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Re: Not sure what to do

@MB95  If I am being honest (of course I could be wrong but) it sounds like you are trying to push your psych away so you don’t end up hurt because you believe that you are such a burden that they will eventually or perhaps soon get completely sick of you and ask you to leave when you feel very attached to them and wouldn’t be able to cope with them leaving, so you are essentially trying to mitigate that by being the one to leave thus taking some control over the possibly impending bad situation..... is that right? If it is I would just like to gently remind you that psychologist don’t get sick of clients it is very literally their job to tolerate the effects of people telling them about their bad feelings, difficulties, problems and such. They also don’t just drop a client without having a conversation first and usually would only do something like that if they thought they couldn’t help and in that instance they would help to refer you to someone else. I am not saying taking a break isn’t going to be helpful but I think pushing away your psych for something that probably won’t happen the way you might be imagining it might be a little bit unnecessary... also sometimes and I am not saying you should or shouldn’t stop but sometimes meds don’t feel like they are helping but they are doing something and it could be even worse so stopping might be bad, then again they could also be doing nothing and stopping might make no difference I don’t know how it would be for you. But I guess I am trying to say I would encourage you to think about the situation with your psychologist without the consideration of the abandonment fears and without considering how you may be making your psychologist feel. But that is just my opinion/thoughts and really this is all up to you. 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Did you ever feel guilty for talking to your OT instead of your CM @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ? Like it doesn't happen every time, but a lot of the time I need to call my back up psych it's because somethings happened and I don't feel safe and just need someone to talk to, but I always feel guilty cause a) I'm not her client and shouldn't be annoying her and b) I feel like I should be telling my own psych things before I tell her.. 

 

YES! Okay, I'm glad it's not just me who feels that cause it drives me mad!!! Like sometimes I will have actual full on conversations in my head and those different me's will be fighting about what to say and do? Idk if that happens for you too? It's just exhausting and I don't know how to shut them all up!!!! 😔

 

Well not exactly the same week.. I'm sending the email today and won't be back home till the weekend so will hopefully get in to see my GP early next week! I honestly don't know they've helped at all.. I don't feel like much has changed. My psych also doesn't think they've done anything (It's almost been a year) so she wants me to see a psychiatrist but that's a whole other story and battle 🙃 My GP agrees if they aren't doing anything then I should come off them so.. that's what I'll do! I never wanted to be on meds in the first place so I'm kind of really looking forward to ending the whole process to be honest! 

 

Idk, I don't think I have a secret plan lol I just feel like this needs to be done. I need to come off meds and I need to give my psych a break from dealing with me and just try doing it alone again for a while. I guess a little part of me hopes she will care enough to want to step in and help me but I'm not telling her about the meds thing so she won't be able to anyway. I just need to stop relying on people. Like even on here, I'm always sending such long messages and about the smallest and dumbest things when I should be dealing with it on my own!! Idk. I'm just trying to get back some of my independence I guess if that makes sense? I feel too old to be on here and seeing a psych. I should have my shit together and be able to rely on myself!! So I'm just gonna force myself to try. It'll either work or it'll epically fail lol There's only one way to find out! 🙃

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Re: Not sure what to do

Also @Eden1717, it says you replied but I can't see your message for some reason.. so I'm sorry! I'm not ignoring you, I just can't see it for some strange reason 🙃

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95 , 

 

Just catching up on your thread, there sounds like there's quite a bit going on for you at the moment... I'm wondering if you've ever talked to your psych about these kind of ambivalent feelings you're having about whether or not you're too dependent on them, and whether or not you should keep seeing them? I know it's a kind of awkward conversation to have, but it could be good to lay out how you're feeling for them, what do you think? You say you feel like you're too old to be on here and seeing a psych - but a lot of people see a psych on  and off for their whole lives, some of the strongest people I know see a psych regularly.  

 

On a completely other note @Lost_Space_Explorer5  - your sloth GIFs are amazing!!!! You are super talented!!! 

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for August 2020 here
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Re: Not sure what to do

I don't really talk to the OT very much at the moment since covid started but I didn't feel that guilty cause she's apart of the team. Just felt like she was getting annoyed with me and thought I was looking for attention? But I don't think she actually was.

Ooh I love writing out my little fights in my head it's so amusing, there's like reasonable me and freaking out or bitter me and somehow reasonable me can get through to sad/anxious me. Have you ever tried that? Like literally writing a little script between your two selves?

Oh but then sometimes sad me just does little soliloquies..

