cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Re: Sadness over relationship with my parents

Hey @mspaceK, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm wondering if something has happened to make things feel off between you and your boyfriend, or is it more just a feeling? While I haven't experienced everything you're experiencing, I definitely know what it's like to feel like your mental health issues are a burden on you partner. I've been with my boyfriend for four years and the first 6 months we were together I used to call him pretty much every day in tears. It was really rough. Before we met he'd never really known anyone with anxiety or depressive symptoms before, so it's been four years of him slowly learning things by me telling him and also us living together and him just experiencing what I'm like more. Sometimes sending someone a lot of resources can be really overwhelming, especially if maybe they've come from a pretty stable home with not much contact with mental illness.

 

Don't give up on him learning, it might just be that he needs to just take his time because it's a lot to process? You've been through so much and therefore have a lot of experience and knowledge with this stuff, and your boyfriend is probably dealing with a lot of this for the first time. I'm sure he's supportive of you and wants to learn, it might just be more something that you can do gradually so he can slowly build up his knowledge base? Or just start with one thing that you'd like him to start doing to support you, while praising him for what he's already doing so his confidence is built up? How do you think you'd go with that?

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

Re: Sadness over relationship with my parents

@MisoBear What you just said makes me feel a bit better. It makes sense so I'll try not to over think it. Sometimes he is a bit blazay about things and doesn't fully understand what I'm going through and it can feel really invalidating. I'm just scared that he'll break up with me because of it Smiley Sad I know he loves me and i love him so much.  This year has been really hard and so much has happened. 

Re: Sadness over relationship with my parents

Hey @mspaceK,

 

I'm glad it made you feel better. I know we don't know each other in real life but I really like talking to you on the forums, you always have good advice for others and you're very honest about your struggles, which is brave. It can be more difficult for men to speak about mental health because of societal expectations around being 'strong' and not showing 'weakness' (in this case emotions). That might be where the blasé-ness might be coming from, maybe he feels a bit uncomfortable our out of his depth and therefore his reaction is to brush it off, even though he does care and just needs time?

 

It might be that your boyfriend is concerned for you and wants to help, but feels that there isn't anything practical that he can do right now to make things better (even though I know you've sent him info to read). Often my boyfriend will try and offer practical solutions to things, and I've had to sort of teach him how to just be like "that sucks, i'm so sorry you're going through that" and give me a hug instead of being like "Why don't you do ___?" (although sometimes practical solutions are really good too). Not sure if that's something that happens with you two, but it's pretty common. 

 

My boyfriend has slowly, slowly opened up to me about his emotions and we've been together for quite a while now. He's taught me a lot about how to regulate my emotions and to allow myself to feel like I don't have to be perfect all the time. And I've taught him a lot about how feeling things is normal, and it's okay to tell someone when you're not doing okay. I don't think he will break up with you, as you say he loves you and you love him. It can be really hard to think about someone abandoning us when we're struggling with our mental health, because they feel like our 'rock' and we don't want to lose that stability and love. I want you to know that whatever happens, you will be okay. Sending you virtual hugs.

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

Re: Sadness over relationship with my parents

Thanks @MisoBear . I think what you're saying is right and how you described what happens with your partner resonates with me. We haven't been going out for as long as you have but we've known each other for quite some time. I guess it must be hard for him to see me struggling so much and he's not sure what to say and do. 

 

I feel so disconnected to people right now. I'm trying to get more involved and included and to see that I do have a purpose. 

 

I like talking to you on the forums too! 

Re: Sadness over relationship with my parents

@mspaceK, I'm glad it resonated with you because I think it's a pretty common struggle that many people share with their partners. The longer you and your boyfriend are together, the more you'll grow to understand the way the other person thinks and their patterns of behaviour. Also I usually find that if I just say what I'm thinking to my partner and ask what he thinks about it, it can be a good jumping-off point e.g. "Hey, I noticed that you seemed a little bit overwhelmed when I sent you all that info to read. Am I on the right track with that? I just want you to know that it's okay if you don't get to it all right away, or if it's too much for right now. I just want you to know I'm thankful that you support me in your own way." If reading all that info is too much for him, you could just watch a movie or something together that encapsulates what you're going through? Sometimes when I tell my partner that I relate to something that's happening in a tv show or movie we're watching, it can be like a turning point for him and he gets it. 

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

Re: Sadness over relationship with my parents

@MisoBear He spoke to me a little earlier and said that he was sorry for the way he has been acting. He didn't know why he was but he said that he has been feeling upset and that he is scared that he will wake up and I won't be here anymore. He's scared he's going to lose me. 

 

Smiley Sad 

 

He said we're going to work together to get through this and it doesn't matter how long it will take.  And I asked him if he'll come to my therapy group next week and he said he thinks he will. 

 

He does care! I'm glad I talked to him. 

 

I asked him if he wanted to talk to anyome about what's going on and he said he doesn't feel like he needs to talk to anyone. But I know he is carrying alot on his shoulders in supporting me. 

Re: Sadness over relationship with my parents

@mspaceK  amazing! That's so great that you had a chat to him and you've found out where his head is at. It's clear he cares a lot about you. Keep communicating, even when it's tough, and you'll get through this! And remember that taking care of yourself is so important and will help things in the relationship too. 

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

Re: Sadness over relationship with my parents

okay @MisoBear . thanks. 

 

I'm still not feeling great tonight. I feel restless and on edge and unhappy Smiley Sad I'm trying to distract myself by watching a tv show and playing games on the computer. 

Highlighted

Re: Sadness over relationship with my parents

That's good @mspaceK, I'm sorry your night is going that well. Would you maybe be able to go for a walk or spend some time with someone you love? Sometimes just being out in the world, or with someone else can really help me to feel better. I'm glad you're doing some things to help distract from home you're feeling. I use the smiling mind app or take a few breaths sometimes if I'm not feeling good to try and make my mood a little bit more calm.

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

Re: Sadness over relationship with my parents

@MisoBear I did stay at the shops for a while and went to the library for a couple hours before I got home. My housemate is on her way home so still about 20 minutes. And then we'll probably play some games. I have been trying to breathe in 4 and out 4.