Something doesn't really feel right (possible tw)
I get upset trying to write this stuff down, so I guess I'll just put down bullet points. I'm a 16-year-old girl, so I feel like this is probably normal for hormonal girls who are PMSing, but I'm not so idk. Everyone thinks I'm a freak so I feel like this isn't normal, but I'd appreciate another opinion.
- I say "sorry" too much. I get told off for doing it so then I have to think of roundabout ways to apologise.
- I don't do physical contact- no hugs (except from my closest friend who I see a few times a year), no kisses. I feel sick and terrified and even when I want the contact (when it's the friend) I have to fight the urge to shove them off me and run away. Thankfully, my family mostly doesn't try to touch me.
- I hate my voice. It's so quiet no one ever hears me the first time I say something, and I don't know how to make it louder. Straight up can't yell. I got trapped in a room the other day and had to throw stuff at the walls.
- Loud noises scare me- fireworks, loud music that's not coming from my earphones, slightly raised voices, lawn mowers, clattering plates. You name it, it probably freaks me out. Sucks because I used to like fireworks. (When I say "scare", I mean "makes me teary/shaky/dizzy/snappish".)
- People scare me. Crowds are hellish, but shopping centres are worse because I have to deal with them more often. (As in, crowds are an annual thing and shopping centres maybe once a month.)
- I cry a LOT. I tear up at the slightest little thing (excluding physical pain), even when people aren't angry at me. I cry when nothing's wrong. I cry in my sleep and wake up with my pillow and hair all gross. My nose and eyes go red instantly so I can't fake calm. This should probably be at the top since it's a massive problem, but eh.
- Food problems: I get really hungry sometimes, but most of the time I can go all day without eating. I have problems with fructose (if I eat too much fruit/veg without pouring carbs down my throat I get sick) and I get sick after every meal. Even after the ones that are supposed to be safe. Think it might be a stress thing.
- Following on from that, I get headaches a lot and while I try to wash my hair regularly it's been getting dandruffy. I read online that that could also be from stress.
- I study my ass off, I learn the material, but during online (not written) tests I blank out, start crying and shaking and thinking "no no no no no" and end up selecting every wrong answer or skipping questions so that I just get marked 0. The only reason I haven't been held back is that I'm smart and the teacher knows it. (No, seriously, my mum doesn't know many of the maths concepts and asks me to explain them to her. I thought she was faking it, but she screws up the same way my friends do. I help(ed) them too when they ask(ed)).
- My friends don't like me any more. The first friend I made on my own straight-up died. (Seizure.) My oldest (ex, I guess) friend is suicidal; she went nuts a while back and started emotionally abusing people and ghosting me. I don't talk to her any more. My closest friend tricked me into seeing her a few months ago and the nutcase was really upset and didn't want to "lose me", so I just placated her and then let her continue ignoring me. My closest friend is also suicidal, self-harms, has some sort of eating disorder (it sounds like bulimia...?) and gets verbally abused by her parents. She only texts me to vent. I can't handle being under that amount of stress and have told her that she really needs to talk to a therapist or at the very least a doctor, but she said something like you're the only one who takes it seriously and told me her parents won't let her see a therapist any more. They also won't let her see a doctor. She's very important to me, so I let her vent and try to be supportive. I know from experience that venting will set her off so I just sorta shove down any bad feelings I have. I just... she forgot my birthday. She doesn't want to go anywhere. She doesn't seem to care about things I like that she's unfamiliar with. I don't get it. I just want to be helpful.
- I also have some online gaming friends and run a blog with a small group, and wouldn't you know it, they all vent to me too. It's ridiculous, I'm the least helpful and healthy person but they all picked me. But since, y'know, since I'd prefer not to turn someone down and have them off themselves, I let them talk. Positivity, and all that.
- I'm super tired all the time. I've taken to resting during my hour off work instead of reading or gaming. (Lying down on my bed, putting a pillow over my face to block the light and staring at the wall/closing my eyes.) I can't sleep well, I usually hop into bed at 11 and lie awake past 1. When I do manage to drift off, I either have nightmares and wake up in the morning crying or have no dreams at all and feel sick. I feel like death when I have to get up at 7:30.
- I zone out a lot and lose anywhere from thirty minutes to three hours.