Here's an extract from when I got put in hospital this last time- is it weird I find it kinda humorous? Smiley Tongue

" ...Here's to being alone *clink* *drinks apple juice*... I'm wearing my jumper that hasn't been washed in like 4 days? It makes me feel safe.. I'm commencing my vow of silence! People don't care and I don't want them to. This is what I deserve. I'll be a robot, cause that's all I'm worth.."

Then a bunch of rules for my vow of silence and a broom analogy???

Yeah.. pretty sure the vow of silence lasted 2 days max HAHAH and my psych coaxed me out of it. I can tell you what she said if you think it might be helpful? That was meant to be a cheerful extract but just got dark so probably not the best thing to cheer you up... The broom analogy was humorous though! Maybe it will make you feel less alone because I get the feeling of wanting to push everyone away too Smiley Sad

You'd be surprised about how many people wayyy older than you certainly do not have their shit together! But I think you know that! Plus humans are social creatures, you're meant to rely on people for support, you're hard wired for it, I'm afraid Smiley Tongue Unless you would like to pull a Lost_Space_Explorer5 and try to become a robot on a vow of silence HAHA

Uh huh, so what does epic failing look like @MB95...? Smiley Sad

Would you be able to check in with what your body is telling you about this decision you're making? (e.g. what's your breathing like, do you have any uncomfortable feelings?). Because when we feel uncomfortable physically by a decision we're making, it means we're trying to tell ourselves we don't really want to do this.

Awh thanks @Janine-RO, it's not talent it's just practice! Smiley Very Happy
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Re: Not sure what to do

@MB95  I did reply it was long and I put in a lot of effort and it was up for about 10 seconds then I went to the main section and it was just gone. No idea what happened. So here goes take 2. 

 

I may be wrong about this but to me it seems like you think you are such a burden and are so afraid of being abandoned or left by your psych because you think you are too much for them that you are trying to protect yourself by being the one to leave first then you will have some control of the possible impending situation where your psychologist tries to leave you because you think you are a burden to them and you feel so attached that having them leave suddenly would be way too much to deal with... is that possibly what is going on? If it is I would like to gently remind you that it is very literally the psychologists job to deal with the feelings that come up with a client telling them really intense stuff or needing them a lot and they don’t get sick of clients, they also don’t leave suddenly and would only leave if they thought someone else was going to work better for you in which case they would still have a conversation with you. But they don’t just leave or not show up because they are “sick” of a client that doesn’t happen. I am not saying a break would or wouldn’t help you but maybe pushing away your psych so that you don’t get hurt because of something that likely wouldn’t happen the way it does when we catastrophize in our minds seems to me a little bit counterproductive. 

 

I cannot speak about if stopping meds would be good or bad but some people do find that they don’t feel like the meds are helping but when they go off them it gets much much worse and the meds actually were helping. Others don’t find a difference. But I would also consider the withdrawal process carefully as that can make things worse so is best done when things around you are fairly stable. 

 

This is all just my opinion and I wrote it much better before but I can’t remember all that now so this is what you are getting. 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Thanks @Janine-RO. I've tried talking to her a bit about it in the past but I really struggle to tell her how I'm truly feeling cause I don't wanna freak her out and scare her off so I down play it alot and she doesn't really get it I don't think. Idk. Sometimes I feel like I fool her just as well as I fool everyone else when I pretend I'm okay. I just don't know how to communicate I'm not. But it's all good, I'm so used to it by now that no one will ever understand me (in real life amyway).

 

I always stress about that @Lost_Space_Explorer5 and worry my psych thinks I'm only seeing her for attention. But it's all good, I emailed her thismorning asking to cancel our appointment and told her I'm sorry for wasting her time and have decided to take a break. She didn't reply like she normally does so I hope I haven't pissed her off but at least it's done now! 

 

Your little extract defs made me feel less alone.. and gave me a little giggle because I can relate so well! 🤣 Do you mind sharing what your psych said to you? Idk if it'll help but I guess it's worth a try? I feel like maybe I'm pretending I don't care that I've just cancelled my appointment and told her to leave me alone but I also know how much I care about her so kinda feel really bad. But it had to be done! 

 

Epic failing.. hmm.. looks like my life 🤣 That the answer you were looking for @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ? 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Aww @Eden1717 thankyou so much for going to the effort to try and rewrite your message! I don't know how many times that's happened to me.. it's so damn frustrating!!! So I really appreciate it! I know how exhausting it can be having to rewrite it so please don't ever feel like you have to - I just didn't want you to think I was ignoring your message! Maybe @Janine-RO  or @Taylor-RO  can help with this? I remember @Lost_Space_Explorer5 was having issues at one stage and some spam thing was chewing them up so the mods had to fix it or something, idk.. 

