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Suicidal and not Coping. ( Trigger Warning)

My name is ..Sunny.

Sunny sounds like it would be a nice name.

 

Obviously it's fake but please refer to me as Sunflower or Sunny. 

I'm lets say i'm between the ages of 19-25

 

The truth is... I've been thinking about dying a lot lately. 

Several times a week actually, every night for at least a couple of weeks. 

 

I get this gross feeling in my stomach and I would just cry by myself behind closed doors.

I live in a high stress environment. 

 

I'm studying at Uni, it's very demanding and exhausting. 

It's not really uni i'm having problems with..maybe my family. 

 

I had a pretty detached childhood, I was expected to figure out a lot of stuff myself.

I guess on the surface it looked like a normal childhood.

But it was a very lonely childhood. 

 

I didn't know how to ask for help most of the time, so I suffered by myself a lot.

My father skipped out of the picture when I was say 9-10-ish and I haven't seen him for a long time..not that I would want to he was...a bad person.

 

I was used to...not being heard or anyone being kind in an emotional supportive sort of way.

My mother had to raise the 5 of us by herself and we were poor.

I have a disabilities sibling as well as another older sister with depression ( who sometimes took it out on me sometimes)

 

This meant that my needs usually took the back burner and when someone has to raise 5 kids that means...that sometimes...I was left alone.

After a while I stopped crying in front of other people, I don't know how to tell people I'm not coping I think that it's only natural that I would gain some health problems from this like a mental blockage.

 

My mother thinks I'm just being lazy when I don't clean but the truth is it's because I'm suffering, suffering so much I don't know how to handle it so I just shut down lock myself in my room and get on my laptop.

 

A lot of the time what parents class as lazy...is...a cry for help...i'm not going to give myself a self diagnosis but.. when I look at other people it just seems like it's not normal to be sad this much.

 

So it's gotten more frequent this week my suicidal thoughts, I just..I'm tired..and I'm not going to lie about it...I'm so tired of pretending everything okay and that I'm okay so I don't inconvenience other people. 

 

I want to be important and come first..for once. 

 

Currently because she got mad at me I'm kicked out of the house an am just sitting in a neutral place, she gets mad at me and never seems to listen to me....it makes me feel alone...like there's always this wall between us...she doesn't really understand.

 

I'm not sure, she doesn't seem cruel enough to just kick me out with no way of being in a safe place at night time, it's dark now.

 

She's always classed me as the normal one out of her kids..which is a massive pressure..but sometimes...sometimes I just need people..sometimes I don't do well.

When I'm alone crying by myself, when I feel like dying. 

 

I don't expect other people to fix my mental health problems but I just want them to give a single damn about me...just care a little go out of their way to think of me..and whether I'm well. I tried not to be a pain, I don't want to burden other people. 

 

But I just want to know If I disappeared ...someone would miss me.

 

I don't know how to communicate this with my mom, she's always been this strong stoic figure...but I just...need her to tell me she cares even a little. 

 

Any advice?

 

Because I'm lost... at what to do..

 

Re: Suicidal and not Coping. ( Trigger Warning)

Hi @SunflowerRain thank you for sharing that with us and welcome to RO. I need to check that you are safe and able to keep yourself safe tonight? I'm sorry to hear that you have been going through such a tough time and I'm glad you reached out to us. We are definitely here to support you and give you advice. It's hard to keep up with the pressures of uni and family, I understand as I also come from a big family. What have you tried in terms of speaking to your mum? How are you looking after yourself tonight? Have you sought any counselling support? 

Re: Suicidal and not Coping. ( Trigger Warning)

I haven't done counselling before, I've never really been good at speaking about my emotions..I'm better when I write them down.
I remember trying to approach my mother about something concerning my feelings before even asking if she could be more sensitive, I don't remember the exact words but I do remember she basically fobbed it off that everyone has problems and that maybe she wasn't doing well either.
She's very intense and intimidating I'm not sure if she means to be maybe it's just her personality.
Based on that past experience ( I was 15-16 at the time and she'd also had a gut-ful because of my older sibling who had depression) I'm not sure if that was a contributing major thing either as to why she didn't really ever properly discuss it with me.
Ages ago I had told her that I attempted suicide but I think she forgot.
Because..I'm not important.
Tonight I'm probably going to try to go home and grovel it's not really like I have any other option.....

I...think I was a mistake probably I mean I must have been, she doesn't have...any time for me...I'm not her priority..I'm just....an object or a thing...I don't matter I don't think not in her eyes, not in her actions...it's a strange sort of distant coldness like ..there's been moments where it's been warm and fun to be around her...but then things like this happen and I feel...alone.  

It's...confusing...like there's this strange thing...that just doesn't connect with us. 

I love my mom...but I'm not sure if she loves me. 

Re: Suicidal and not Coping. ( Trigger Warning)

Im better at usually writing my thoughts down and emotions counselling sounds terrifying, my plan is to go to my moms house and grovel apologising it's not like I have another choice.
I have told my mom before that I wasn't coping but she seemed to have brushed it off. ( This was ages ago like when I was still a kid) but she sort of has this attitude of ignoring and pretending things are okay when they aren't.
I don't think... I matter at all to her..to be honest... I must be a mistake or mean nothing..

Re: Suicidal and not Coping. ( Trigger Warning)

Hi @SunflowerRain that's okay it's always daunting at first opening up to a complete stranger over the phone but you'll find it's also a good way to be heard and get some things off your chest. If you're more comfortable chatting online then you could also try eHeadspace. Alternatively if you want to try speaking to someone you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467, both available 24/7. I'm sorry to hear that your mum brushed it off when you've tried telling her before, I can imagine that would have been difficult for you. What things have helped you through hard times before? 

Re: Suicidal and not Coping. ( Trigger Warning)

Thank you.

You've been very kind to me and I really needed that tonight. Also thanks for this info-

I went home and she opened the door letting me in so don't worry,

I'm not on the street... I think I'm going to stay up a little late tonight..

Night time always helps me process and think things through.

I'm especially interested in (https://www.eheadspace.org.au/log-in/?redirect=/my-account/waiting-room/&v=a ) It might be a good way to learn how to up and work for my problems. 

Re: Suicidal and not Coping. ( Trigger Warning)

You're welcome @SunflowerRain I'm glad you found it helpful. We are here to support you when you need Smiley Happy It's great you are looking at eHeadspace as a way to work through your problems and finding ways to manage. Good to hear you are home and safe Heart

Re: Suicidal and not Coping. ( Trigger Warning)

@SunflowerRain How are you today?

Re: Suicidal and not Coping. ( Trigger Warning)

Sort of good but sort of bad.

Re: Suicidal and not Coping. ( Trigger Warning)

And what does sort of good, sort of bad look like or feel like for you? @SunflowerRain 

 

Also I just wanted to confirm I've noticed you've been writing Mom, so I just wanted to let you know if you're based in the US, some of the resources we've given you may not be the best resources for you?