overseeing your medication and talk through your wants with them. They will be able to give you all the information you need to make an informed decision for your recovery Heart 

 

Every time I read your posts, I am so impressed by how much thought and reflection you put into seeking help, and the path for seeking help that you feel best suits you. I am so glad you have been open with us- it can be hard to open up to psychologists and build that trust, and while you do we are also here to listen! Any decisions you make with your professionals about the way forward for your recovery, we will be here to support you Heart

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Re: Not sure what to do

Please don't ever worry about being pushy @Eden1717. Sometimes it's difficult for me to take on what people are saying when I'm not in a good way but I always know that everyone on this community is coming from a good place. So if I find it hard to sit with I'll often just delay my response and re-read it with a clearer head when the time is right because I know you are all only trying to help. And I really do appreciate it. Sometimes I need the tough love act anyway because my brain won't let me see things the way I should be seeing them!!! So it's all good, I never take offense to anything said in this community 😊

 

And don't ever stress about the long posts @Alison5, I ALWAYS look forward to what you have to say because I find I can really relate to you, so I appreciate the time you put into responding ❤ I feel like this is one of the only places (besides my journal) where I can speak openly about things so when you guys actually listen and are there to support me it just means so much to me. I've never been able to see myself as being worthy but your responses and support always helps and leaves me feeling less alone. 

 

As for the meds guys, as much as I want to come off them, I am hearing what you are all saying and after reading what you have to say I have recognised that maybe right now is not the best time. I think the whole trying to move house thing and starting back at work and uni is really stressing me out and then the whole thing with my psych didn't help. So I am hearing you. I wasn't at first, but I am feeling a little more accepting and open today so have allowed myself to think about it a little better. The guilt thing is something I can't seem to get past though. I hate that I can't tell my parents about it and I just feel terrible they don't know.

 

I appreciate you sharing your story @Alison5 because I always find it so inspiring to hear because to me, you really seem like you have your shit together which is where I'd like to be one day!! I have thought about trying to change meds but it also really stresses me out trying it all while I'm at uni. I'm a bit of a high achiever and generally won't allow myself to settle for anything less than a HD so when all this shit is going on too I just get so overwhealmed and can't seem to cope and it's often my uni that suffers.. 

 

To answer your question @Jess1-RO it's a GP that's overseeing my medications at the moment. Although, I often feel like she doesn't get me or really even care to listen properly? It's just like she is more interested in writing a script and sending me on my way. I don't know. Like I trust my psych more than her when it comes to my meds. And I kind of just wish my psych could do it for me because I feel like she'd have a much better idea of my needs. I don't know? Like I had a strange feeling that other things might have been bringing on and affecting some of my mental health - like eating or my thyroid or something etc. This was when I was finding it really hard to accept I was 'mentally ill' so was trying to find other excuses. So I requested a blood test from my GP (she never suggested one before prescribing the meds) and turns out my iron and B12 were crazy low so I need weekly injections and daily supplements. So I don't know, ever since then I feel like she isn't really in it to care or help? I've thought about changing GPs but my psych recommended her so I'm kind of scared to for some reason.. 

 

I think your idea to see your psych 3 more times before choosing not to go back is a great one @Alison5 so thanks for sharing! I will think about it. And I have a feeling I'll eventually cave and go back but right now I think my emotions are a bit too high because I'm pretty turned off the idea. It's like I know I need her but I don't want too if that makes sense? I know it's silly but it really upset me and made me feel pretty worthless when she mentioned cutting back. Like she asked what I thought and I didn't want her to think I was like a child and too attached so I told her it was fine. But it's clearly not because if it was I wouldn't be feeling like this would I? I don't know. I think I'm going to take a break like you suggested @Eden1717. I know it's not going to be easy but I do think I need to try and find it in myself to trust that I can do this alone again because I am worried I've become too reliant on her. I do love your analogy about it being like when you're a toddler @Alison5. And it's like part of me agrees and understands but the other part beats myself up for acting like a reliant toddler and keeps telling me how pathetic I am and how I should be able to cope on my own. I HATE the voices inside my head! It's like there are two of me. One that is open and accepting and one that is so shut off and unaccommodating. I also loved the plummer analogy - you should write a book of them! 😂

 

Thanks for always being there guys ❤

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @MB95,

 

That's great about the meds and I think you’ve done really well in taking on all of our suggestions and ideas. 
Also, I did wonder whether that toddler analogy may be an odd one. But I just want to clarify that I didn’t mean it as someone being young, pathetic and helpless, but more that a toddler is growing up and learning and we are all growing and learning with mental health. Fortunately, we don’t often have these concerns as a toddler, but it means we have to start learning later in life. 