- I forget things instantly. I say things two, three times and then get weird looks. Sometimes I get a feeling of deja vu and have to ask if I just said something twice, and when I haven't I get weird looks. My mum will tell me to go clean something and I'll get five steps away before I forget what it was, ten steps before I forget that she wanted something from me.
- I can't talk about this to my parents or ask for help- I start crying just thinking about it and when the waterworks start up my voice completely dies. They hate "machines" so I can't even text them.
- I self-harm. I threw out all my really good stuff in February, but I sort of do it when I get bored and I'm not too tired so I guess I'll put it down too. It feels nice (you know that feeling you got when you ripped your teeth out as a kid? The sort of mouth-watering pain? It's like that) and makes me feel pretty. I know it's gross but it is what it is. It's not visible so I'm not bothering anyone else. Not gonna stop any time soon because I'm using a sentimental object that I refuse to throw out. It's very infrequent, though, so don't worry. I haven't done it in weeks.
- I got into a new series of books/a new comic series and bought a couple of video games I'd been saving for for over a year. I'm really enjoying them! This is the first time I've been allowed to buy myself something entertaining, so I'm pleased. But it hasn't helped with this at all. I care about the characters and all, but... I just can't block the other stuff out.
- I used to go to a therapist, but I lied to her and told her I was okay until I was allowed to stop going. I was getting physically sick before sessions and didn't trust her not to tell my parents everything I said. (I know she wasn't allowed to do that, but I am not a rational person when I'm upset.) Plus I hated going home with red eyes/nose and feeling my family's stares on my back.
I don't know, it feels like something's off. I was planning to self-harm badly and get stuck in a hospital if it got too bad because I can't ask for help and my parents don't want to be asked. I hate this. Ugh, my head hurts, so I'm gonna stop and try to motivate myself to shower.
Re: Something doesn't really feel right
Hey @jblu thanks heaps for sharing what's happening for you. It seems like there's a bunch of stressful stuff coming from all angles; friends are hitting you up for help when you're feeling like you need it yourself, exams, noises, food, everything! Gah! I think it's actually awesome that you're working so hard to keep things stable because that's a lot to handle you come across to me as someone with a bunch of strength and resilience- and a lot of stuff that's testing this at the moment.
I think it was also really courageous of you to talk to a therapist about this, it's okay to feel pretty worried about opening up and most people feel that way, especially when a lot of intense feelings come out.
It sounds like self-harm is something that you're using to manage some of this stress, by producing a feeling or sensation that pushes back on others. Is that about right? Or am i way off?
Are there other things that you do to work through the stress? How do you give your brain a break?
Oh and just a heads up, it's no biggy but we don't talk about specific methods of harm here, we just say "self harm" or something like that. This is because of some guidelines we wrote together that you can take a gander at here. Long story short, a lot of people here are in recovery from self harming and it can bring back some pretty strong urges.
Re: Something doesn't really feel right
Oops, sorry- forgot to check the rules before I posted.
I don't know if I'd call myself resilient... My parents tell me to be less lazy and more resilient. I overreact a lot, so I feel like I'm blowing tiny things way out of proportion here. If I am please don't humour me, it won't help.
I don't know about using self-harm to manage stress, either. I just do it when I'm bored out of my mind. I don't let myself do it when I'm upset and irrational, that's usually not the best idea.
I don't really give my brain a break? Unless you count sleeping, I guess. If I get overwhelmed I just drink water until I calm down. I don't really have the time to take breaks; I get half an hour (stretch it out to an hour though) per day to stop doing schoolwork and 'relax'. So I either spend that time answering messages and catching up on things that pile up, reading/gaming or staring at the wall.
Re: Something doesn't really feel right
Resilience isn't always a clear idea, someone can be resilient just by getting up out of bed. It's okay to overreact too, things affect people differently and this is a space where you can talk about those things, no matter how tiny they may seem.
Like @Ben-RO said, it is great that you went to see a therapist, do you think that's something you could try again? Whether in person or through an online service such as Kidshelpline or Lifeline?
Taking half an hour to an hour to stop doing school work to read or game or even stare at the wall is a great start to giving yourself a break. It can be really hard to allow ourselves the time to stop and switch off.
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