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Really strict parents?

I get that parents have to set rules, they have to been in control, it's much better long-term for a child than parents that don't try as hard.

I've just been wondering if my parents are a little too strict, I'm sure they mean well, I don't doubt that, but I do think they're going over the top. I guess it's been affecting my mental health, and it just adds to the overall stress already present in our home.

My Dad isn't around, and my Mum has to take sole responsibility of us. That's really tricky in itself considering there's 14 of us. That would be a struggle to anyone, I really try to put myself in my mother's shoes, and I feel guilty that I hate being controlled so much, because I do understand where she's coming from. However, I just can't handle it anymore.

I'm in Year 11, and the workload has increased significantly, nothing I can't handle, given the time and if I apply enough effort. I just have concerns that I won't be able to get my work done in time. I've got a 7pm bedtime, and computers are off a 5pm (school is out at 2:50pm), it just bugs me how literally everyone I know goes to bed at ~10, and it's a little depressing seeing your 6 year old nephew going to bed 2 hours after you.

Another thing is that my Mum yells a lot. Yes, I know that parenting can get very stressful at times, and I can admit that I've been a handful at times, but I don't think it's okay to this degree.She'll yell about the fact that we're talking to each other ~7:30pm (where it's pretty much useless to try and sleep, it's impossible), she'll yell about us walking home, she'll yell about tiny things, that didn't warrant anything like that. Even a simple "where does this go?" or a "what is this for?" earns us a "are you fuc*ing stupid?". They're not really good examples, but good enough to get my point across I guess.

She'll constantly question what I'm doing on my laptop, and get us to sit at the table where she'll watch our every move. I get that she wants us to improve, but it's almost like exam conditions, where she'll constantly tell us how much time we have left on our laptops before they go away. It's a point of pride of hers that we're not allowed to go on our computers except for schoolwork. I guess it's a little rich to call it "my" laptop, but I don't really "own" anything else, there's virtually no privacy in this house.

There's so many things that we can't do that others can. It's not fair to compare families, every family is different, but I'll do it just for the sake of my argument.It's Mum's rules or out of the house. She's made that very clear on multiple occasions. There's never been any wriggle room to try and get some relaxed rules, I constantly feel like I've done something wrong. She threatens to kick me out when I do something as menial as check my emails early before school. That's another one of her rules, no laptops on before school. She'll end up taking my laptop for a week, or more. And with COVID, all our schoolwork has been migrated to digital, no matter how much I tell her I can't just get the teacher to "print out paper copies".

It's like she severely distrusts me, which she probably does. I'll admit, I do go against her rules. I'm an excellent liar, and I constantly look for ways around her rules, loopholes and all. I don't think I would need to do any of this if she would just understand where I'm coming from. We often get into long rows about respect and rules, and it's just made me hate those two words even more than I already do. Respect is important, rules are important, but her strictness is driving me up the wall. I don't act kind on occasions, so I probably deserve the punishments.

I'm not allowed to own a phone, even though I have my own job. I've offered to pay the bills myself, (which I've always expected). She's drilled into me from a young age that she can't afford phones for all of us, which I completely understand, but even now that I can, it's a no. I've asked for some reasoning, her response is "I'm your mother, I don't have to give you a reason". Which- probably comes down to basic respect, but it still bugs the hell out of me.

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I know this is probably becoming a disjointed rant, and I haven't explained things as effectively as I ought to, if you have any further questions, just comment. This post probably sounds devoid of emotion lmao, I just don't want people to think I'm a teenager with typical complaints. I really want to change what's happening here.

And sorry about the long post.

Re: Really strict parents?

Hey @Serecck,

Things sound pretty tough at home and yes youre right its not really good to compare to other families because can end up going into a bit of a never ending spiral. But going off purely how you feel regardless of other families if you're not happy or feel like its not right then its definitely warranted talking about.

