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Relationships freak me out

I have to get this off my chest right now if I hope to sleep well at all tonight.

 

I was watching Friends with my new housemates (I will call them Aphrodite and Athena) of about 6 weeks.  A topic of discussion came up on the show, 'How many people have you slept with?' 

 

Aphrodite instantly turns to me and asks me that exact question.  It's fine, she's curious.  But my heart rate sky rocketed within seconds.  I froze up and asked myself, do I tell them, do I not tell them?  I blurted, 'I'd rather not discuss this.'  Whereupon Athena said, 'that's fine you don't have to.'

 

This subject gives me great anxiety.  I've never been interested in boys.  I'd call myself an exceptionally late bloomer.  I've never even had my first 'real' kiss, so when she asked me I was hesitant, because at 25 -and her assuming I was like everyone else- I didn't want to say 0 and have to explain myself.

I've wanted to talk about this with my psychologist, as it really impacts me sometimes with how I perceive myself.  But I haven't been able to do it.  I'm consumed with soooo much anxiety and my stupid ego is firing at me telling me that maybe there's something wrong with me.

Growing up my Dad was super strict.  It instilled fear in me.  I never ever, ever wanted to give him an opportunity to punish me, as I was so fearful of what he would do.  The truth is, it was a lot of 'talk', but all that verbal battering wedged itself deep inside my soul.  I have never even been drunk, this is fine and something I don't have a problem admitting, for the truth is it's something that just is.  I don't have to force it or stop myself.

I also don't like myself all that much and if I can't even love myself, how can I expect someone to love me?  There is also the notion that I don't want to have to find someone who makes me feel whole.  I want to make me feel whole and then when I'm there, if I do happen to meet someone I would like to share my life with them...but I don't want to 'need' or 'want' them because that's attachment and not real love.  I've also been burned too many times by such close friends I can't imagine what it would do to me if I was with someone and it didn't work out.

There is also the matter that when I went to a job interview when I was 20 years old.  The man who was interviewing touched me very, very inappropraitely in a number of places.  I was there for over an hour and he asked me (I complied as I was basically paralysed) to kiss him a number of times.

Argh...I dunno...anyway all of these factors have basically impacted on how I react to these sort of questions and situations.  I'm not ashamed of it, my ego is, but it's so hard for me to not fall into that trap and step back.

EDIT: I guess I could really use some advice on how I could approach this situation with my psych.  I now I could write about it, but knowing that she would read it and then want to talk about it and ask my questions makes me cringe.  I think it's also the notion that I feel like I will be judged.  Even though I never would if someone told me this exact same story.  It's hard.

Re: Relationships freak me out

Hi _sagira_

Thanks so much for sharing this with us.

Some would say the best way to approach such things is to just dive in. Most psychs are pretty good at helping you talk about this stuff in a really easy way.

It would be great to hear from others who have broached difficult-to-discuss topics with their psych to see how they handled it.

What can others share?

Re: Relationships freak me out

Hmmm...I hear you and I know it's true,but I'm also avoiding it because I hate all the emotions that it conjurs up. 

Re: Relationships freak me out

Hey sagira,

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I'm 21 this year and have never had a boyfriend. And growing up my father was also really strict and I lived with a fear that something I did would make him angry.

What the job interviewer did is classified as sexual assault- no one should have to go through that.

Though it can feel very hard to bring it up with the psychologist, it sounds like this is something important that you do need to discuss. Maybe you could print this out and give it to her as a starting point? Or just tell her that you have something you feel you need to talk about. Even though you fear being judged, psychologists have heard all sorts of things and what you wrote sounds understandable and not something that many people would judge. You can do this and you have all our support in doing so.

Take care.

Re: Relationships freak me out

Hi sagira 

 

Relationships are not easy because you invest so much of yourself in it and you are not the only one who feels anxious about relationships. 

 

I think you are really brave to come on here and share with us and I think that same courage will help you speak to a psych and the great thing is that you can recognise what you need to work on and the first thing is gain some love for yourself and that is the most important right now. 

 

Maybe you need to conjur all those emotions out and let them out so that you can get closure within you and look at it this way, you have taken a step forward, you are willing to talk about it with us and thats a first so be proud of yourself. 

 

I hope all goes well and keep us informed 

 

Take care Smiley Happy 

_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**

Re: Relationships freak me out

@Cassie
Sounds like our relationships with our father sound really similar.  I do believe that a lot of what I did or didn't do, was because of his expectations of me.

