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Re: Not sure what to do

Okay @MB95, don't go tempting me to throw virtual cold water over you cause girl you know you deserve help and you know this is the path to destruction, you know this isn't the right way to go about protecting yourself! Smiley Sad But I won't throw virtual cold water over you Smiley Sad I just wish you'd see yourself as you see everyone else but you're holding yourself to such extreme standards

It's very worrying.. It sounds like your psych broke your trust because what she said hit you where you were most anxious about, like where the most doubt was. And whether she meant it that way or not, suddenly your beliefs and doubts about yourself were confirmed, that you were burdening people, that you should be doing this all on your own Smiley Sad It really sounds like you were so ready to find a reason to surrender all hope and go it alone..

Woof that stressed me to write, I hope it's not too stressful to read, but I was going off my nurturing instincts of 'tough love' Smiley Tongue MB95, we're right here with you, we don't want you to push everyone away and go this alone.

Just.. be careful okay.. with the decision you make about the meds. Be honest with your GP if they decide to take you off the meds, if your symptoms start to worsen at all
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Re: Not sure what to do

Ugh that wasn't phrased in the best way, sorry. What I should be saying is:

I'm concerned about you Smiley Sad When this happened to me I found I was already thinking I was a burden and if a comment confirming that belief came up that sent me over. Do you think this is similar to what you're experiencing? I'm always here if you want to talk. Ultimately it's your decision what happens but considering what we've said might help you make a balanced decision
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Re: Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95 just wanted to let you know that I have been catching up on your thread and feeling for you with what you're going through. It can take time to work out whats best for you, go easy on yourself, you will get there. 

 

Also @Eden1717 just wanted to say that I really admire the support you gave on this thread. 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95, how are you doing today? Did your psych respond? I'm sorry I was a bit harsh with the 'tough love' yesterday Smiley Sad I hope it wasn't hurtful, I was trying to pull you out of that dark place.. But a lot of the time that's impossible, so I'll continue to sit with you through the storm Smiley Sad
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Re: Not sure what to do

Thanks for the support guys, I'm sorry to be annoying or if things are beginning to sound really repetitive.. my memory isn't great atm especially and I feel like I can't remember anything and keep going in circles so I'm sorry. Don't be afraid to point out if I keep mentioning the same shit, i won't be offended! I honestly think I just need to be told to get over it. So the tough love is fine @Lost_Space_Explorer5 lol I feel like you know when to use it and when not.

 

Thanks for sharing the info about the different mind sets and the analogy (it made it make sense lol). I feel like I was in a flexible mind until the other day and now I'm in that fatalistic mind. Idk? I don't exactly want to listen to myself and give up, a small part of me does want to keep fighting but the most part of me is just over it all and wants to give up. Like earlier today I was so set on deleting my account on here (mostly cause I'm getting attached to some of you and always turning to you for help when I shouldn't) but I'm also scared to cause I know I'll have no one then. My brain is just not functioning at all atm. It's like I'm falling into self destruct mode and nothing is gonna stop me. And it just feels pathetic cause I can see what's happening but can't stop it? It's like I don't care what happens? Idk if I'm even making any sense sorry 😔 Like I said.. I'm all over the goddam place!! 

 

Thanks for putting the psych relationship back into perspective for me @Eden1717. Idk why but sometimes I just wish she was my friend and not my psych so I'd be more comfortable with her and could be 100% open and honest with her so she could give me the help I really need. Idk, it's too hard to explain. Reading that for some reason just made me even more upset with her and wanting to cut her out. Don't ask me to explain why cause I have no clue.. 