 

Anyway, thank you! I don't know why but I've always felt like I owe my psych something? It's just weird. I hate being a burden to people and have never felt deserving of anything, ESPECIALLY someone sitting to listen to how I feel.. like idk, it just feels weird. I felt like I was getting on a roll with her and really starting to build trust and was ready to start the trauma therapy with her and now I don't want a bar of any of it. It's like after the other day I just instantly lost all trust in her.. idk. 

 

And as for the meds, honestly, nothing is very stable with me atm and I'm not sure it will be for a while but I feel like coming off them is the only thing that is going to give me power and feel like I'm in charge? Idk. I know it's stupid but a huge reason why I ever went on them in the first place was cause my psych suggested them and I didn't want to upset her so I just did as she suggested. Like I thought about it and ultimately it was obviously my decision but I've never wanted to be on them and decided to trial them for her. So I figure it's time to come off them. They just make me feel worse cause they don't do anything for me so it upsets me that not even meds will fix me and then I just feel guilty because none of my family know I'm on them and I had to lie to my mum when she asked if I was. So I'm hoping if I come off them the guilt will also go away!!! I'm a bit scared about the withdrawls and stuff but knowing the end goal is to not be on meds I'm hoping will help! 

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Re: Not sure what to do

@Eden1717, your post was probably eaten by the spam bot, that used to happen to me. You could ask a mod to retrieve it back for you? You make some good points in your take 2 post though. I think you're absolutely right about a psych never choosing to leave or not show up from being 'sick' of a client. Yup, that's exactly what happened to me when I stopped my meds lol..

@MB95 Mm yeah that misconception of seeking help for attention is such a hard thing to get rid of. Besides, what's wrong with getting attention when you need it? I'm not even sure why people say oh you're doing that for attention, we don't even work that way. But whoops it's sort of ingrained in my mind now cause of what my family has said to me.

Sure, I don't mind Smiley Happy She told me there's two opposing mindsets in RO-DBT "fixed mind" and "fatalistic mind". Fixed mind is where you're set on your path stubbornly opposing change and fatalistic is where you give up because there's no way to fix a problem.

There's the analogy of the captain of the titanic. So if you were in fixed mind, you are certain this voyage is going to work so you keep doing what you're doing and ignore any warning signs (you're getting through this in tact, ice bergs be damned)! If you're in fatalistic mind, you get scared by the first hit by an iceberg, run inside and lock yourself in your cabin, ignoring the crew members knocking on your door, and wait for it all to be over cause there's nothing that can be done.

However, flexible mind is where you're open to trying to solve a problem and try new things (e.g. the captain of the ship sees that we've hit an iceberg and decides to help everyone get out and listens to his crew members)

Which mindset do you think you're in atm? Cause I would say I was in fatalistic when I wrote that journal entry, I gave up on trying and accepted I was meant to be alone.

If you are in one of these mindsets, how could you be more open to feedback and change? Is it actually helpful for you to stay in one of these mindsets.

I'm curious as to what you mean by feeling bad? Physically bad? Unsettled?

And then she got me to ground myself, by taking nice slow breaths, and feeling my feet on the floor. And generate some loving kindness for anyone I cared about. And slowly, I was slightly more open to change and felt much better. Before that, my body screaming at me not to shut down and push everyone away (i.e. my throat was tight, there was a huge weight on my chest, I was a bit teary but also numb, I didn't see any future, and felt completely disconnected). I was listening to what my head was telling me to do without actually wanting that, because I was also trying to protect myself and stick on the path I had to be on. Like whenever there was this small chance of being open I would be about to say something and have the thought "No I can't say that, I have to hide" and then I'd be even more closed off. I'm rambling now where was I even going with this lol
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Re: Not sure what to do

@MB95  I can understand why you feel that way low self esteem and self worth can really change the way we look at things. I guess for me I try to remember that I don’t owe the psychologist anything they are there for ME and they are being PAID to provide me with a service. That may sound selfish but it is the truth they aren’t taking time out of their work day to listen and support me with nothing in return, listening to me and trying to help me IS their job and they are being paid (a bloody lot in my case) to listen and help me through things. It is a professional arrangement. As such the speed I improve and how I go about that is up to me and genuinely it is all down to how I want to do that. I am not saying this in the sense that I will ignore the psych but I am paying for them to help me do something and it isn’t like they are a friend or someone who is sacrificing a lot for me while trying to do a job they aren’t trained for. 

 

Do you think that maybe you wanting a break has anything anything to do with you trying to avoid starting the trauma therapy? Like you are shutting down because you aren’t ready or don’t want to deal with that stuff? Also do you think going off meds is like another way to separate yourself form the psychologist? As in you did it for them and now you don’t wan to talk to them so you will stopthe meds as well?