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Oh wowza look at all this sexuality

So, long story short, I'm at a complete loss with my sexuality. (To put it into context I'm almost 17, female).

I'm going with questioning atm, but the definitions of sexuality seem loose... but can also be rigid, if ya see what I mean. I look at women, but there seems to be a part of me that looks at women to throw people off the idea that I'm attracted to men. O.o weird, yes.
Half the time I assume asexual, bisexual or pansexual. But not really. Nothing seems to fit. I'd love to experiment more (I've never had a bf or gf) but I'm too shy to. Bad excuse, but I get nervous/anxious every time I even THINK of anything.

Can you stay questioning forever? Bit of a stupid question, and I'm meaning it in my head as "may I stay questioning forever?" Part of it's just seeing how most sexuality/gender stuff is accepted nowadays (not to the fullest extent in some cases, but mostly in the western world).... but it always seems to be bad to be in a constant state of inbetween. Like, you've gotta make up your mind by so and so age.

Does anyone have experiences about their sexuality or lack of it they're willing to share? Doesn't matter if you're in the closet, straight or utterly confused about this, that and the other thing.

Re: Oh wowza look at all this sexuality

Hey there @Pan!


First of all, questioning your sexuality is completely normal and there is certainly no time limit to making up your mind.

I think you're very brave for sharing your story on here and I hope the RO Community can help!

I think with time and age, opportunities will arise in which you can interat with people on more of a relationship level. I wouldn't stress about being shy and having no prior experience with bf or gf's. You have your whole life ahead of you!

Check out this article 'What is Sexuality?' for some info and this interesting GR we had earlier this year.



Re: Oh wowza look at all this sexuality

@Pan being unsure about your sexuality and gender is so tough. I think that a lot of people continue to question these things throughout the lifespan and it's important to remind ourselves that this is okay and pretty common.

I know I have questioned my own sexuality many times over the years and I think sexuality is something that grows with us as we age and have new experiences.

How do you think being able to put a definitive label on your sexuality might make you feel?

Re: Oh wowza look at all this sexuality

Hey @Pan, from my view point (I am female, in a same sex relationship) is that no there is never an expiration on identifying as Questioning. For example, two of my closest friends are in heterosexual relationships but continue to identify as questioning because they're attracted to all genders consistently. It's really however you feel and whatever you are comfortable with Smiley Happy Also, I don't think you're ever expected to choose one particular label, sometimes society can be a little ignorant and judgey, but just ignore 'em - they're definitely becoming the minority!


You sound really open minded about the whole experience which is so rad! What's your major concern about being in the state of "in between"? That sounds like it's an important issue for you?

I am happy to share my own experiences but there are also some great resources out there for exploring sexuality.

Look forward to hearing from you!



Re: Oh wowza look at all this sexuality

Hey @Pan and welcome to RO Smiley Happy
To answer your question, yes. There is no limit to how long you can be questioning your identity because it's your identity and something that only you can know. Being shy isn't a bad excuse, what are some small steps you could take to build up to a relationship? Do you attend any social groups where you might be able to meet someone?

I'd be happy to share my experiences with you Smiley Happy Although in my case it's more of a 'lack of' because I don't quite understand sexual attraction. I am most definitely asexual, something I first learned about from a friend and then through googling, I learned the meaning and decided that fit me because I don't feet sexually attracted to anyone.

Personally, I think sexuality is a fluid thing that can change. There's no set age where you have to be sure of your sexuality, you can be unsure for however long you like. It's how you feel that matters, not what you call yourself.

Did you check out any of the links other members have provided? Have they helped at all?

Re: Oh wowza look at all this sexuality

Fancy seeing you here @Pan Smiley Tongue


I'm firstly gonna recommend this YouTube playlist, that contains a wonderfully helpful series called the ABC's of LGBT by Ashley Mardell (who you might have heard of?) Anyways, there are some videos there on different sexualities, maybe you'll find something that resonates with you (or at least learn about a bunch of cool identities!).


Sexuality can be super fluid, but it can also just stay the same. I think it's totally okay to stay questioning for as long as you need/want to, and you don't actually have to identify as anything if you don't want to. I know that some people simply use 'queer' as an identifier, because it sort of covers everything but doesn't really put you into a box in the same way that straight or bi or ace would.


It's super tricky to work out what the hell is happening sometimes, and that's totally fine. It took me a while to settle on how I felt that I identified and how I wanted to identify (super gay Smiley Tongue). It's a process.


There's a thread on LGBT+ stuff here that you might also want to check out Smiley Very Happy


Re: Oh wowza look at all this sexuality

Hullo again, @rosieisnotaplant! Sorry - my anxiety can be 'cause of sexuality, but it's not the main thing by a long shot. Just figured a new thread would be best.

I didn't realise queer covered most stuff without doing any specific labels - that's pretty neat.
I love the idea of sexuality being fluid and changing, despite how much the dead logical and down-to-earth part of me screams NO, THAT IS BISEXUAL OR PANSEXUAL OR SHUSH.

But yeah. Maybe down-to-earth part of me is right, and maybe I'm completely misinterpreting what you're saying, but I do seem to be attracted to male/female/no one/everyone at completely separate times, for any length of time. I'll check out links.

Glad to meet someone who's asexual @N1ghtW1ng ... it seems to be forgotten a helluva lot irl (it's not even in the generalised acronym used by 99% lgbt[i]). 👍😎✊


Re: Oh wowza look at all this sexuality

Sorry @May_ and @Bree-RO I somehow managed to miss your replies :/

@May_ Idrk. I'd love to know what the hell I am, just so I can get about accepting it and telling people so they can do the same. That's prolly what worries me the most: most people will accept whatever I am, it's just... Idk. Something's making me uncomfortable about it.

@Bree-RO that's so cool you're in a same-sex relationship! I so rarely hear about women in same-sex in relationships, and there seems to be a helluva lot more hate towards lesbians in general than towards gay guys for no good reason (not that there's ever ANY call for hate towards a group like this).
I think one of the things I hate is not knowing, or not being able to go one way or the other (the latter causes a helluva lotta stress for me with relationships and onto anxiety).

Again, sorry for missing your replies. I needa pay more attention 😳

Re: Oh wowza look at all this sexuality

@Pan the amount of time I miss replies... Smiley Tongue It's totally okay! Smiley Happy
I totally understand you wanting to know what your sexuality is, so that you can share it. It can be nerve-racking sharing with other people that you've got a different sexuality to the "norm", and that's okay. Anyone who doesn't accept you isn't worth the time.

For me, finding out my sexuality was more about my lack of knowledge, I didn't know what sexual attraction felt like, which lead me to the conclusion I am asexual.

I don't know if there are any names for fluid sexualities, but maybe you can make one. Smiley Happy Your sexuality will always be your choice.

Re: Oh wowza look at all this sexuality

Hi @Pan!

Questioning or figuring out your sexuality is completely normal! We are all continuously building our identities and who we perceive ourselves to be. There's no pressure and there's as much time as you need to figure out everything. I think there's a pressure to label ourselves when in reality, it's important to do what feels right for you Smiley Very Happy