How did things go during covid and having to do classes online (if you did do this) i can imagine it would be pretty frustrating having to do like zoom or anything and sometimes they expect you to work past 5pm. Purely from a how your home life may impact your school work/life have you spoken to any teachers or maybe the school counsellor about this? If your mum wont listen to you about needing to do school work online then maybe someone from the school could write a note explaining or give her a call?

It sounds like a tough situation but from the sounds of things you seem pretty rational and fair about it all and thats really positive! I hope youre okay!

 

 

Re: Really strict parents?

Hey @Serecck, I am really sorry that you are struggling at home. It sounds really stressful and difficult to manage. I can hear that you are really trying to be empathetic and understanding towards your Mum (which says a lot about your character)... but I can also hear this experience is really challenging for you and is impacting your well-being. It sounds like you have got a lot on your plate this year, entering Year 11 is a big deal! What you are going through is important Smiley Happy

I know that living at home can be chaotic (especially with a lot of people in the house), so sometimes it is nice to catch a break if you can. Are you allowed to get out of the house much? Like going for a walk or staying with a relative/friend? Also, is school returning to face to face learning for the first semester of 2021? Or is it still online? I imagine that you have been dealing with this for a while now, so I am wondering if you have ever been able to chat to anyone at school about this? If you need some support or feel like you'd benefit from counselling, Headspace has a telephone line and also a webchat service. You also mentioned that you want to change what is happening, which is really proactive and responsible of you. Is there anything that you think you can do about this situation?

Re: Really strict parents?

Hi @Serecck Heart Sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds very tough and draining and it's incredibly mature of you to be so empathetic of your mum even when she's saying and doing some things to you she really shouldn't be, like swearing at you, calling you stupid, getting angry even when you're not doing anything particularly wrong, etc. I second what @Alexarose and @Taylor-RO have said, is there anyone at school (counsellor, psychologist) who you can talk about this with? School mental health services tend to be free and easy to access. They should be able to help you through the emotional issues you're having with your mum. The school psychologist and/or your teachers may also be able to have a chat with your mum about what the workload is like in Yr 11 and why imposing a 5pm stop-work time and a 7pm bedtime is unrealistic and harmful to your studies and overall mental health. 

 

I hope things start looking up for you. Take care Heart

 

 

Re: Really strict parents?

Hi @Serecck, that's really tough and I'm sorry for that. I had similar experience when I was living with my mother and that makes me really distressing when I stay at home, so I feel you Smiley Sad I get that what you said it influences your mental health because your mom is so strict and once you feel distressed, perhaps you can't even find an appropriate way to relax and talk with your friends immediately to release that. And perhaps your mom also had some anger control issues? and that makes you constantly feel distressed, which becomes a vicious cycle.
Would you like to talk with your mom about how you feel and why that influences your mental health? And I suggest you can a counsellor to talk about that.

Re: Really strict parents?

I'm so sorry you have to go through this @Serecck. I could only imagine how tough it must be to walk on eggshells all the time and have no privacy in the house. It's so thoughtful of you to try to understand where your mom is coming from. Do you have anywhere you can feel relaxed?

Re: Really strict parents?

Hi @Serecck, its been a while since you made the post, I just wanna pop out and check whether things are going well with you. How's your relationship with your mom? do you feel better now? Please feel free to post and ask for help if you feel bad and need help Smiley Very Happy

Re: Really strict parents?

hi @Serecck how are you going? I'm guessing you're back at school at the moment, how is that going for you? I read through your first post I don't think your post is at all devoid of emotion or is a disjointed rant, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for your mum to take care of 14 children (and I think that it's good you try to put herself in her shoes) but I also can't imagine how tough it must be for you to adhere to all her rules, that does sound like a hard environment to live in as I can imagine you are looking to have more freedom as you get older. Similar to what the others have said, is there anyone at school like a teacher you trust or a counsellor who can vouch for you and try to help you out, or another relative (outside of your immediate family) or your dad (I know you mentioned he wasn't exactly in the picture) who you can talk to or potentially stay with during school? I truly hope you're going okay Heart