Re: So so sad
I also want to add that when the big wave of unworthiness is washing over us, it's very difficult to see our own value. At those times it's hard to see how much we add to other people's lives and it's also hard because we don't often hear from other people how much we mean to them. You are so very valued and just from your posts on RO it's quite obvious to me you are a smart, caring, insightful, perceptive individual and that you do mean a lot to those around you even if it's not feeling that way right now.
Re: So so sad
Thanks @Mona-RO. I'm okay, I'm safe. I'm not going to kill myself until I know that my friend is safe and is living in a safe place, which she's not at the moment.
Some people stopped and tried to help, and I appreciate that so much. But the thing was, I wasn't even the only person obviously struggling on that train station! There was a woman pan handling and a elderly man with no shoes wrapped up in a blanket huddled in one corner. Were we invisible? Doesn't anybody care? So many people looked at us, saw us, even made eye contact, and then just kept walking. It seriously made me question whether my surroundings were real or just like a hologram that I'd made up.
Yeah I mean they were trying to be kind and that's nice, but it's making me feel really sick and upset now. What if God was trying to send me a message through them? What will he do to me if I don't follow it?
You're right, I am afraid about that, I'm scared that I'm not good enough or I don't mean enough to be spoken to. I'm scared that the same thing that's happened to me ever since I was really really little is going to happen again, which is when people don't accept my help or won't let me in and then abandon me on the grounds that I wasn't there for them when they were struggling. If that makes any sense. And I love her so so so much and I'm trying so hard to trust her and give her space, I called her last night and I messaged her this morning so now I'm trying just to let her do what she needs to do and be grateful if she has other close friends who she's talking to right now but god I'm scared that something really terrible has happened to her and I'm scared that she's leaving.
That's really kind of you to say about me, but I disagree. I don't think I have contributed anything of value to the world. I'm dumb, as has been proven to me over and over.
Re: So so sad
@DruidChild yes it's really unfortunate that so much suffering happens in our world and it can seem like people are immune to it. Some people just don't have the skills or emotional capacity to deal with other people's pain. At the same time, there are people and organisations doing their best to help as well.
Try not to worry about whether the praying was a message from God. From what I believe about God/higher power, any message should feel truly supportive and respectful and fully accepting of who you are. From what you described, it just seemed like an intrusive way to try and help you.
You are going through a lot of difficult feelings and thoughts right now. The fear and possibility of an early life bad experience repeating itself is very painful *hugs* It's great you've given your friend some space. In the meantime, what will help you most? Are there any strategies that you find particularly helpful?
Re: So so sad
That sounds reasonable. You are so self-aware to acknowledge that now might not be the best time to accept work. DO you have anyone in your corner to help support you if you do get the job?
I'm sorry to hear you've been really struggling. What would be most beneficial / helpful for you right now?
Remember you're amazing just as you are
Re: So so sad
Sorry for not being around guys - I didn't have internet for a bit. Thank you for your replies.
@Bee I got offered the job and I accepted...it seems a bit less scary now that I've spoken to some actual people on the phone. They're also quite understaffed and were really grateful that I could start immediately so I think that will give me a bit of leeway if I need to take time off for health stuff.
I'm still not doing great. I feel okay I guess but whenever I talk to anyone they end up very concerned about me so idk. I saw my psychiatrist a few days ago and he's 'concerned' as well apparently. This afternoon was bad, I felt so abandoned and I just cried and cried. But I'm okay now I suppose, just anxious and exhausted.
Re: So so sad
@Bee I started the job on Monday and it was a disaster start to finish I'm afraid. They got us to start work before we'd received letters of offer, uniforms, or done any paperwork. We weren't even on the payroll yet. On Tuesday I was meant to work but I didn't because a friend was having a crisis; I called work and everything, even offered to do a 12 hour shift the next day to make up the hours, but it still didn't go down very well. On Wednesday everything seemed okay until I realised I was rostered on for 6am the next morning. I was too scared of getting in trouble not to accept the shift. Anyway going home that night (I finished at 8pm) I got really, really scared of getting to work by 6 - partly because I rely on public transport so I'd have had to leave the house at 4am. And partly because I was staying the night with a friend and I didn't want to wake her accidentally at 4am by leaving for work. I freak out about being late and I was fully aware that if for example the bus was late and it meant I was late, I would probably hurt myself really badly instead of going in late. So I figured that I'd call my supervisor, she'd have her phone off because it was out of work hours, and I'd leave a voicemail saying that due to bus scheduling I couldn't start my shift until 8am. I was full on panicking so I spoke to Lifeline and even ran the idea past the counsellor and he said it was a good idea. So I called my supervisor - but she answered!!! And she was so annoyed at me for calling her after hours. I tried to explain that I'd thought this was her work phone and it would be off but she went into a rant about how having casual workers was so much work and how she needed time off as well. I tried to explain that I needed to change my shift for Thursday but she just got even more annoyed, telling me how as a casual worker I HAD to take the shifts I was given, nobody would employ me if I was picky, etc. She told me off because she said she could bear other people telling me what to say and she didn't like that, even though the background noise was just because I was on a train and I tried to tell her that. I was crying by the time she told me we'd talk about it when I came into work tomorrow, then hung up. Just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing on this train. I called the supervisor's boss the next morning and quit. I just couldn't face going back in. I thought I was going to throw up at the thought of seeing g my supervisor again or even walking into the workplace, and I wasn't sure if I could stay safe the next day at work anyway.
So I'm out of a job again.
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