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Realised why I kinda don't want to post anymore

But like usual everything I do is some form of paradox so here I am posting.

 

I kinda tried telling my story, I guess it didn't fit the guidelines or something if I remember. I get why most of it was edited or removed but.... on the other side of that coin. Perps, abusers and whatever other word you can think of need help too. I still haven't really found anyone to tell my story to. I don't know if I ever will. Im getting tired of having mixed responses from different counselors about it. Some deny it, some try to change the story so I am not so upset by it. I really don't understand why.

 

Maybe I just need someone to acknowledge that it was a fucked up thing. But to still believe me. To wholly believe my version of events. I dont think anyone ever will because my actions were so deeply conflicting with my thoughts and desired self. The clash is too intense, I dont think anyone can overcome the cognitive dissonance my story entails.

 

 I'll be real, part of my diagnostic might be NPD, the jury is still out says one doctor. Other says dont use labels. Others just seem to make everything up as they go along. Im honestly tired of other people thinking they know how I can heal. I already know. I know its unachievable in this reality, how unfortunate there are no other realities. However, the NPD might just mean I have a tendency to think other people's ideas are bad. Well, for the most part they are. I'm smart. I know that because people tell me, so lets not pretend im wrong because Im diagnosable (MAYBE).

 

If you cant sense my seething rage bubbling beneath the words on this page then, well your just not that intuitive. Im tired of being a subject of debate. I'm tired of feeling lonely, I cant study anymore, I cant grow alone, online communication isnt enough. IM basically just done with my life. but leaving means leaving. Death or disappeared. Still cant seem to find an achieveable goal that will actually help me long term. Everything seems to be a band-aid. A thing to do while I rent a house with my mum and wait to die

Re: Realised why I kinda don't want to post anymore

@Stagnator I know it must have been hard to have it edited, I am so proud you sought support with a counsellor even though there's mixed signals. Definitely want to be here to support you where possible, and make sure you're safe. It's a tricky balance as we have a lot of victims on the forums, I can understand how it would've felt really heavy having your post edited. 

 

Pretty amazing you've considered NPD, most narcissist's don't go anywhere near acknowledging their traits - you sound so incredibly self aware. I am inspired by your willingness self reflect, though it sounds like you are in a lot of pain Smiley Sad .

Are you planning on ending your life? I am concerned about some of your language around death. Let me know Heart

Re: Realised why I kinda don't want to post anymore

Thats the things about Cluster B. The more you are self-aware, the more you realise how much you have been experiencing cognitive dissonance. It becomes nearly impossible to marry the desired self with the actual self. The fact that im aware of this causes a lot of debate with my counselors. IT makes me feel generally invalidated in my experience mostly because... They dont know my experience, they act like they know what ive done, what ive thought, seen etc. causing me to think there are a lot of Narcissistic psychs out there who got no idea how they seem to people like me.

I think because the standard assumption is that everyone with NPD kinda realizes early on that many of their thoughts arent whats considered 'nice' and therefore they try to repress those thoughts, therfore kind of reducing their ability to self diagnose as well as actually experience their self/NPD-symptoms honestly. And the whole cluster b thing is more like an active spectrum anyway, where you slip around from symptoms of BPD to symptoms of NPD etc.

Your concern is appreciated but Im being literal when I mean i am waiting. Thats all I am doing basically. IM remarkably calm and in control of my physical outbursts nowadays. I dont even remember the last time i impulsively SH'ed and even the last time it was even serious or drawn out. But that doesn't really mean im better. Just that i realised i may aswell stay alive for other people. they seem like they'll be dissatisfied with my death. plus they seemed to be getting sort of annoyed with my depression. No one likes to hear how I messed my life up and cant really seem to get back on track

Re: Realised why I kinda don't want to post anymore

@Stagnator Okay thanks for clarifying, so more of an existential outlook on the concept of death? You sound like you know a lot about Psych are you studying this or self-taught in the area of NPD and BPD? I am pretty impressed as to your intelligence and writing skills. If you spoke to a career coach I reckon they'd say write a novel!

