Something in the way
Hi reach out,
While I am in no immediate crisis or need for validation, I felt like writing my thoughts on something maybe someone else may be able to relate to.
I'm currently 21 and have lead what I'd consider my ideal life for the most part. Other then the occasional bad relationship things have been pretty swell. And if not, they were usually by my hand anyway.
But lately what I've come to feel is that even though I am living my life how I want it to be lived, it is lacking some sort of fulfillment. Usually I just ignore this and carry on doing what I enjoy doing. Working out, studying for school, entertaining all creative thoughts I have and venture every outlet I can think of for developing the strongest version of myself.
Though always lingering I feel there is something in the way. Something that I have no idea how to express or understand, but feels is there.
Despite my growth and accomplishments, I lack some sort of gratification from any of these things when I try to understand what this feeling in the way is.
While I can accept that there is no-one who will think the same way I do, I just find it confusing that no-one seems to even remotely relate to what I feel or think about in the same context that I do.
I've explored every memory I can think of, every idea that could cause this dissonance but whatever it is, it seems to effect my involvement with the world.
So, I'm just curious if anyone else feels this sort of unknown thing in the corner.
Re: Something in the way
Hey there, I'm not entirely familiar with all of your personal circumstances, so I guess the only thing I can share is what I've come across in my own life, and I hope some of it might resonate with you. I might be completely off the mark here but hopefully I can give you some ideas...
For me personally, I'm someone who places a great deal of emphasis on the value of love and serving in my life, so I've found that I'll always feel sort of empty if I don't have people in my life to love and serve. Sometimes people find that participating in things that are for a greater cause, or for something other than themself can give them more of a sense of purpose and direction, so perhaps you'd like to have a go at some activities such as volunteering, or fundraising for a cause.
If you don't mind me asking, are you religious in any way? I just get the feeling that some of what you've said rings true with some Christian ideas. I've got a lot of Christian and religious friends who say that they were always lacking fulfillment and gratification before they found their religion. So, like I said before, I could be completely off the mark, but perhaps that's something you could look into.
Hope that helps a little.
Re: Something in the way
Do you have any thoughts on what it could be? If over night something changed and you were suddenly feeling fulfilled, life was exactly what you wanted, what is that would be different?
You mentioned how you're striving to develop the strongest version of yourself, I do a similar thing and for me it's because there are things about myself I'm just not happy with, could it be the same for you? Perhaps you're just not quite content with yourself.
If thats not it, do you understand why you want to develop the strongest version of yourself? And what will qualify for you for the strongest version?
Is this something you've only recently been feeling or can you remember a time when you felt fulfilled? Can you identify anything that has changed since then?
Re: Something in the way
I am not religious, but I do have my convictions grounded in the same principles from most religious teachings. I just don't attribute them to an entity, I refer to it as more of a collective concious within an individual.
Regarding your point on love and serving. While I have never taken much gratification in helping others, I am a big proponent of helping people help themselves. So along the same lines I would consider myself to be lacking a respect from people I know. That is the only missing part that I can think of that I place so much emphasis on.
I have never felt fulfilled however I have always demanded respect from others in my life. My reasoning to develop the strongest version of myself is due to no inadequate feelings about myself, it's simply aiming to be congruent with how I feel. Strong personality > strong physique. Empathic nature> empathic profession.
In considering your visual/narrative principle of my ideal life and how that contrasts to my current life, the only difference I can see would be respect. Cliche as it is I've always related to a gibbs from NCIS or man with no name from the good the bad and the ugly. Most people misinterpret this as being cold, sullen or aloof. But in my eyes it's about respect. To give respect and be respected in a very straight forward understandable way.
But these things probably come with age.
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