Spiralling TW

[Blurryphaced]

I am so much better.

A few months ago, I was self harming every night, I was considering running away, i constantly wanted to die.

I started taking anti-depressants, things got better, and I feel happier, less stressed, and have been able to better control my desire to self harm. However, recently I feel like I'm starting to unravel. Thinking about the past, part of me wants to stop taking my meds so I can go back there because it's safer and I deserve it anyway. I want to feel sadder, I deserve all of it. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going to sabotage all my progress.

[Tiny_leaf]

@Blurryphaced I know what you mean...

I guess the thing about depression is that it can be episodic. It might be worth getting extra supports in place in case this is the start of another bout (I think that's the word..?) of depression.

That way you'll already have what you need to take care of yourself.

It also might be worth talking to the person who prescribed the antidepressants, as they may be working less for some reason (I got this due to a slight medication interaction, my dose was changed and I improved again fairly quickly).

If you don't have a safety plan for when you're suicidal, it might be worth making one. Please call Kids Helpline or Lifeline if those thoughts get too strong.

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

Hey @Blurryphaced.
We all know the feeling like this. At least us three here do.

I've never taken medication for depression, but I know how it feels to be happy, and then start unraveling from there.

I'm here for you if you need to chat.

What @Tiny_leaf has said, I completely agree with. Getting some supports to help you, can be really good. And a safwty plan is always a good solution for suicidal thoughts, too.

Here for you. Hugs.

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @Blurryphaced,

It's great to hear that you've been feeling better. Recovery can be a difficult journey, and that's okay. In your post, you mentioned that you want to kill yourself, are you safe right now? It's important that when our users talk about suicide, that you also confirm your safety (you can read more about it here). You can edit your post to include this safety mention, or include it in your reply. After 2 hours, we will edit it until you can confirm if you are safe today. We are thinking of you today

I also found some threads on recovery that may be helpful for you to look through. There is Recovery is and Recovery: our journey where other users have shared their experiences with recovery. No matter what happens, you still have all the knowledge and skills you have gained which you can continue to use to help you.

Making a safety plan, if you haven't already, is also a great way of helping us stay safe. Beyond Blue has a fantastic app or web service over here that guides you through the steps to making your own safety plan if you're interested.

We're here to support you

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Blurryphaced,

Hoping that you are going okay today We are all thinking of you and sending lots of wishes this way- we can hear how much pain you were in last night and are just so in awe of the openness and honesty you have shared with us  

I have just edited your post a little bit as @Jay-RO spoke about in the earlier post today- when you check in and let us know you are safe, we are happy to put the rest of the post back because it is really important you have a space to express these thoughts  

[WheresMySquishy]

Hi @Blurryphaced! I'm sorry that you're starting to feel down again. It can be really disheartening when we make progress only to end up taking steps back. Sometimes mental health can be like a rollercoaster with ups and downs. How are you feeling now?

I think it's a good idea to talk to the professional who prescribed you the antidepressants. Sometimes it can be dangerous to stop taking medication. Maybe they can alter your dose or prescribe you different medication if they think it would be beneficial.

There are also lots of other things that might help you feel better other than medication. Maybe your GP will have some suggestions. They might also reassess your mood. I think it would be a good idea to let a professional know how you are feeling. Sometimes thoughts can get stronger when we bottle them up. If you don't have access to a professional, there are helplines you can contact such as Lifeline and Kids Helpline, for example. Please let someone know every time you start experiencing suicidal thoughts.