I feel like I screw up a lot by overthinking things, and when I feel like I’m being judged by a family member, I turn into a clam. I don’t say much and it annoys them. I feel insecure about my decisions all the time, am I making the right one, is that person going to be grumpy at me if I want to do it differently. I’ve been actually going out with friends and doing things for myself lately and I never used to do this. But now my mother and I don’t see eye to eye anymore, it makes daily life really awkward.
Id love to know how others cope with this and how to build self confidence?? I want to be able to speak my mind and not care what others think.... God I don’t want to be rude or selfish. Thanks.
Hey @Mara, Welcome to RO!
It sounds like you're dealing with some pretty frustrating emotions right now. It really can be so hard sometimes to speak up for what you want and what you think, and so easy to kick yourself for your choices.Do you feel judged a lot by your family for what you say?
I'm glad to hear you've been able to do things with friends and for you recently though! Does it feel like something's changed there?
My advice for building self-confidence is super cheesy (warning you in advance) but i've found it helpful to find traits/strengths/quirks that i like about myself and using them as a sort of foundation, you know? It helps make me feel good about myself as a person and nurtures my self-confidence. Also pretty helpful for combating negative thoughts too
Do you think that could be helpful for you too? I know different things work for different people though!
Thank you for responding, I’m very grateful. That does sound like some really good advice, I’ll give it a go. It’s so easy to spiral down the negative side of things and trying to believe that I can have my own opinion and voice it, is actually ok.
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Hey @Mara sounds like you've been having a pretty tough time lately
I think feeling confident in your decisions and building self-confidence in general is an ongoing journey that we can work towards. Like @ecla34 mentioned, I also find thinking about or writing down positive traits I identify with to be really helpful for this. I also make sure I'm prioritising some hobbies/activities that I enjoy doing and make me feel good about myself. This article also has some tips on building confidence if you want to check it out.
What things do you think might work for you to build your confidence up?
Thank you. I’m alright. I’m going to try and face my fears and talk, without getting emotional and or close up. Just thinking about this makes me anxious. But I need to do this. Writing things down has helped. And being more positive towards myself. xx
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Hey @Mara Thank you for checking back in.
Sounds like you've done some really great things to help you manage everything! Journalling can be very therapeutic and it makes me so happy to hear you are being kinder to yourself .
Is there anyone in particular you are going to talk with about this?
Hope to hear from you soon
I honestly don't know why I find it hard to talk to my mum. I get so anxious, right before I tell her that I'm going to be away for the weekend to see my partner who has been away for weeks. I spoke to her about it a few days before its happening, past experiences taught me not to leave it to the last minute. but because my roster had the weekend blacked out and that was from a week ago, she was super annoyed that I didn't talk to her about this back then. To be honest I don't know why either. but its not like I wasn't going to say anything. I feel to blame for this pickle I'm in. if I was just upfront about it all, this would have been a lot easier, I think. I believe she still would have been upset about something. I hate upsetting her (One big reason I don't like opening up, I just feel like what I say just gets her all upset), but I feel like everything I do I have to report to her about it. Or am I just thinking about this all wrong??! I feel a lot of guilt and feel crap about myself. I know I need to work on being more open and upfront. I struggle to find the good points about myself, I don't want sympathy. I thought id share what I have been going through lately. We had the talk today. I'm away for this weekend. Sometimes I feel like its all in my head?
I wish I knew how to get on top of this before it spirals out of control. Thanks to everyone on here for your feedback and support. xoxo
Hey @Mara despite the circumstances that brought you back to this thread, I am so happy that you have come back here to share how you are feeling again
I can understand why you feel anxious to talk to your mum, our parents raised us and did so much for us so generally we don't want to disappoint them with our choices.
It is a good thing that you have learnt from previous experience that it is better to be upfront sooner rather than later and seeing that you have been able to do that gives me certainty that eventually you will be able to learn how to manage your relationship with your mum better.
When you say your roster was blacked out, do you mean your work roster or do you have a home roster too? It sounds like your mum's frustration may stem from her concerns for you? Most of the times parents like to know their kids every move (my dad just recently got made at me for not telling him I was going to Bali and I'm 25). When you say this could have been easier if you had of been upfront about going away, what do you think you could have done better? e.g. telling her straight away, checking with her before you made the plans etc?
Mum's are tricky and we never want to upset them, but sometimes it can be hard for parents to see their kids moving on and growing up. Perhaps your mum is also struggling with the relationship because you are becoming more independent and perhaps that is why she seems upset. However, I do not think this is something to feel guilty about, you should enjoy your life and if that means a weekend away with your boyfriend then I think that is great!
There is no right or wrong way to think about this because everyone has a different relationship with their parents. However I think you should speak to your mum about this and perhaps ask her if she would have preferred you to tell her sooner etc so then you know how to actively avoid feeling guilty about these types of things.
At the end of the day, most mums will love you unconditionally but there is definitely a shift in relationship dynamics as we go from being kids/teenagers/adult relationships with them and it can be tricky to navigate. I think you are doing an amazing job just by asking for advice on this and also by having put the appropriate steps in place to try and handle the situation better (telling her sooner not later).
Let us know how you go and enjoy your weekend away!
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