Re: Almost died, lost my job, very stressed about university, feel rubbish.
Hey @Charlie-29-1999, sounds like you're really dealing with a lot right now. From your post, I can tell that you're a very capable person. Though my situation is not exactly the same as yours, I can identify with a lot of what you're saying. I'm wondering why you say that losing your GPA of 7 would cause you to have a mental breakdown, apart from the fact that uni and your grades are your life, as you put it?
I also want to acknowledge that you're taking active steps to improve your mental health and that you've been engaged in therapy for several years. I'm not sure if it's possible given your workload, but perhaps you could be put on the waiting list for your therapist to get an earlier appointment? Sometimes I do this when I really need to see my psychologist, and even if I don't get the appointment it will help me to feel like I've done something positive to help myself.
I also would recommend trying to carve out some time for self-care, if you can. You can't pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes, so making some time to fill up your cup with activities other than studying is really important to prevent burnout (even though it might feel indulgent or a waste of time, I promise it's not). Are there any self-care activities that you enjoy doing?
Also ACT is a wonderful therapy. I really enjoy the mindfulness component which I'm sure you'll learn, or might have already started learning. I'm a highly anxious person, but alongside therapy I've been doing a mindfulness course and practising mindfulness meditations for a few minutes a day on the Smiling Mind app. I've noticed it helps me focus my attention and also helps me to stop ruminating on negative or unhelpful thoughts as much as I used to (which can be really useful when you're feeling depressed).
____________________________________________________ “Your now is not your forever." ― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
Re: TW Almost died, lost my job, very stressed about university, feel rubbish.
Yes i feel the same as you and could relate to what you are going through. Studies are my life and I would die for it. But sometimes it gets too overwhelming and you wonder when it is going to stop. I know what you mean. In admist of my depression and in your case being in an ICU, you still seem to get perfect scores but is still somehow unhappy and have the fear of not being good for yourself. Yea i feel like there is this huge gloomy cloud above me everyday i wake up and I struggle to find peace and happiness although things seemed fine around me. As in there is food and a house to live in but I just feel depress everyday. Also, when I do make a tiny mistake in an exam I think about it over and over again until i crash and cry. I just cant fix the mistake and it is taking a toll on me. Well at least i found someone who understands how i feel and probably just letting my feelings out.
I'm sorry you're experiencing these thoughts and feelings. I used to feel similarly to you. I can relate to not feeling happy about my life, even during times when I should have been feeling happy. Making mistakes in exams also used to really get me down and make me feel bad about myself. As I got older, I realised that these things usually don't matter in the long term. There are lots of other ways that you can show how hard you work, that you have a lot to offer people and are a good person.
I try to practise self-compassion whenever I can. I think about what I would say to a friend who has come to me advice about the same issue. I would say things to them like, 'You tried your best' and 'It's not your fault'. When I think about it that way, I tend to feel better about myself. Sometimes we can be our own worst critic, unfortunately.