 

I guess I didn't really think of that but I guess going off my meds is me finding a way to seperate from my psych more, idk? I never wanted to be on them and she knows that but I did it for her and coming off them is for me but I guess I'm quietly trying to be angry at her in that way? I really don't know. I know this sounds totally fucked up but I guess I don't care what happens and if I end up in hospital or worse then maybe she'll finally realise I'm not ready to do things on my own yet and I do need her like I try and tell her. Idk. I know she is trying to get me to be independent but sometimes it just scares me knowing that if I am then she is gonna back off and not want to see me anymore. The other day just really upset me and made me angry cause it was like she was trying to suggest calling other people for support but I already had!! She was literally my last option because I didn't want to annoy her but I was so worked up over the stupid housemate shit that I just felt like I needed to talk to her cause it often helps.. idk. I'm rambling I'm sorry. 

 

I don't think I'm trying to avoid the trauma therapy cause for once I was honestly feeling ready and determined to start it and was asking her but because of fucking COVID she has said no to starting it. And then after the other day it just threw me backwards and now I don't trust her to talk about any of it because she is only going to leave. I'm just annoyed because it took so much out of me to get to where I just was and now I feel like I'm way back to the beginning and there's no point bothering again. 

 

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 you're right - she literally confirmed my worries and feelings. I've been okay. Been better, but I'm okay. Just trying not to think about any of it during the day. I haven't checked if she's emailed cause I'm worried about what she'll say but I think I'll check it shortly to make sure she's cancelled tomorrow. I just want it all to go away and for her to leave me alone. I don't even know what to say to her. I just wanna be left alone.

 

 

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Re: Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95 Smiley Sad

My memory sucks all the time lol, I think it's cause of the overthinking.. so maybe that's what's happening with you? Hehe we actually talked about fixed and fatalistic mindset today in group! WhAt A COIncIDenCe Smiley Tongue I think I am inclined to agree with you on being in fatalistic mind, that is my main form so I know it all too well. Honestly everything you wrote here resonates with me, when I was last in that really dark place Smiley Sad With the fact you are at SUCH a low point right now, I'm going to strongly advise you don't tamper with the meds, even if they ain't doing anything. Just don't mess with your brain chemistry right now! Your brain is already being hella mean to you..

Okay, we did mindsets today in group so I'm gonna share with you what they told us to do, I hope you don't mind? Honestly, this program is SO structured, you go through a worksheet of what to do for hw, definitely targeted towards the overcontrolled Smiley Tongue

Ahem here we go.. Learning from fatalistic mind. I will paraphrase, no copyright intended!
STEP ONE: When threatened, observe emotions, urges to do something, and thoughts coming from fatalistic mind. So basically this is feeling like shutting down, giving up, because you feel powerless to tackle the problem.

(I love how I just am straight up giving you this advice, I'm so sorry, feel free to skip down to the emotional support part of this post instead of pragmatic stuff)

STEP TWO: Identify that you might be in fatalistic mind, which is the opposite to resisting/fighting. So it's passively just going along with the problem. Remember that fatalistic isn't bad, it just means your mind is trying to tell you something is wrong, eg. you've been pushing yourself too much, something needs to change, etc. Also remember that this mindset is a learned response, it has worked in the past for you, in some way (e.g. people might back off and leave you alone)

STEP THREE: Listen to your mindset and learn from it. Go opposite to what fatalistic mind is telling you to do. Take slow breaths as you think about openly facing your problem in a flexible way (so taking on help of others but also thinking for yourself). Remember you are choosing to act in fatalistic mind, no one is forcing you. Avoid urges to try and escape your reality. This mindset thrives on secrecy and rejecting help from others.

mhmm so that was a brief summary of the worksheet, feel free to ignore it if it doesn't seem like it would help.

*emotional support time* Smiley Sad Awhh @MB95 *sloth hug?* I know stuff is really intense right now and I'm here, I won't leave you no matter how much you try to push me away Smiley Tongue. Although, if you deleted your account.. I probably couldn't get to you.. You don't have to push us away to get all these horrible feelings to stop.

