cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 
Highlighted

Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @MB95 , 

 

Thanks so much for updating us, and please don't apologise for writing a long post! I often find that getting things out on paper can really help me, and you never need to apologise for writing whatever  you need to write here Smiley Happy 

 

I think that @Eden1717  and @Wathan  have given really excellent advice and insights here.  I can also really relate to those ambivalent feelings around seeing a psychologist. It sounds like on one hand, you feel like you do need to see them and work through things, and on the other hand, you want to feel like you have worked through things by yourself, and it takes a lot of energy to talk about everything that you're feeling ,especially if you haven't told them everything in the past. Is that roughly right? I think what @Wathan  has said is spot on - the best psychologists I've met have been incredibly non-judgmental, and it's very common for people to not disclose everything they're going through at the time. You say that you're worried about running in to your psychologist on campus, are you worried that they will somehow think less of you for not making an appointment? 

 

From what you've shown here, you are highly intelligent and show so much insight into yourself, and a lot of determination. It can sometimes be easy to think that we should be able to "fix" ourselves, in the past I have found it helpful to think of mental health professionals as partners in recovery, and part of a support team - so while we certainly need to do a lot of the work ourselves, a good psychologists can help us develop tools to do that, or even just give a fresh perspective on things that we haven't been able to see. 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you've had to listen to uni peers talking like that about mental health - it's disappointing, and sadly I think there is still a lot of ignorance and misplaced stigma around mental health. It's something that I really hope is starting to change  as more people open up about their own experiences - so many of us will experience mental illness in our lifetime, and hardly anyone will live a life untouched by mental health issues. So I think that seeking help is something that should be absolutely celebrated! It takes so much strength and courage, and can really transform people's lives for the better - so I'm sorry that you've come across people in your life who aren't so supportive. 

 

I'm glad to hear that some trashy TV and good housemates have helped a bit - I love a bit of trash myself! What have you been watching? 

__________

Check out our community activities calendar here
Highlighted

Re: Not sure what to do

Thanks for taking the time out to respond guys ❤ I've just been a bit overwhealmed with my uni intensive at the moment and trying to stay afloat so I haven't had the energy in me to actually reply. But your perspectives have helped so thank you ❤

 

@Eden1717 I really liked when you said how a doctor wouldn't operate on another doctors patient, it did make alot of sense. I guess I'd never really thought about the guilt getting in the way of my progress but now that you've brought it up I actually think you might be onto something. I struggle to open up in general to anyone, but I do often feel terrible for seeing my psych and not just talking to my parents about things. Like I feel really bad that my psych knows all this stuff about me but my parents don't? And since telling my parents it's only made it worse because now I don't want to see or share anything with my psych. But I also don't want to share it with them? Idk. It's weird. But thanks for pointing that out. My anxiety is definately getting me caught up at the moment! I feel like it's pretty full on and just making me paranoid about so many stupid little things but no matter how hard I try to ignore it and get on with things I can't seem too. Quite alot of it is around seeing my psych atm and like you've suggested, I have thought about writing her a letter. I was considering just writing it all out and then either dropping it at her office or making an appointment and just sitting there while she reads it (but that freaks the absolute hell out of me!!!). Plus, I am still terrified about contacting her for some reason and am yet to reply to her email because I don't know how too. I don't want to lie and say I'm okay but I also don't want her to worry about me. I just need time to try and not rely on her and teach myself that I have to do this alone. 

 

@Wathan thanks for sharing some of your experience. I know I'm not the only one that experiences anxiety, but it often feels as though I am, so thanks for reminding me I'm not! I think it's incredible that you've managed to change alot of your thinking and I really do hope I make it to that stage one day!! Also, your analogy was awesome so thank you! 😊

 

@Janine-RO you are spot on! I find it so hard to work on things and make progress because I know I have to face things from my past to move forward but I'm so scared to do that. I thought I'd overcome it already on my own by  burrying and ignoring it, but turns out it doesn't quite work that way. It's just hard that my psych doesn't know anything about my past and that I'm not entirely keen on bringing any of it up. I feel like I'm being unfair on her by not telling her everything but I just don't know how too because I'm so scared. 

 

I'm not sure why I'm so paranoid about running into my psych to be honest. It's really strange and I can't seem to understand it. When I'm at uni I seem to see that as the place I see her? Like in one way I feel safe and at ease knowing she's close by but then in another way I am so damn terrified of running into her? It doesn't make any sense to me!! Like even when I'm shopping or at work, part of me is so scared I'll see her and the other part of me really wishes I did see her? It's bizzare and weird and probably makes zero sense! Cause it doesn't make any sense to me!!! But for some reason it's constantly on my mind? 

 

Thanks heaps for making me feel less pathetic for having mental health issues. It really upsets me when people are not understanding of it because it's not something we can help. If it was something I could just fix and get rid of I'd have been cured years ago!! I also hate the stigma around it and really do hope that one day it's not seen as attention seeking or weak or whatever for having a mental illness. I'd give anything to be normal and not experience the things I do but no matter how hard I try to work it's almost like it's impossible. So when people make shitty comments about mental health it just really upsets me because it's not like I'm not trying to get better!! I just wish people could understand, or at least stop judging others for it. Like no one knows about my issues because I manage to keep them pretty well hidden, but so many dumb comments are thrown round at uni and it just upsets me. I know none of them are intended towards me directly but it's still hard not to be upset and hurt by them. Like even when people in my degree talk about what field they want to go into, it's like mental health is a massive no go and the one time I told someone I'd like to go into it their reaction was like they were trying not to judge me. So now I just tell people I want to go into peads instead. Hopefully peoples outlooks on mental health will change one day 🤞

