Numb
So before i start this post, i want to apologise for not replying to messages left on my last post. i submitted it at 2am before i went to sleep and completely forgot to check it.
Anyway, i a song that i remeber from when my parents would fight and there this one part in the 2nd verse, when ever i hear it i start shaking and hyperventilating. My parents would fight violently so i think something must have happened that im trying to block out. (hard to explain) i honestly dont know how these attack things work though.
I have noticed things that for instance, i would spray in my room and find it hard to breathe, so i would check side effects(?) of inhaling it, not to be safe, but as a method of suicide. Actually suicide is something i have been rather wrapped up in the idea of, as i feel as if i am getting worse.
I also ruined my clean streak from self harm but for the first time i felt the high of it and started considering ways of turning a simple wound into a so to say.
im sorry if this isnt easy to understand im overwhelmed and i guess to an extent scared, to say the least with a lot of things at this current time.
Comments
Thankyou everyone for replying. Sorry that i didn't get back you you yesterday. i wont be able to reply for a few days as i am going on a holiday with my family -_-.
@Stealth_ninja I havent talked to anyone really, i find it hard to talk to people as im sure many do too. There have been times that i have considered suicide before but they havent been as serious i guess as they have been as of recently. Thanks again, i know that RO is to support people but even keeping this in mind i struggle to post a lot because i dont like to have to worry people or ask for help.
@OceanMaster1207 I am pretty sure that the song reminds me of some of the memories, unfortunately though, i dont really have many people to talk to. my parents havent been overly supportive of my brother when he was struggling with depression so i dont talk to them about my issues, i haves seen a GP because of social anxiety and i hate to worry my friends with this stuff because not many of them understand and the ones who do get extremely worried. I honestly don't know why im so overwhelmed, i have been like this for a while but i think its the whole thing with being fairly alright for a few days and then all of a sudden usually for no reason in particular being at rock bottom again. or atleats, thats what it feels like.
@Kit I dont mind you having to edit the post if i wrote something that goes against the community guidlines or could upset others, its understandable that you would have to edit it, you never have to apologise ^u^. I havent really made a safe plan as such, but i will often grab a notebook and write brain vomit so to say. i have been considering going to headspace or another facility like that to talk to people but i am worried my parents would find out if i mentioned self harm or suicidal thoughts. I will try to keep you all updated when i can although i will disapear for a days to see some of my extended family.
Hi Maez,
How have things been for you lately? Last time you were on the forums we were talking a lot about safety plans and what sort of supports you might reach out to. It can be really difficult to try and cope with mental health if your parents aren't too sure about how to support you.
Have you managed to speak to anyone else about what's been happening?
Hey @Maez! I hope you find a few good moments in your holiday with the family!
You have never bothered us and you never will 🙂 we love chatting to you and supporting people is what we're here for, you can always post here and we will always do our best.
Safety plans are really awesome, they are a way to see the really intense bad feelings coming, and to take steps to get through them safely. So writing things out could be a part of a safety plan, but there are a few more steps to a safety plan, like knowing what sort of things mean you might be getting to the point where you will have thoughts of hurting yourself. Anyway i could ramble on about them forever, if you want to have a chat about them let me know and we can work together to make one :).
Regarding talking to someone in an organisation like HeadSpace and them telling your parents, you can totally call them up and just ask them about that one, they will tell you when they might have to talk to your parents and when they wouldn't. Generally with health services even if you are under 16, and you say you don't want your parents to know, they still have to respect that.
Hey @Maez,
Thanks for sharing with us again. It is clear that you are going through a lot of pain and understandably you are looking for that pain to end. No one should have to be feeling the way you are but remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
It's possible your thoughts of suicide are just you looking for a solution to the pain, but there are other solutions that we can help you find. Have you ever considered creating a safe plan? Make sure that you talk to someone you trust about these thoughts and feelings. Don't keep them to yourself. And don't keep the doors open to suicide – get rid of things that might make you feel more suicidal or make it easier for you to hurt yourself.
We want you to stick around and keep talking to us. Can you let us know how you're doing?
Also, I had to edit some of the details out of your post that might be a bit triggering to others. I hope you don't mind.
Hi @Maez,
Sometimes things that loosely (or strongly) remind us of really bad times can trigger some of the feelings we felt back then. Do you think that's what might be happening when you hear that song? It's usually a good idea to talk to a mental health professional about these sorts of things so they can help you develop strategies of coping. Is there someone you can talk to?
It sounds though like things have been pretty tough for you recently and that you have had lots of thoughts about suicide and hurting yourself. What's had you feeling so overwhelmed lately?
If the suicidal thoughts start getting really bad at any given moment do you think you might be able to give lifeline a quick call up on 13 11 14?
Hey @Maez thanks for posting again! I had a look at your other post as well and it sounds like theres a lot going on which explains why you're so overwhelmed and scared. It sounds like some of the things that have happened recently have triggered some feelings or memories from the past.
You mentioned that you've had thoughts of suicide, that's really worrying. Have their been other times when you've thought of ways to die? Have you spoken to anyone about this that you trust? Maybe your friend? What about a GP?
I can see how the idea of medication and diagnosis can be really scary because you're worried you'll lose who you are but you don't have to take anything you're not comfortable with and you might find that talking to someone just about what you're going through and maybe some of these memories will help you heal. Often when we try to block things out they just end up eating us up inside and that can be even scarier.
Also when we're trying to get better it can sometimes feel like one step forward, two steps back sort of scenario but every step forward is an achievement and you've already come so far and become so much more self aware! We're all here for you through the ups and the downs!
Remember there's always Lifeline 13 11 14 and eheadspace if things get real tough!