I hope that makes a bit more sense because I certainly think you are more than capable and should give yourself more credit!

 

I'm clearly having an analogy day today haha. 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @MB95,

 

It is such a huge strength to be able to take on the feedback, ideas and experiences of others- not an easy thing to do, and so brave! Heart 

 

I'm really sorry to hear you don't have a strong connection with your GP. Self advocating for a blood test was a great idea, and good on you for making that call. It is amazing how much B12 and iron play such a huge part in energy, sleep, coping with stress and everyday life! I'm on supplements for B12 and iron too and they have done a wealth of good for my energy! Hope they help you too Smiley Happy

 

So much of your post I relate to from my some of my first experiences of seeking mental health support and medications- with your determination, willingness/openness to try new strategies for coping and your courage to reach out here when you need to, I hold so much hope for you that your recovery will keep moving forward Heart You've thought through some big decisions here today!

 

Any time you need a reminder of the incredibly compassionate, understanding, open, honest and determined person we see that you are, we will be here to remind you of the strengths we see in you and cheer you on Smiley Happy 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @MB95,

 

Thanks for acknowledging my post. I'm glad other users have also been able to help you. I'm just finding this thread really triggering at the moment and I think I need to take a step back. A lot of what you're writing about is just hitting way too close to home, which is not your fault at all but I don't think I can respond without becoming really distressed and I don't want to distress anyone else on here. I support you and know you will do the best thing for you. Stay strong Smiley Happy

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“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
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Re: Not sure what to do

I'm really sorry to hear that what I've been writing has been a trigger for you @MisoBear. You have to put your own health first and I think it's amazing that you've recognised it and are doing just that. Thank you for your amazing support. I totally understand and hope you are okay. I am also here if you need to talk ❤

 

It's okay @Alison5, I knew where you were going with the toddler analogy. I was just meaning I can relate and sometimes I allow myself to see it as a good thing but most of the time I just feel childish and stupid for needing help when I'm meant to be an 'adult'. 

 

Thank you so much for your beautiful message @Jess1-RO ❤ It has definately been a little mood booster and made me smile, so thank you. I was just wondering if you'd mind me asking how long it took for you to notice changes with your B12 and iron? Like I've been doing it for I'd say almost 3 months and I haven't noticed any changes - I'm still exhausted as ever! 

 

Also, I just wanted to share with you guys that because of your support I was able to push myself to go and hang out at my favourite park today. I'm still feeling pretty off but have definatly noticed a change and have been able to ease my mind of the suicial thoughts so THANK YOU!!! I just lay down staring up at the trees and listening to the birds and I think it was just what I needed. 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95,

 

I'm so proud of you, being in nature can be so healing.  

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
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Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @MB95,

 

Great question! I found I had to try different types of these two supplements to notice a difference. When I had the tablet form of B12 I didn't get the same energy boost that I did with sublingual (spray under the tongue) or the B12 booster injections from my doctor. It could be worth going back to your doctor to see whether the amount of supplement, and what form the supplement comes in is impacting how well it works. 

 

Also making sure I have a diverse diet, adding more iron and vitamin B rich foods really helped! I still get the exhaustion, it's better some days and not others (just like my recovery!) but it is definitely an improvement from where I started with the supplements Smiley Happy

 

Has your doctor been doing regular blood tests to see if the supplements are helping to boost your B12 and Iron? 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Thanks heaps for sharing @Jess1-RO 😊 It's so nice to hear of someone else's experience cause I don't really have anyone to ask these questions to and I don't want to sound like I'm being needy or 'over dramatic' by asking my doctor a heap of questions. I get it's not a huge deal in the way illnesses go, but it's kinda a big deal to me? Like I just always thought my fatigue was due to my depression but knowing there's a physical aspect to it as well I just really want to fix it!! 

 

I hadn't even heard of the spray so that's interesting! I'm just on the weekly injections and have been for a few months now but really haven't noticed much of a change. 

 

I had an appointment thismorning and requested my bloods to be done so hopefully the results will show something is working! 🤞 I'm not entirely sure if I should be sticking with this doctor or changing.. like she's not the worst, but I generally have to ask for something to be done. Like she never asks, and with my meds she never asks how they're going? Idk. I know GPs are often different and don't care as much but it's just weird.. I often feel like I'm doing her job for her? 🙃