I really hate my life. I'm very depressed and tired of trying to meet expectations I obviously can't uphold. I'm tired of ignorance and lies. I'm tired of arguing and feeling like shit because of stupidity and lack of understanding. I hate to have to explain myself multiple times just to say the same thing. I hate that my arguments are right 90% of the time and I get the shit stick for it because I think about things the way an adult would. I'm watching all my dreams asperations and love leave me behind. I grow more and more angry more and more depressed I feel like a fire is building inside me and it's getting bigger and bigger occasionally cracking and letting through some of the horrible emotions I keep trapped. I know if I just let it break through I'll be crazy violent and unpredictable. I fear myself finally breaking under all the stresses of my daily life.i want to be alone. I want to remember what my mom looked like again. I want to be better because I'm tired of what I'm becoming and what my relationship has turned to. I can't get out of the rut I can't escape and I can't hold on either. I question my happiness everyday. I question my existence and meaning. I question my future and upbringing. Do I deserve my life.. have I done or will I do something that derives from or feeds from something terrible I've done. Is my struggle coincidental.. is my struggle predetermined.. is my struggle hereditary.. is my struggle my fault. I don't know. I just take it one day at a time. One day at a time one day at a time one day at a time one day at a time one day at a time one day at a time one day at a time one day at a time one day at a time one day.mom
I just started a fight with my girlfriend after my post from earlier. She screamed at me and called me insecure about another man on her Facebook. I messaged him and told him that "I will beat his ass if he wants to step up." Note I am a well trained boxer and street fighter with a temper and he knows it. I can't stop my depression and rages my anxiety is rushing right now and my legs are moving constantly i know the fight would be too easy and honestly i feel as if I couldn't even get satisfaction from the victory I just can't control my emotions sometimes. Writing this down is helping a little.. I know most people would say get medication but I've tried so many and had a various multitude of severe side effects like hallucination weight gain suicidal thoughts and the general depression from being reliant on a substance to stabilize your mood.. I don' know what to do
Hey there @Ticketoak1 – welcome to the ReachOut forums – really great that you found us here.
Just to let you know – we are based in Australia and some of the stuff in your post makes me think that you are based in the US so we can’t really link you to any specific services or resources. In saying that, you have found an amazing community of people who are supportive, friendly and happy to talk to you about some of the things you have been experiencing recently and share some of their experiences with you.
One more little thing, I have merged both of your posts together here to help people find them easier and offer you the best and most appropriate support. I hope you don't mind.
It was really amazing that you shared your story with us. It sounds like you are doing it really tough at the moment and the feelings of anger, stress and guilt that you have been dealing with for a while have become pretty overwhelming recently. To be in a position where these are really impacting your life and your relationships is more than anyone should have to face alone.
I hope you don’t mind me asking but are you getting support right now to help you with some of these overwhelming thoughts? I know from another one of your posts that you have had experiences seeking medical help and that these have been unsuccessful so far. I completely get how some of these experiences you have had might turn you off getting support but was wondering if you had access to any kind of support line in your area where you could talk to someone when these emotions are really overwhelming?