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Realisation- CHILD+ADULT PROBLEMS/ TRAUMA

... In every family not everything is perfect.. I'm not blaming my mom she tried her best but I've come to a realisation.

its because of m brothers in a way.

..... My older brother ( has severe depression) my younger brother has autism and I was raised by a singular mom... every bit of emotional support went into my brothers and maybe it's selfish... but it wasn't fair.

When it came to me I wasn't ever allowedto not cope, or be sad, or break down. 

My older brother with depression is a really unkind person that constantly exhausted my mom from countless arguing that happened on a weekly basis.

I also helped with my autistic brother a lot but because of those responsibilities even now I don't really get much of a life of my own. 

...So unless I physically got sick... people didn't care... as a kid they would rope it off as no big deal. It was lonely. I wasn't a dependable or overly mature kid like people said ... nobody had the time for me and it emotionally stunted me.. I wasn't mature I was numb and desparerate to get some form of care... or understanding..I guess I'm only starting to realise this now I wasn't super intelligent, I was just a dumb lonley kid .. who didn't know better. Everyone else went before me, whenever my older brother used to make me feel like crap my mom would say try to be empathetic to him...he could say the worst crap in the world to me as a kid ( I was small and he was big and 6 years older than me ) and she would still basically be saying " Put him first, be the mature one, he was never accountable for his own actions ... while I was always pressured to be accountable for mine... get the good grades at school do well at uni, don't mess up ( because apparently I was supposed to be the normal one) ... I didn't get to just be a kid and mess up sometimes and have support I had to be the perfect one, the redeeming one to her.. I mean I had to be really sick for anyone to even pay attention to me... it was lonely...and now that I'm older I don't even know how normal relationships work I don't even know how to trust people... and intimacy scares me..

Re: Realisation- CHILD+ADULT PROBLEMS/ TRAUMA

Hey @AStudyInHuman sounds like those experiences with your two brothers have really had an impact on you. I want to say well done for doing your best in that situation, even though I know that it wasn't easy, as you've said. You've done so well and I hope you can acknowledge that.

 

Maybe we can think of one thing you could do to slowly help you overcome all these difficulties in your past. It doesn't have to be big. It could be something as simple as starting one conversation with someone every day - at uni or wherever you happen to be. What do you reckon?

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Realisation- CHILD+ADULT PROBLEMS/ TRAUMA

Hiya @AStudyInHuman,
As @letitgo said, starting a conversation with someone everyday could be a good start. Do you/did you have any friends who you talk to on a regular-ish basis? Just having someone there to talk to would be an excellent first step.

Re: Realisation- CHILD+ADULT PROBLEMS/ TRAUMA

Yeah I met him in High School we message via text from time to time.. he has mild autism so he didn't really get social cues .. which is really good cause I'm bad at them.. 

Re: Realisation- CHILD+ADULT PROBLEMS/ TRAUMA

That's brilliant, @AStudyInHuman I'm glad you have this person you can message/text. Do you think you might try contacting them a bit more regularly?

// Spiral outward, keep going. //