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Ruining good things and wanting what is wrong.

I've never posted on anything like this and I'm not really sure what I'm expecting to come from it. But I'm going crazy in my head and I can't seem to keep anything straight anymore. 

I was in an abusive relationship for the past few years, he was violent, verbally abusive, physically abusive, emotionally manliputive and cruel. He hijacked my life and torched it, I was cut off from my family and friends. I was brainwashed into thinking that he was the only person I had in my life. He would cheat on me and blame me, he would put me down in front of others. He constantly told me that there was something very very wrong with me and that I was nothing but a piece of shit. The police have issued two restraining orders, the first I broke and the second I requested. 

Now I am seeing a sweet kind gentle guy, who treats me well and is nice to me. He tries to make me happy, he tries to make up for how I was treated in the past. He's everything I want but somehow I can't leave thoughts of my ex alone. I called him last night after one too many glasses of wine. I haven't spoken to him or heard from him in months but he is still in my head. I still hear his voice putting me down, calling me names, telling me I'm wrong. I still want him in some sick way. 

I can't seem to get my head around me being the one who is control of my life. I can't seem to make the right decisions and I'm ruining everything I have worked so hard for. Why do I still want someone who treated me so badly? Why do I still want to see him and talk to him. Why don't I feel that I deserve the good that I have gotten? Why am I folding and going back to old habits, to what broke me and made me an anxious mess.



Re: Ruining good things and wanting what is wrong.

Hey @ada-alive,


Welcome to Smiley Happy Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on abandoning an abusive relationship. It is no easy feat despite what people say. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it, you are the only person who can answer those questions that you pose. I would like to point out that it is quite natural to still be in love with your ex partner.


But don't fear, you don't have to figure it out all by yourself. I guess what I am trying to say is, have you thought about giving counselling a go? It might see daunting at first, but I have found it to be truly beneficial. They will help you work through your issues. I, myself was in an abusive relationship a few years back, but only really addressed the abuse last year. Most of it isn't really a problem for me anymore, but I do still hear his voice from time to time when I'm about to do something he displeases. Sometimes it feels liberating to do said thing anyway, other times, not so much.


I guess a good thing to remember is that there is no quick fix to your dilemma and trying to find a band-aid solution, while may work in the short term, isn't overly good in the long run. Been there, done that. 


Sorry about my ramble and hope that some of it was of use to you,



My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned and that's okay. ツ

Re: Ruining good things and wanting what is wrong.

Hey Stonepixie, 


Thanks for your response. I know what your saying, counselling just seems so invasive. I'm a bit afraid of laying it all on the table, what if it's me that's the reason all this happend? What if I'm the problem? I don't know I could handle that and I find it a very intimidating and scary thought. 

I'm living in limbo though and I need to try something different. I'm just not really sure how to start fixing me or where to go. I just wish I could forget it all ever happened and just move forward but I know it doesn't work that way. I've got so many good things going on but I can't stop focusing on the negative. I've stopped thinking of consequences and like a little kid I've just been following my every whim even when I know I shouldn't. 

Somehow I've turned into a selfish person when that was never me. I feel like I'm lost and floating and I can't make myself stay down on the ground. I'm in denial and I know it but I can't seem to change it. I just want a peaceful life without all the demons in my head. 


Thanks again for your advice 

Re: Ruining good things and wanting what is wrong.

Hey  @ada-alive first of all, good for you for getting yourself out of that situation, it sounds like it was unbelievably tough. Since you said you were in the relationship for a few years, it's understandable that you miss him, but try to remember that you deserve so much more than that.  If you're not keen about going to a counsellor, you might want to check out some of these domestic violence services - you could use a counseling line via phone rather than face-to-face counselling, which might feel less invasive. You also mentioned that you can still hear him putting you down in your head; you could try to work on building your self-confidence so that you can tune those bad things out.


Try to stay focused on the positive things in your life and moving forward. Smiley Happy  Take care and let us know how you're going!

Re: Ruining good things and wanting what is wrong.

Hi @ada-alive , first of all welcome to Reachout!


I'm sorry that you've had to go through the abuse by your ex, no one should ever have to experience that and I'm really glad the you're safe now. People underestimate exactly how much damage abuse does, having your self-worth undermined by someone for a long period of time is bound to have consequences. I think that you're being too hard on yourself in expecting to be over it at this point, learning how to be your own person outside of abuse is a long journey and you're going to need to be patient with yourself in order to heal. It might be helpful for you to check out this factsheet on self-esteem and this story about surviving abuse.


You said that counselling feels like it may be a bit too invasive at this point, but do you think that you might have an easier time with something that isn't face-to-face? Eheadspace is an online counselling service for young people, giving that a try might be a good way of getting into talking about some of this in baby steps.


I think you're incredibly brave for surviving what you've faced, I hope that you know what strength you have.


Good luck in your jouney to move forward Smiley Happy


Re: Ruining good things and wanting what is wrong.

Hey @ada-alive - i just wanted to jump in and add to what the others have said: don't be too hard on yourself for calling him. It's just a symptom of the manipulation and control you experienced for so long. Give yourself and break and be kind to yourself. You are strong, smart and powerful to have made it this far, and you are still on that journey away from his violence - and it's his emotional violence that caused the phone call.


And second, counselling doesn't have to be invasive and you don't nessecarily need to "lay it all on the table". You are in control of the process and it can be about focusing on the future - learning new coping skills, assertiveness, confidence and self esteem. It doesn't have ot be about examining your past.


The domestic violence services listed by ohheylisa are a good start - you can also webchat with a counsellor at 1800RESPECT - maybe a thats a less scary way to start?

All the best

Online Community Manager

Re: Ruining good things and wanting what is wrong.

Hi @ada-alive Welcome to ReachOut. I just want to add my voice of support. It sounds like you're feeling guilty and I want to say it's not your fault. You are not blame and you are not the problem. As @Chessca_H mentioned, abuse can have long-lasting and surprising effects. Hang in there and please do consider getting some help. You don't have to go through this alone.

Re: Ruining good things and wanting what is wrong.

hey @ada-alive 

I want to join in on saying good on you for getting out of such a bad relationship. Im sorry that you had to experience such things - no one deserves any of that! Its really great that you made it out and even though you called him the other night, that was the first time in months and that itself is something to be proud of !


If you were with him for so long and he was controlling you so intensely then its actually a great achievement that you went so long without contacting him! Its probably a bit weird doing things differently when being put down in every way possible is what you were used to for its normal to feel like you might be used to it or want it still.. its just because its familiar and sometimes, even if what we know is completely destroying, we go back to it because its not as scary as the unknown


Please dont ever be worried that you caused all of it ! It is never your fault! Even if you did things that annoyed him (like we all do to others!) , there are so many other ways that he could react and handle himself and the situation - it is him who has the problem, not you!


I agree that maybe you would find online or phone counselling easier or more beneficial to begin with as it might ease you into talking to someone about what you went through or even about where to go from here.


Hang in there! You are so strong Smiley Happy


Re: Ruining good things and wanting what is wrong.

Adding to the support guys ❤️ You're amazing for getting out of that unhealthy relationship.... AND defs don't feel guilty about calling him, we have all been there! Haha.

If counselling feels to invasive I totally recommend online services, like what has been previously mentioned. We're all here for you, keep us posted 😌