 

No the interview wasn't a sexual assault it was just inappropriate.  He let me go easily enough when I was screaming in my head, 'what the hell is going on and why am I letting this happen?'  I removed myself when I finally starting getting some sense.  He was basically feeling me up in my groin area through my clothing, shoved his hand up and down my top and unbuttoned my pants and that's pretty much as far as it went. He caught me at a vulnerable stage in my life, I was starting to come out of my depressive state of about two years and rebuild my confidence etc.  Anyway...that wasn't a fun time.

 

I know my psych won't judge me and used to work on call for sexual assault victims and has been dealing with sort of stuff for years.  But it doesn't make it any easier.  Only the people whom I am very close to know about all this.  I could print it out and give it to her, but I know I probably won't.

 

@ruenhonx

Thank you.  You're right, I guess it's pretty much the same sort of fear I had when I first started going to the psych.  I know I find it easier to write about things then talk about them sometimes.  When it's something that really bothers me I'm no where near as good at expressing it aloud.  I could always e-mail her to start off with and forewarn her that I want to bring up something new, but I don't really want to and ask her to just keep pestering me with questions to get me to talk.

 

My psych did give me an opportunity yesterday to bring something new up, but I avoided it completely and didn't get into anything new.  Perhaps if the conversation with my housemates happened the day previously I may have.  I won't see her for another two weeks, so I can mull it over.  Which probably isn't the greatest idea as I slept like crap last night.  Oh well.

Re: Relationships freak me out

HOLY CRAPOLA...okay I just e-mailed my psych! I had to do it. I'm feeling a bit on edge about it, but at least it's done now. On the road to figuring it out and making it better right?

Thanks for the support though guys. You helped me muster up the confidence to do it.
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Re: Relationships freak me out

Woohoo! That's awesome news Sagira! 

 

It might not feel like it yet, but believe me, now that you have shared it, it will be a weight off your shoulders and it will start to feel easier and easier to start to work through. I know what it is like to bottle up a secret for years and not be able to share it with anyone. I came out when I was about 23 after spending soooo long analysing what people would think of me when they knew. It ended up being a bit of an anti-climax as everyone was fine with it, and I realised that it had pretty much all been in my head. 

 

And as for lot having been with anyone - it's more common than you think. And there are as many fellas in that situation as there are girls. Maybe if you talk to your psych about it a bit, you might get to the point where you feel comfortable entertaining the idea of putting yourself out there for a kiss or two!!! :-) You never know....

Re: Relationships freak me out


@BennyW wrote:

Woohoo! That's awesome news Sagira! 

 

It might not feel like it yet, but believe me, now that you have shared it, it will be a weight off your shoulders and it will start to feel easier and easier to start to work through. I know what it is like to bottle up a secret for years and not be able to share it with anyone. I came out when I was about 23 after spending soooo long analysing what people would think of me when they knew. It ended up being a bit of an anti-climax as everyone was fine with it, and I realised that it had pretty much all been in my head. 

 

And as for lot having been with anyone - it's more common than you think. And there are as many fellas in that situation as there are girls. Maybe if you talk to your psych about it a bit, you might get to the point where you feel comfortable entertaining the idea of putting yourself out there for a kiss or two!!! :-) You never know....


At first it was hard sitting with the fact that I told her and she now knows!  I won't hear from her until Wednesday (as that's when she will be back in the clinic), but I knew this was a possibility and I am really okay with this.  No doubt when I finally get around to my next session I will be feeling quite anxious about it, but I feel like I've done the hard part...and like you said it only gets easier from here.

It's intertesting how wild our ego creates scenarios.  I'm glad it worked out for you so well.  I was actually sexually confused for a few years there.  Now I'd like to hope I will act on whatever opportunities present themselves as I see fit.

It might be common, but it's still not any easier to confess because of the way society has lead us to believe that 'everyones doing it'.  If you get what I mean.  Knowing there are others does make me feel a bit better about it.

haha...a kiss or two could be in my future.  Smiley Wink  I haven't aborted the idea.  I just don't think it's something I need to stress and think over.  The future is the future...I can't predict anything, all I know is right now. 

 
I'll be sure to comment on how the e-mail is recieved and my next session goes.

Re: Relationships freak me out

Hey Sagira 

 

Im so glad you mastered up the confidence, you put a huge smile on my face and I'm very proud of you and I hope you are proud of you too Smiley Happy 

 

_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**