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Re: Shutting down

@Ben-RO I'm not entirely sure I understand why I feel reluctant to talk, even to professionals. Maybe I haven't really spoken about suicidal thoughts for so long either, it's not that I don't get them. I still get them so frequently, they just haven't been as intense as a year ago, so I'm trying to keep it together by myself. I guess I want to be self-sufficient, sometimes I need someone to talk to, but instead I shut myself from the world.
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Re: Shutting down

@Creativegirl12  So on one side of the coin there's something  or some things that make it hard to actually go get that support. Being self-sufficient and standing on your own two feet being one of them . On the other side of the coin you also feel like maybe talking would help, if you could just figure out the "shutting out from the world" reflex.

 

Do you mind me asking, does talking about it make you feel like it's more serious or a bigger deal? Does talking about it make it feel a bit more real?

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Re: Shutting down

@Ben-RO It does definitely feel more real talking about it that's why sometimes I avoid talking about it. People are happy with the progress I'm making, if I say "I have suicidal thoughts throughout the day when I'm depressed" it just sounds weird. I'm obsessed with morbid topics more so than people realise. I'm still fantasising about ways I could hurt myself. But I'm not as near to the edge I used to be. Some days I'm closer to the edge than other days. 

 

Maybe be I want to live in denial. When someone asks me how I'm doing, I'll automatically say okay, because it's easier to convince myself and others I'm okay than sit until depression goes and I swing up. 

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Re: Shutting down

@Creativegirl12 Wow, from reading through that, yeah you do have a fair bit going on.

And I know how living in denial can end up as I've experienced it, not so much personally, but with people I know and care about, so I do understand how this may be affecting you.

The thing I find with people is that yes, they do care, but a lot of the time, they do not know how to comprehend some situations themselves, so if someone they know, happens to be feeling depressed, they may go into what is much like "shock", and it may seem like they don't care, but really, they do want to help you, it's just they get a bit stuck on what they could say to you. (This, I know from personal experience with family and how I was a while ago.)

Having some people not able to comprehend certain emotions is normal, we are human after all. But to balance the world out, there are people like the community and staff on this forum for example, who do understand what may be going on, and who are able to comprehend the situations people may be going though. As @Ben-RO said, there are most definitely plenty of people here who you could talk to, and now I would gladly like to support you achieving the happiness that you deserve.

I'm always here if you ever need to chat so don't hesitate to speak,

Fearocite.
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Re: Shutting down

@Creativegirl12 Totally understand that giving an "I'm ok" reply as automatic is ok and happens so often, but I find sometimes saying "You know, I'm having a bad day" can make a bit of a difference, especially when you're having a really tough day. 

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Re: Shutting down

Hey @Creativegir12 It definitely sounds like a tough spot your in at the moment. One thing that stands out for me is that you are here and you are trying to talk about this. Which is pretty damn awesome if you ask me! Your posts remind me a bit of myself when I first started talking on the forums yonks ago. I was scared and also kinda shut myself out. The forums here helped me put words to HOW I was feeling and helped me see I was worthy of help. Smiley Happy Have you tried journalling? That helped me, maybe it might work for you, what do you think?


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: Shutting down

@ferocite @NickiPower @Bee maybe I need to try to be honest with myself, and give myself time to express how I feel. I haven't journaled for so long. Maybe I could try picking it up, even if it's not everyday. I think I've reached emotional overload, I feel numb and disconnected from life. I feel like a ghost. I don't feel alive.
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Re: Shutting down

@Creativegirl12 That sounds exhausting! Have you done any self-care recently? What is something nice you can do for yourself today? You've got this Creativegirl12 We're all here to support you Smiley Happy *hugs*


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: Shutting down

Hi @Creativegirl12, it sounds like you're going through a lot right now but I'm really glad to hear you are thinking about picking up journelling again. That sounds like an awesome way to help you work through how you're feeling at the moment. 

 

If you feel like things are too much, have you thought about making a safety plan to help you get through it safely?

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Re: Shutting down

@Bee I'm going to try to do more self-care things now. Maybe I'll start with small things. Because I've been functioning like a machine:eat, sleep, study. I'm not entirely sure how to balance life though when I'm needing 10 hours plus sleep most of the time.

@Lulu i have thought about making safety plan. I have some coping strategies to ease how I feel. It can still be hard. Today evening has been pretty rough. Been on the edge. Felt desperate. I'll try to sleep soon. And Tom is a new day. But a part of me wants to let go while the other part tells me to hold on