You know those thoughts that your mind is telling you to give up and push everyone away? I don't think they're self destructive. I think you might just be trying to protect yourself. Because when you put yourself out there, and tried to do all the things to 'get better' and help yourself, a person you trusted said something that felt really invalidating and suggested to you that you should be more independent. And I feel like this struck a huge vulnerable place for you that you shouldn't be dependent on others because they could hurt you(??) I'm just hypothesising here, I could be completely wrong, so do correct me! So just when you were starting to open up and giving reaching out/ depending on someone a try, the idea that depending on people is a bad thing was flipped right back at you and you reacted like anyone would. You went back to 'being independent', by doing everything on your own, because it seems like that's what everyone wants, maybe you feel like no one wants to be there for you and that you knew you were right that there's no point in trying? Anyway, that's what I've experienced and the vibe I'm getting from you but tell me if I'm off the mark Smiley Tongue

So.. I think that in a way this isn't about your psych. This is because the one time you were really trying to get past this belief that you're supposed to do everything alone, and starting to trust others, you saw a confirmation of that belief. And now, maybe, being in fatalistic mind, you're wanting to push everyone else away because you don't want to get that false hope and be hurt over again..

MB95, you don't have to do this to be alone and protect yourself from being hurt again Smiley Sad I think a part of you knows that. You're not going to get hurt every time you reach out to people, but you will sometimes, and that's okay. It's how we grow, ya know. And if a person is mean, then you don't have to keep trying with that person, but you shouldn't give up entirely and put all that blame on yourself, because you don't deserve it, and you deserve to feel loved. I think discussing this openly with your psych might help so you can understand things from her perspective.. Alliance ruptures are quite common in therapy, and they tend to make trust stronger. They're opportunities to grow and learn about yourself. Ew that sounded really cheesy. I'm sorry I'm just rambling if you read through this all I will be impressed Smiley Tongue People do care about you. And you care about people. Just remember that okay Smiley Sad
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Re: Not sure what to do

I checked my email @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I knew I shouldn't have but I stupidly did and now I just feel even worse. She replied and said it's up to me what I want to do. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I don't want to talk to her tomorrow cause I'm not sure I'm ready but I also don't think I want her to leave completely. Like I know deep down I don't want her to. As much as I want her to now. I know I really don't.. I feel like you'll understand? I don't know how to respond to her, I was just going to ignore it but I know she'll try calling tomorrow and I don't want that. I just want to be left alone.

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Re: Not sure what to do

Yeah.. of course she said that, she kinda has to Smiley Tongue! She can't hold you against your will! Because stuff is always meant to be up to the client, unless they're unsafe! Please take that phone call tomorrow and tell her how you've been feeling. If it's too much, you could start with "I'm not okay" just so she knows. The worst that can happen is she leaves, but if you push her away that is going to happen anyway. Getting that all out in the open should lift this huge burden off your chest and maybe give you some more clarity? I totally get you, I've said I wanted to quit all the time without 100% really wanting it to happen. If you just leave without talking this through, you might regret it, and feel all icky like this was your fault. She's your psych, she's there to listen and understand the why's and she might appreciate the honest feedback. She does this job because she cares, not for the paycheck. I think she does care about you because of how much support she has shown you. Hmm I think you want to be protected from anything that might hurt you again @MB95. Maybe you don't want to be alone, but you would much rather it to feeling all these things Smiley Sad
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Re: Not sure what to do

It's so good you're talking openly about how things have been going for you @MB95 ❤ It's really brave and I appreciate how bloody hard it is to open up to people.

I just thought I should point that out. Because despite being in 'fatalistic' mind, you are still open to getting support on here and that is amazing, it shows you do care and you do want help Smiley Happy But you don't want to get hurt. We're here to support you Smiley Happy
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Re: Not sure what to do

Holey shit @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I don't even know what to reply with. I have no words. I think I liked the group tips cause they didn't make me emotional lol Your emotional support section killed me. I don't think I took a breath during that because it was so accurate it scared me. It just made so much sense. Why do you know me so damn well?! Seriously, this is freaking me out! I honestly don't know what to say. I'm not feeling flash after reading the email and then seeing this has just made me even more sad for some reason. But thank you. You truly are special ❤