I am super sorry to hear you're feeling this way, you're right cognitive dissonance is quite unsettling, it is a place I sit myself from time to time. As painful as it is, it's usually the sign of a very inquisitive mind. Regarding the counsellor/psychs, yes there are some narcisstic psych's out there. There are also some very intelligent, well-lived existential, person centered and humanistic practitioner's; have you come across a mental health professional (or similar) that has been beneficial or has made you feel some comfort with these thoughts?

Re: Realised why I kinda don't want to post anymore

Self taught.

Recently I spoke to one through uni. They pointed me to spectrum a more focussed place for people on Cluster B i think. SO when i was origninally told about spectrum 2 years ago in the short term care place they kinda discouraged me from going by saying the waiting list is really long (i realise that like thats not a huge discouragement) but to someone whos staying at a short term facility for making threats of suicide etc, it doesnt really take much to discourage. So like its the only things thats comforting me.. like next month i think they said theyll contact me

Re: Realised why I kinda don't want to post anymore

I hear you Smiley Sad Well comfort is important for sure especially with heavy thoughts like that - how do you find that particular counsellor? Would you consider seeing them regularly or no?

Self-taught, that's pretty incredible @Stagnator.

Re: Realised why I kinda don't want to post anymore

I wish someone would hire me for my critical thinking skills but wateva lol.

I mean yeah i did see them a couple times but once i got my recommendation to spectrum i stopped. I decided im not going to try re-tell my story to anyone until i get there at least. Its always just brought me more pain than solutions. On that thought i dont really see the point in continuing with a counselor who I dont plan on REALLY talking to yknow?

Re: Realised why I kinda don't want to post anymore

Yeah definitely know what you mean, keen to chat more about this - am logging off for now, but as usual please keep yarning and tagging community members if you want further support.

I will keep an eye out for Critical Thinking Specialist jobs for you in the mean time Smiley Happy 

 

@Stagnator

Re: Realised why I kinda don't want to post anymore

Appreciate it. I mean, yeah I don't really know if there is an actual job for me. Especially where critical thinking is actually appreciated. Most employers like to feel like a boss. Critical thoughts tend to break people down to a mean level, where you are only as good as your arguments. I don't think many managers like to be told what they're doing is inefficient etc, I'm thinking of past experiences when I say this, and the experiences of others. 

 

Just so no one thinks im just pulling this negatory thinking out of my ass

Re: Realised why I kinda don't want to post anymore

Hmmm...well, the way I would generally think about critical thinking is that it comes down to criticising the logic behind what people do, rather than the people themselves. Doing it effectively (read: actually making people accept your criticism) really depends on the way in which you couch your critique, to make sure people are able to know that you're just focussing on what they did, rather than who they are

 

E.g.: "Hey, could you tell me a little bit about why you did that? I've been thinking about trying it out it this way instead - what are your thoughts?", rather than "Hey, that's inefficient, you should do this instead".

 

Not that that always works either, but I think your odds of actually being listened to with the former are higher, because the questions show that you're interested in their opinion and open to a learning dialogue. You can be right with your criticism, but if you don't deliver it in an easily digestible way, a lot of people are going to dismiss what you say just because they're too pissed at you to actually look at your argument.

 

And workplaces that appreciate critical thinking might be more common than you think! A lot of it really depends on the culture of where you're working, and the personality of the managers in question - some encourage a fairly "flat" hierarchy where everyone's pretty much free to talk and provide feedback to one another. Whereas others tend to go with a much more traditional vertical hierarchic approach where it's just like "I say, you do. My word is law, etc. etc.". So a lot of it comes down to finding the workplace and manager with the right "fit" for you. Smiley Happy

 

That said, you might also want to look into "consulting" as a profession. Consultants are generally brought in externally by companies to tell their managers what they should be doing, so even though you're technically an "employee", there's a lot of opportunity for critical thinking and debate. It's actually one of the key qualities most consulting firms look for, insofar as I'm aware.

 

This got kinda crazy long, but I hope it helps! Smiley Very Happy