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Questions about sexuality....

So I have always considered myself to be straight but i also never really thought about it much. I am having trouble understanding what I do and dont like and i get this is normal and all that and i am not against any sexuality i also have just not paid much attention to it. I find when i look at other girls I think they are really pretty but not in a sexual way more like I wish i looked like that kind of way. but then when i look at guys i dont really feel anything. i am just kind of like meh like just nothing. I have never been sexually attracted to anyone in the physical sense ever but then i can form very deep emotional relationships with people or both (all but i dont know may non cis gendered people) genders. but these relationships never feel sexual they are just like family or really good friends but i would never want to kiss them or anything like that. and actually the thought of kissing someone kind of grosses me out like it just seems like people spitting into each other mouths and eeek also other types of sex do not sound appealing to me maybe a few things sound ok but most i just find gross me out. 

 

like sometimes i dont feel like trying but i am not sure i feel like in my head i could think of some things i would want to do but if i actually had to do it in real life i would hate it. I am just very confused i dont think i am sexually attracted to girls in any way but then with guys it is hard to tell because maybe i havent become close enough to ever feel something but thing i just picture like having to kiss someone and i dont know if i actually could. and then i also dont know if it is because of my OCD and germ issues. ugh this is hard. anyone feel anything similar?

Re: Questions about sexuality....

Hey @Eden1717

First of all, I want to let you know you're not alone in feeling your OCD may be complicating your feelings/ sexuality. I have had very similar experiences, although they have been somewhat different. Throughout my teen years the content of my obsessions/ intrusive thoughts centred around inappropriate intimacy/ sexual thoughts that really distressed me, and for that reason I completely repressed my sexuality. It wasn't until I sought help for my OCD that the thoughts lifted enough to make me realise that I was gay. OCD is really hard and tricky sometimes!

That being said, however, I was wondering if you've ever looked into the possibility you could be asexual/ aromantic? During my teenage years I felt lost until I found the asexual community. I was super happy and felt so validated knowing people shared similar experiences and was proud of holding the label until I came to terms with the fact that it just wasn't the 'right' label for me. Maybe you could do some research on asexuality and see if it suits your experiences? 

It is absolutely normal to be questioning your sexuality, and if it's bothering you too much I wouldn't stress too much (easier said than done!) Sexuality exists on a constantly evolving spectrum that has the potential to change over someone's life. Sometimes we don't have the labels that accurately describe our experiences, and that's totally okay! Hang in there, you're not alone! <3

 

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Re: Questions about sexuality....

Hi @Eden1717! What you're going through is totally normal. I think that sexuality isn't black or white but exists on a spectrum. You definitely aren't alone. When I was growing up, a lot of my friends would have relationships but I was never really interested in having one myself and I still don't feel any need to find a partner. There was just no attraction to anyone, and I know that the medical and psychiatric world loves to pathologise people like me, but I'm happy the way I am!

Maybe as you get older, you'll get a better understanding of what the type of person you're looking for. There are also a lot of positives that can be gained by not being in a relationship, such as having more time to focus on your hobbies and schoolwork. I have never felt like I have missed out on anything. Relationships will always be an option in life. It's never too late to be in one if you decide that's what you want to do. Additionally, not all relationships can involve sexual stuff, including romantic ones. There are lots of different types out there.

I don't think it's up to me to put a label on your sexuality. I don't really like labels myself and I think it should be up to each person to find a way of seeing themselves that feels right for them. In the past, I've felt really embarrassed when people have tried to label me, even if they meant well, so I try not to do the same to other people. But that's just me personally.

Re: Questions about sexuality....

@WheresMySquishy @Hozzles  thank you both the label is not the most important thing to me but i would like to know whats going on as it kind of has big implications for possible future partners and family I have always kind of wanted to have kids young if i was going to have them but that is a complicated issue. i just feel very confused and i get that is isnt set for some people but then i also wonder if it is me that i find disgusting and am actually just feeling like i wouldnt want anything to do with anything because i hate myself and my body so much. i really dont know i guess i am just aware of the whole body clock thing and that i dont actually have forever to work these things out. 

Re: Questions about sexuality....

Hi @Eden1717
Sexuality can be a really confusing thing, even more confusing when it can be on a spectrum rather than being black and white. What you are feeling is completely valid.
I can see that this confusion might be causing a bit of distress though, may I ask if you've spoken to a professional about this?
You are definitely not alone in feeling this way @Eden1717 please keep us updated because I hope that things get better for you Heart

Re: Questions about sexuality....

Hi @Eden1717! How are you feeling today?

I think how to proceed with future relationships might become clearer after you meet someone you like. I think these things also depend on the partner and context at the time. I hope that everything will feel natural once you're actually in a relationship and remember, there's no rush.

It makes me sad that you're not feeling confident about yourself and your body. Smiley Sad I think you're really brave to post these kinds of thoughts and reach out for support on here. That's a really good quality to have. Can you think of any other good qualities about yourself?

Re: Questions about sexuality....

@missep @WheresMySquishy  I have not spoken to a professional about this in any detail. and right now i cant think of anything good about myself. 

Re: Questions about sexuality....

Hi @Eden1717, how do you think the people you are close to would describe you?

Re: Questions about sexuality....

@WheresMySquishy  probably annoying 

Re: Questions about sexuality....

@Eden1717I'm sure they don't find you annoying deep down. Sometimes, we can be our own worst critics. Smiley Sad Can you think of anything to contradict the thought that they find you annoying?

I really hope you feel better soon Heart