Slowly going insane -bear with me
im not sure if this is actualy even just one issue rather a whole lot of issue's stacked up in one so bear with me for a moment hmm im not sure if this is correct but it may be just the ramblings of a lunatic probably but please take the time to listen...mind the grammar and focus on the message pretty please with a cherry on top..
Things have been rough recently oh who am i kidding they have been rough my entire life....it starts with a series of events
1. my father left when i was seven he used me like a pawn on a chest board where both my mother and father could spy on eachover both fighting for custody he even threatened to kill us (ive been threatened by death so many times now im immune to the shock of it) (my age is currently 15)
2 in the end my father abandoned me and forgot my existance and left me with my mother older brother younger brother and sister.
3. older brother was very abusive and controling i didnt even have the right to close my door, he hit me constantly he suffer's severe depression
4. i was bullied at school constantly i considered one day in the kitchen holding a knife to my chest and impaling myself to let the pain stop from year 4 to year 7
5. in the begining i told my mother what was happening we went through the whole bullying thing with the school....it kept happening ahe wasnt well enough to do anything suffering from the break up of her marriage she was depressed and aneroxic and would break down constantly in tears.
6. my older brother pissed off and my older sister was to immature to do anything so i sat their and held my crying mother each night... alone....afterwards id sit in my room and cry for hours in solitude hating my father was the only thing to keep me strong enough to survive that happened for hmm about from the time i was seven until the age of 15 turning 16.
7.i was thought of as a freak in my school and was avoided and alone most of the time...i never really got to experience emotions like grief much i sucked it up got on with my life and helped my mother out as much as possible...no one really took into consideration how i was feeling so i blocked everyone out and didnt allow myself to be sad anymore..
8.i looked after both my older sister and autistic younger brother i never let the emotions reach me eventualy i started to loose who i am id smile and fake laugh and do everything i was fucking told like a dog i worked hard at school i got good grades i did everything possible.
9. none of the grades mean anything now....my psycho older brother was kicked out and now hes back in the house mother even let him move back in.
i cant handle it anymore i cant handle it anymore anymore anymore...
id sit up in my room clutching my kness why my psycho brother and aneroxic mother fight it out whilte he threatened to break our necks (thats my psycotic brother)-.
10...and now i think im finaly going insane.......losing it ever so slightly its gnawing at my sanity ...i cant deal with it anymore.
im already broken into a million pieces and yet everyone still wants one more piece..one piece and i cant afford to give anymore ive already given everything i have...maybe id be nice to loose it......maybe than everyone would stop......
Ive stopped feeling ive pretended for so long i dont even know who i am anymore ive been wearing a mask of perfection for so long...ive felt empty for some time now devoid of any emotions ive become indiffrent to whatever happens in my life...maybe madness is indiffrence ...so im starting to think maybe i should just let it go let the insanity take the last piece of me than maybe i can find peace........id always thought the ocean's beautyfull maybe thats where i should end it...than maybe than i would feel something...fear maybe? or maybe happiness that its all finaly over.....
Re: Slowly going insane -bear with me
Severe depression can be hard to handle. Your brother may benefit from psychological help. I suggest you immediately talk to someone about it to prevent if from becoming even more dangerous.
It is not healthy to supress emotions. Sometimes we don't know how to deal with our turmoils, our anguish. We pretend. We hide. No matter how hard you try. Emotions have to surface. I suggest you find healthy techniques to express yourself such as writing, music, drawing etc.
Don't block out people. Try to maintain a healthy social life. Loneliness can worsen the pain. Look within yourself. Analyse your positive qualities. Stand in the mirror everyday, and remind yourself of your strengths. I hope you will see the beauty, the strength that lies within you.
Hope everything gets better. Keep holding on.
Re: Slowly going insane -bear with me
You are going through so much and at such a young age it just seems like you are carrying a heavy load on your shoulders and I cant even imagine what you are going through. You sound like such a strong person and that is amazing to see. You care for everyone else and support everyone else but you are not taking care of yourself and that should be priority. Here is a forum on self care it might help you to just start thinking of yourself a bit more.
It sounds like the marriage break up has affected you all and It is so scary to hear that your older brother is so abusive to you and the rest of your family. You are seriously strong for having to deal with that but it is not right to be getting treated this way. Does anyone in your life know what you are going through?
We are all here to listen and support you and we want the best for you and you do deserve the best. Speaking to someone professional is a good idea but if you are a bit hesitant on getting face-to-face help maybe online or phone counselling will be a good step for you. Kids Helpline is on 1800 55 1800 or online and Lifeline is also helpful on 13 11 14 or online
Are you able to sit down and talk with your family or write a letter to them about what you are going through and how you feel?
Take care and let us know how you go.
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**
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