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So much is going on, help! :(

Hi guys,

Sorry for another post you're probably sick of me by now, so sorry.

Anyway, so I have to go and see the school counsellor tomorrow, let's call her J. So I really am scared of seeing J, I know I need the help from a counsellor but I'm just afraid and nervous. Today I nearly vomited because I felt so sick when she emailed me to confirm a session time. I'm petrified!

I'm scared because I don't want my parents to find out and I don't know how much I can open up to J. If I don't open up..well I'll feel stupid because I'm the one who requested the session.

I'm also really anxious that J will think my problems aren't big enough and she will think I was silly for wasting her time.

I also really want to self harm tonight and I think I'm going to be breaking my 150 day clean period. I'm sorry I just can't do it anymore, and I need to go back to this. I will regret it and feel like a huge failure but it's one of the only things that keep me sane.

Also, one last thing; I'm really scared of telling J how I actually feel. I feel suicidal again like I did last year and I know she will tell my parents if she finds out. I'm scared to let my real emotions show..what do I do? D:

Re: So much is going on, help! :(

Hang in there @Pillow - 150 days is a huge accomplishment and I know you can keep going and make it to 200! Use some of the destraction techniques that have worked for you in the past or get onto the web chat with Kids Helpline.

 

The first time seeing a new counsellor is nerve-wracking for everybody. If you are worried about the things she might tell your parents, make sure the first thing you talk to her about is confidentiality and which information she would pass on. It's important that you feel comfortable and trust that what you say won't leave the room, or it will be hard to be completely honest. It's fantastic that you recongise that you need help and have set up this appointment, despite feeling nervous about it. You've been really open to trying new ways to get help, and you should be proud of that achievment!

Re: So much is going on, help! :(

Hey @Pillow

How are you going tonight?

Is it possible to talk to someone tonight, one of the helplines Kidshelpline 1800 55 1800 or Lifeline 13 11 14, just to talk if it gets a bit too much? Headspace has an online chat till 1am Sydney time if you need it.

Pillow, I'm glad that J has gotten back to you. I read in your other post you were feeling anxious about it. I reckon you're strong and brave to speak to someone about how you're feeling. It's normal to feel nervous about seeing a new counsellor and it shows how much you care and how much you want to get better.

I read in your other post that you had previous contact with some counsellors online. Is it possible to use that support network again? Would you feel comfortable talking to them about your suicidal thoughts?

You are a strong person. i hope you know that.

*big hugs! (if you're totally cool with it)*

Re: So much is going on, help! :(

Hey @Pillow
Glad J emailed you back, its normal to be scared and just be honest with J that you feel this way and want to ensure that everything you say is in a safe place and is confidential. Be as honest as you can be and dont stress about one session because you can request more if this one doesnt go the way you want it to go.

150days is amazing, and you are so strong and you are not a huge failure because you are doing this for your well being and you are doing your best and that is all that you can ask for.
You are having some conflicting feels, maybe you can call Lifeline or Kids Helpline just to make a safety plan even if its just for tonight.

Take it one session at a time and show your real emotions, that is the only way you will also get something out of it. Ask J about confidentiality, have you told your parents about what you are going through before?
_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**

Re: So much is going on, help! :(

I am proud of you for doing things that are good for you like reaching out to a counselor and writing on this forum. Your feelings are always worth dealing with. That is what you are feeling and I commend you for learning how to deal with them. I was not taught how to deal with verbal abuse when I was young. I wish I knew to ask for help. I also understand your desire to harm yourself. I too chose that as a means to deal with my pain that I did not understand why I had it and how to process it and how to have boundaries and learn to address my feelings not other people's feelings. You are doing great things for yourself!