 

As for trashy TV - we have been watching Married At First Sight 😂 So not something I'd usually watch but it's been a nice lil thing to do with my housemates before bed so I have been enjoying it! What sorts of trashy shows are you into?Any we should be adding to the list? Lol 

Highlighted

Re: Not sure what to do

@MB95  You don’t have to do everything alone, most people cannot do everything alone. Also it is ok not to share everything with your parents especially as an adult that is very normal you don’t need to feel guilty for having a private life. As for the psych I get nervous giving them letters as well but for me it is easier than speaking so it really depends how you feel about communication options. Also you do not need to worry about her feelings it is her job to manage her own self and you don’t need to be worried about you making her worry. 

 

Stigma is difficult to manage and can be very hurtful but it takes time already there is shifting going on with public perception, give it another 10 years and who knows where we will be. Slow and steady. 

Highlighted

Re: Not sure what to do

Thanks @Eden1717 ❤

Highlighted

Re: Not sure what to do

My psych emailed me again yesterday to check in cause I hadn't replied to her other one yet. I feel so stupid but my anxiety about contacting her and seeing her again is crazy for some reason. I replied this time though cause I felt bad for not getting back to the other one yet, I just needed some time. It upset me at first cause she asked if I want to take a break or see someone else (which I defs don't want) which scared me. But I understand she just wants to know what the go is. I just couldn't help but feel like she was bailing on me for some reason. She's booked me in for next Tuesday but I just feel weird about it and don't know why. I just don't know what I want right now and am so confused!! One moment I think I'm okay and can do this alone and then the next I'm an absolute mess and want to run to her!! I hate it and just wish I was more stable. But I don't know how to be. I just feel like shit and kind of like I've failed myself agreeing to go back and see her. Idk. 

Highlighted

Re: Not sure what to do

@MB95  What exactly is it that you are so concerned about with your psych? It seems to big a big cause of anxiety for you.... are your scared of failure? Or maybe you are worried if you are honest your psych will not like you or leave you? Are you scared of “doing the wrong thing”? I am just trying to understand... maybe you are scared that if you talk to her you will have to face some things you are not ready too...? Is there something that you want to tell the psych that you are scared to tell them? 

Highlighted

Re: Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95

 

That really sucks to hear that you've really been struggling with your anxiety lately, I can imagine it must be super frustrating to have to grapple with a new wave of that, after you thought you had dealt with it. But I really do want to say that you have worked really hard, and have learned a whole bunch of coping mechanisms with the help of your therapist. 

It totally makes sense that you would be feeling a little uncomfortable about the whole email interaction with your psych. Sometimes we can find ourselves putting a lot of pressure on ourselves and others when a situation has made us anxious. This can be particularly true in situations where we are worried that we may have offended someone, and are concerned that they feel slighted enough to abandon us. I do want to reassure you that this probably isn't the case (which you also mentioned in your post). Many psychology clients feel uncomfortable telling their therapist that they don't want to see them anymore, so after long periods where they haven't been able to contact a client, they do have to double check if they no longer want to attend sessions with them. It's definitely not because of her not wanting to work with you!

Highlighted

Re: Not sure what to do

Honestly @Eden1717 I think it's all of the above and more. I feel really uneasy and like a failure for needing help. I'm scared if I tell her the truth I will upset her and she'll give up on me cause I'm too much hard work and not worth listening to. I'm so scared to bring up things with her because I'm naturally a very closed off person (except for on here, although even then I'm not always completely honest and open because I'm scared someone will find out who I am). I'm terrified of letting my guard down and letting her in because I get very easily attached (I'm worried I already am) and I don't deal well when people leave me and I know she is going to leave me eventually obviously and that really upsets me because I wish she could stay in my life. I'm scared to bring up the attachment shit again incase she thinks I'm some psycho stalker person that is obsessed. And I'm really scared about some of the things we've talked about dealing with because I don't know if I'm ready or how to know if I'm ready or even if I want too. I'm scared she thinks I'm making it all up and wasting her time because I'm so good at hiding it. I do trust her and think highly of her but something just really scares me about seeing her. And sometimes there's this part of me that just gets angry and upset with her and wants to push her away completely and I don't know why. If she hadn't emailed to check on me and book me another appointment I know I wouldn't have gone back because I'm a pro at shutting people out. 

 

Thanks @Andrea-RO. I'm really trying not to read into it because I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it but part of me won't let me believe it and keeps telling me I'm pathetic and she doesn't want to see me anymore. 

Highlighted

Re: Not sure what to do

@MB95  this kind of sounds like deep down you are not very self confident and that you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be a certain way. Like you get scared that people will leave you because you don’t believe deep down that you deserve to be loved kind of thing. And then you worry about everything you do because you aren’t confident underneath so anything that goes wrong on the surface has nothing to hold it together so it really rocks you. Idk if I am making any sense and this isn’t meant to be a criticism I am just wondering if maybe this is an issue? 

Highlighted

Re: Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95 

 

Hope you don't mind if I jump in here. Just catching up on your thread and I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're experiencing anxiety around seeing your psychologist. You mentioned that you're usually a closed off person, so I think it makes sense that you'd be having these feelings, as your psych is someone you have opened up to. If you haven't done that with others (besides ReachOut of course) than the relationship would bring up some tough feelings. 

 

From what you've said she really cares for you Heart