Picking up the pieces and trying to move forward

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Eden1717 thanks for this update, it can be so hard when it feels like uni work is just getting on top of you and zoning out with netflix and music isn't helping. It's also so sad to hear that the mental health services in your area are not helpful and that there is bullying at the hospital, that is just so shit and really disappointing and disheartening hey

We are always here to listen and support you 

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

Oh okay, I guess having the ability to cry is good @Eden1717? hehe Idk crying isn't pleasant but feeling like you need to and not being able to sounds scary So I'm glad your ability to cry returned, in a way? Even though you sound really overwhelmed atm hm

I can relate to having to juggle uni and the mental health stuff, it's not a fun time But it's not a permanent thing, you can get through this! How much longer do you have of your degree (if that's okay to ask)? Damn your town's mental health services sound like they suck

[Eden1717]

@Hannah-RO @Lost_Space_Explorer5  yeah the mental health services are really not great i mean they arent the worst in the country but they are pretty bad. I am almost half way through my degree but that is only if i can finish this course oh oh i just remembered something i can watch on youtube that really motivates me to study after i have dinner i will watch it and hopefully i can knock out another 2 lectures tonight. 

aside from that i have been hearing thing a little more often lately and i keep thinking some non human entities are trying to kill me. 

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

ooh what's the youtube video? I love motivating videos except I kind of use them to procrastinate sometimes. But sometimes they're really helpful! I'm sorry your hearing things more- has something changed? Do you think you're getting enough sleep? Are you looking after yourself? That sounds really scary, I can't imagine what that's like for you

[Andrea-RO]

I'm glad you remembered that video @Eden1717 ! how'd you go after you watched it? 

That's really stressful that you're still hearing those voices, have you been able to talk to your psych about that?

[Eden1717]

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 @Andrea-RO  I did some reading and i am an hour into a 1 hour and 40 minute lecture but had to take a break because i just couldn't keep focused. i didnt watch the whole video cause it is super long and is a series but it is a documentary series about kids in china who are studying for the university entrance exam and it always reminds me that i am lucky i am not under that much pressure and am lucky i can study things i actually like. 

yeah i am still not hearing things as much as before but the reason i was crying yesterday was because i felt like the beings were sending me messages telling me they were going  to kill me because i didnt do what they wanted and i was really freaked out and then it happened again this morning and i am still thinking that is what they are going to do and idk it is hard to explain but it is just freaking me out a lot. i havent see any psychs since this has been happening more so i havent told anyone. 

[Bre-RO]

How are you finding it being a student again @Eden1717 ? Wow yeah being a student in China sounds like it would come with a shitload of pressure. I don't think I'd be very successful under those circumstances 

Sending you heaps of comfort for when the beings say those things to you, that would be so freaky for you Do you think you'll let the psychs know once you see them? 

[Eden1717]

@Bre-RO  thanks. and yeah it seems super stressful.

I managed to at least get all my lectures done for the week but still have all the readings and some other things to do. but I had another panic attack/freak out last night and again this morning and i am still really agitated and i dont even know what to do with myself because everything is just getting super intense and i keep pacing and like little screams just come out of my mouth and they will surprise me a little and then i keep pacing and then i will hide under a blanket or try and do some study to distract myself but if i am not doing something then things start getting bad but if i dont stop then by the end of the night my head feels like someone has shaken it up a bit and super overloaded which makes the pacing worse i was even pacing in the shower but i dont know how to stop. 

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Eden1717, great job on completing all your lectures especially given the fact that you were having trouble focusing. It really sucks that you are feeling agitated and have been freaking out lately I can only imagine how disruptive and distressing that must be. It sounds tricky to try and find a balance between keeping yourself busy and overloading yourself. Do you think your psychologist or psychiatrist will be able to help with what you are experiencing?

[Eden1717]

@Taylor-RO  i saw my psychologist she said that she wants me to be more stable before we start working on things properly and that if i stopped taking my meds i would get worse quickly. i really dont know what to do today, i feel really weird and my head is all over the place and i am getting really agitated again and i am just really confused about everything and really dont know what to think i am trying really hard but i havent been able to get any uni work done today and i still have some time but not really enough and i want to i just i dont feel right and i dont know what to do.