I am angry about a lot of things but I have improved my ability to stay under control with a lot of personal effort, medication and therapy. But the woman I have loved and been together with since we were both teenagers hasn't moved forwards and is unable to see or accept that her BPD symptoms cause me so much pain and distress. To her I am the source of all her negative emotions. Our psychiatrist says that this is because she is unable to tell the difference between her internal feelings and the feelings she has from external interactions.
I am exhausted at trying to walk the tightrope between being her carer (she has CFS as well), setting healthy boundaries and caring for someone I love who is in so much pain that she lashes out verbally and emotionally manipulates in ways that I find incredibly hurtful and damaging.
I want her to see things from my perspective and understand that I'm not just waiting during every good time for the ideal opportunity to "stab her in the back" emotionally.
When I do get frustrated and angry with her for thinking irrational things about my intentions (like thinking that because I change my mind during the course of a conversation (because I mistook her questions testing if I was telling the truth/sticking to my word as encouragement) I have "betrayed" her, "deceived" her and I cant be trusted. And the worst thing is that even when I explain for hours that I had no intention of deceiving her or tricking her or betraying her... She still believes her original feelings about what happens. And these warped perceptions are then used to justify why she won't trust or open up to me and why she is always expecting me to attack her emotionally or betray her in the worst way possible. The longer we get along for the more sure she becomes that I am about to "stab her in the back" again. So she brings up past events where she percieved I betrayed her and wants me to apologise to her over and over but somehow she never feels like I have heard her or taken her seriously. After doing this for hours I will lose my temper (recent record is 14 hours of her not letting me stop trying to make her feel better) and then I have fulfilled her expectation of hurting and betraying her. And the cycle repeats. I am emotionally drained, physically exhausted and as much as I love her she treats me like I am her worst enemy. I dont know if Im a good enough man to help her to get through her denial and try to face her inner fears and pain to find herself. But I keep trying. And hoping that it will get better in time. The tiniest hope or sign of improvement I hold close to my heart. To try to help it heal a little.
Just called her to tell her I will be a bit later than planned. Managed to offend her and will "have to talk about it in person" once I get home. All because I said that she doesnt need to check on me all the time because I am ok most of the time (she likes to know where I am at all times which I find controlling but our psych says is necessary for helping to control her extreme anxieties).
If I am 10 minutes delayed on a bus she will call me to make sure I havent fallen asleep or something. So tired of walking on eggshells with the person who I know cares for me somewhere inside but is unable to show it because I am completely untrustworthy and will inevitably betray her. Me posting here is a betrayal in her eyes I am certain. So I am forced to keep secrets in order to express my feelings to an audience who hopefully wont take it as a personal attack on them. 😀 Fun Times
Hey @Arrow sounds like things between you and your significant other are quite tough at the moment. If the RO community is the audience you're referring to, please know you can post as much/as often as you want or need to - we're just glad we can be a safe place for you to be able to do that.
I can see how someone needing to know where you are all the time could feel suffocating, especially on top of you being a carer.
I'm just wondering what kinds of things you do/could do to take care of yourself in this situation? Some self-care might be helpful for you in dealing with everything going on, do you think?