Picking up the pieces and trying to move forward

[Andrea-RO]

That is exceptionally draining so I can understand why you might be feeling so stressed @Eden1717 - is there any chance you could do some passive learning to make you feel like you've done some study, I know you study languages, maybe you could watch something that's in your study language without the subtitles?

[Eden1717]

The classes I am behind on I can’t do any passive learning @Andrea-RO . 

I am still feeling really bad and scared and agitated and everything is just too much I can’t focus on my studies I can’t settle I can’t just I just can’t. I want to scream and idk there is so much going on but I can’t explain it all and idk what else to do anymore. 

[Andrea-RO]

That's super fair @Eden1717, maybe it's a good idea to focus on releasing some of the stress you're holding right now, and then come back to school stuff tomorrow. Do you think some of your classmates would be able to go over some of the stuff you've learnt in class?

[Eden1717]

@Andrea-RO  I tried to take the day off yesterday in the hopes I could study today but it didn’t work and I can’t just keep putting it off forever. I can’t ask the people in my classes for help. 

I feel really bad tonight I don’t know if I will get any sleep because it is getting to late and I just can’t seem to get myself to do what I need too and I can’t just go to sleep late because I have to be up early tomorrow so I don’t know if I can go to sleep at all but I am so agitated and then there will be nothing to break up the day and I am so so I don’t even know I just can’t settle and I am tired but not tired and I want to scream and the beings still want me gone and I am still stuck in this time loop and they keep getting into my head and whispering and I can’t I don’t know what to do anymore I am already screwing everything up again I am trying so hard but I just can’t I can’t and I just wanted a little more time but idk if they will let me they don’t want me here well they want me here just not here it is hard to explain and no one here is a real person and everything is alive but not and they are just demons that look like people and I don’t know if I can do what they are asking of me I keep trying and failing and maybe I am just not good enough but then why would they put me here of all places and ugh I just can’t I don’t know what to do anymore and there is so much going on and I can’t explain it and I am just so on edge and I don’t know how to make I can’t everything is too much. I just don’t feel good. 

[Janine-RO]

Hey @Eden1717 , 

How are you feeling this morning, did you manage to get any sleep? It sounds like things are really exhausting and stressful right now, and it must feel scary having to constantly fight those thoughts. You mentioned that you don't want to do what they are asking of you, are you able to talk about what that means here? 

Thinking of you @Eden1717 , I hope things are feeling a bit calmer for you today. 

[Eden1717]

@Janine-RO  I am not good today. 

I am so freaking tired I didn’t get any sleep last night like literally none and I finally found the energy to sit down and try and do some of my uni work but the stupid program won’t run on a tablet so I literally cannot do it because of my stupid laptop not working and I can’t get a new laptop for another month and it is too late to go to the library and I am too tired and I hate using library computers because of my ocd and I just keep crying and I haven’t managed to get any food not that I can because I don’t have any freaking money left and not that it would help because I don’t have the energy to cook anything and my apartment is a mess and I just can’t manage to clean it and I am so agitated and scared still and I keep hearing stuff and seeing stuff and there is so much going on that I can’t even explain and everything is a complete mess and it has only been one fucking week just one and I am already cracking under the pressure but I can’t afford to I don’t have other options I don’t have a rich family who can take care of me or people who can do that in the long run I don’t have another option but to be able to take care of myself but I can’t and I know I can’t no matter how hard I try and how much effort I put in I know none of my options are sustainable and I know long term this won’t work but there is nothing else I can do I don’t have any other choices it is either that or give up and I am trying not to I am but I don’t know why it has to be so hard all the time. 

[MaryRO]

Hey @Eden1717,

I'm so sorry to hear that uni has placed even more pressure upon you, on top of hearing and seeing things that frighten you so much.  I can understand that it would be scary, not being able to rely on family because of finances and have the need to fend for yourself regardless of your stressors.  This reality of needing money to survive does not make things easier.  It really is crap that things are so hard for you, so much of the time.   

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad today @Eden1717 It sounds so stressful and frustrating that you can't do your uni work because of your laptop and that it means you can't afford food There is the option of going to places which offer free food etc to people, but I'd imagine asking someone for help with food would be stressful because you don't think people are people at the moment and it would be really hard to trust that? Could your parents help you out just in the short term with money or is that not an option? I'm sorry to hear you read the hospital notes, that sounded so awful. I can understand a bit what it's like to feel misunderstood because of staying quiet Sometimes I start to question whether my experience of things is even real or if I'm lying to myself. When people say dismissive stuff about someone else's experiences it can have such a bad impact

[MB95]

I'm sorry everything is so hard for you at the moment. Have you been able to see any of your friends from uni recently? Do you think meeting up with them might help at all? 

[Eden1717]

@MaryRO @Lost_Space_Explorer5 @MB95  I don’t think meeting with my friends from uni would help and I can’t really go to anywhere that gives out free food. My parents can’t help me out with money either at the moment. I literally have just over $80 to live off per week so yeah I am living off like $11 per day (after rent and medical). Which doesn’t help with my eating issues at all. Anyway aside from me being poor at least my laptop arrived so I can now do my uni work when I am not busy crying. 

I spent spent most of yesterday crying and I still hardly slept last night and I am still really really agitated and scared and I don’t feel good and I am still scared that people aren’t people and I am still hearing things and feeling things crawl on me and seeing stuff sometimes and I am just not feeling good and I am so tired and I just everything is a huge huge mess and I want to scream and the beings are still trying to kill me or well they will be and the devil is still mad at me and the spirits still want things and idk there is just a lot going on.