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Questioning sexuality while in a committed relationship

Hello lovely ReachOut people! Ive missed being on here...

 

Im having a tough time. So, my instinct was immediately to come back here and seek some support! Im also going to head over to the chat sections to say hi and catch up with everyone!

 

I have started questioning my sexuality, and it is leaving me super confused. I am in a really loving committed relationship of a few years. Lately, I havent been feeling sexually attracted to my partner. It began with just stress and other life matters. But recently Ive only been feeling attracted to people of the opposite sex to my partner. Im confused about what this means for my current relationship. I know sexuality can be fluid and changing. Im just feeling lost and uncertain about the future.

 

Ive discussed this with my partner, who is SUPER supportive and understanding. I have also talked to my psychologist about other similar things and will probably bring it up next time I go.

 

Ive already had a search through ReachOut's AWESOME resources! (and LOVING the new look!!) These ones especially helped me tonight:

The Next Step tool reminded me of QLife. I might also give them a call this weekend for a chat.

 

TL;DR: I guess Im here to see if others have been in a similar situation (in a loving, committed, respectful relationship with partner of one gender but feeling sexually attracted to the opposite gender) and if so, what has helped you with this experience?

|| Life runs in cycles, the wheel never stops turning, no matter how dark the night morning comes, no matter how cold the winter, spring comes. When you feel despair know that the wheel is turning, joy will come. ||

Re: Questioning sexuality while in a committed relationship

Hey! So I'm a queer person--I guess you would call me bi/pan, but honestly I've never had a preference for any specific label. My partner is straight and cisgender. He has always known about my sexuality from the beginning of our relationship and it's never really been an issue between us. However, for me I've always known that I've been attracted to multiple genders for years and have had time to come to terms with it. As such, I don't really discuss it with my partner except casually (e.g. oh, that girl is cute!).

 

But at the beginning it can be really confusing and strange realising this part of yourself, especially when another person is involved. In the end I think you have a lot control over what implications this has for your relationship. It is definitely possible to be in a happy, committed relationship while understanding how you are attracted to other genders besides your partner's, especially with their support! However, it also makes sense that you would want to explore this part of yourself and that might include talking about your attraction to other people and even dating them. In that case I think it would be really helpful to find some sources of support other than your partner (especially other LGBT folk!!!!) because it's likely they have been through similar experiences and that solidarity is really nice to have. If you don't know a lot of LGBT people there are blogs and support groups (especially at universities if you go to one) that can be really great resources.

 

Is there anything you feel lost or uncertain about in particular?

 

 

Re: Questioning sexuality while in a committed relationship

Hey @CICI Smiley Happy It's great that you felt comfortable enough to talk to your partner about this and that they were supportive of you! I think it is pretty normal for your attraction with a long term partner to fluctuate somewhat over time - although this can be super confusing when it is happening. It is definitely possible and okay to be in a relationship and also to be questioning your sexuality Smiley Happy

What do you think the next step for you might be now? Are you planning to call QLife soon?

Re: Questioning sexuality while in a committed relationship

Hi @ClCl!

Although I haven't personally had experience with this kind of situation I just wanted to comment on this post and say that it's really good that you are open about thinking about your sexuality and that you are taking steps to address it Smiley Happy 

I think this will be very encouraging for people in similar situations!

Re: Questioning sexuality while in a committed relationship

Hi @ClCl! I'm kinda similar, I'm a queer person but I'm mainly attracted to people who AREN"T my partner's gender, and a lot of the time I'm basically celibate (but I think that might be a medication thing) 

 

For me something that really helps, but is definitely not for everyone, is being polyamorous. We date outside our relationship. This means I can explore my sexuality and do things with other people, that he might not necessarily be able to provide. The best example of this tbh is just going on dates - I love it, he doesn't, so I just go on date with cute girls and I'm happy 

(*ˊᵕˋ)*:·゚

 

This is 100% not for everyone and comes with its own set of difficulties. I started dating my current boyfriend right after my first boyfriend, who was monogamous. In that relationship I felt really bad and not able to explore a part of me I felt was important. Like  I wanted to label myself queer but I was faking or something, because of the relationship. I felt trapped, but I didn't want to lose my partner, and this led to a lot of tension. 

 

I think another important thing is remembering relationships are more than attraction, but it sounds like you both have that figured out - he sounds really amazing and supportive.

Re: Questioning sexuality while in a committed relationship

Hey @ClCl unfortunately I don't have any advice/experience to share, but I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're able to talk to your partner about this stuff, and I hope the forums are able to help you out.

 

Also, @ivory, just wanted to say that you gave some really great suggestions Smiley Happy

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Questioning sexuality while in a committed relationship

Thank you for your thoughtful responses @DirtWitch, @May_, @missep, @ivory and @letitgo. I really appreciate it.

 

My partner identifies as gender fluid and bi so I am lucky that he is very understanding. But I can see that what I am feeling is putting a strain on our relationship and him. I do need to find support other than him.

 

@ivorymy partner would love to be polyamorous but I am really uncomfortable about it. He said I could try dating other people and explore if I wanted to. And I considered it. But I just dont know if I can deal with it. I dont know how to occupy multiple relationships and once. I want him to be my one and only, and I want to be his.

 

But these feeling are making me question if our relationship is right. I am worried its just the normal fluctuations @May_ mentioned but that Im going to do something silly and ruin things.

 

I think I am going to call QLife tonight.

|| Life runs in cycles, the wheel never stops turning, no matter how dark the night morning comes, no matter how cold the winter, spring comes. When you feel despair know that the wheel is turning, joy will come. ||

Re: Questioning sexuality while in a committed relationship

Did calling Q Life help you at all @ClCl?

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Questioning sexuality while in a committed relationship

Unfortunately @letitgo when I had time to call there was no answer  (multiple times - I was surprised it didn't have an automated music and hold music like KHL) and the chat didn't work properly on my computer.

 

I'm might try again next time I'm feel distressed about it. I'm feeling okay at the moment. I have times where it really freaks me out. Others I feel okay about it. 

|| Life runs in cycles, the wheel never stops turning, no matter how dark the night morning comes, no matter how cold the winter, spring comes. When you feel despair know that the wheel is turning, joy will come. ||

Re: Questioning sexuality while in a committed relationship

@CICIsorry to hear about Q Life not responding that is super frustrating Smiley Sad I'm not sure where you are located and I'm sure you have already seen this page but here [https://au.reachout.com/articles/lgbtqi-support-services] is a list of services state by state that you could potentially try if Q Life isn't responsive.

 

Know that you don't have to rush into any decisions if you are worried about making a wrong one - it is more than ok to take some time to think things through Smiley Happy