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TW: Anger, Aspergers and OCD

Hi! I've been having a really awful time lately. So as a background, I'm female, 16 and sometimes my dad gets really angry. He's not violent but he would scream and break things; a remote and punched through my door. He has been really trying to fix his and my relationship, but what he did effected me. Whenever he would slightly raise his voice I get terrible anxiety and I say I hate him. This happened the other day and I started to cry. My mum kept saying she didn't know what to do so I felt so helpless. I was getting so upset because I was scared that I may be a violent person because I'm scared that i may have thought about killing him because I'm so angry. My mum started crying too and she started saying "well I'll just divorce him and we'll lose the house.... is that what you want?" And I felt so terrible. And then she started saying 'I'm never happy, I'm never happy' and I hated myself so much and I was so angry at my mum because I thought 'does she want me to feel awful?' So I snapped. I felt so out of control and so overwhelmed with sadness that during this ordeal I thought about killing myself. I tend to when I get really upset. I felt like a monster. Then my sister came charging in and yelling at me. I was so upset and I hated myself. She said 'you are hurting everyone around you' and I hated myself so much I was so angry. And I was angry at my sister now because I hated myself so much. I seriously thought I was going to **** her. I thought I was so very close, but I walked past her and went to my room. Because I was so close to **** her I basically thought I **** her, and I think that I am no better than a king hitter. And I belong in jail. I tried to hurt myself but I couldn't because I couldn't bare the thought of pain. So I cut my leggings. I hate myself so immensely. Afterwords I went to apologise to my mum and sister and they said it's fine. Everyone gets angry sometimes. But I still feel awful. I feel that I am a terrible violent person and I want to die. We think I have Aspergers and that's why I struggle to control my emotions. But I don't want Aspergers because I don't want to be angry. We think my dad has it and hats why he had his episodes. But that makes me feel awful. I think I am no better than my dad. And I constantly dread being like him. I then googled 'Aspergers, anger' to maybe find reassurance and hear other people's stories. But instead I got 'common traits between domestic abuse and Aspergers anger.' I feel terrible. It said 'perpetrators CHOOSE to do what they did' and I hate myself. I don't want a relationship or children because ill probably just abuse them and traumatise them like my dad did to me. I hate myself so much. Am I crazy? Am I a violent person? I don't think I deserve love or my pets or anything. Help. Another thing that has really been effecting me is my OCD thoughts. I basically had a thought imagining a threesome (I'm sorry to be explicit, please forgive me) and I got that feeling when you feel aroused. I got so anxious after this. I am so scared I want threesomes and I just keep thinking about it. I feel like not myself and that I don't deserve love from my pets because I'm a weird, really sexual person. Or not innocent. I just feel crippling anxiety thinking 'oh you want to have threesomes.' Going over and over in my head. I feel awful. All this is really effecting me so deeply I feel like I can't do anything. I'm safe, don't worry, but I'm far from happy. Anyone with anxiety or OCD feeling these ways? I am in great need for help. Thanks everyone.

Re: TW: Anger, Aspergers and OCD

hey @ILikeCake

first of all i want to say welcome to RO and good on you for reaching out Smiley Happy Heart

 

@annabethxchase and i both struggle with some father issues and i know plenty other people here on the forums also have issues with their family. you are not alone Heart do you think you could open up to your mum calmly about the concerns of your dad ?

 

have you spoken to any counsellors, gps or other professionals ? if you haven’t i really suggest to give it a go ! 

 

i struggle with anxiety as well, is there any strategies you use when anxiety is becoming too much ?

 

i also want to say im really happy to hear you didn’t end up self-harming Smiley Happy it’s really good you were taking out on inanimate objects rather than yourself Heart have you spoken to anyone else about the your thoughts of suicide ? 

 

im going to tag a few members @Bree-RO (you also need to edit this since something’s breached the guidelines) @Bee @scared01 @lokifish @Jess1-RO

Re: TW: Anger, Aspergers and OCD

Hey there @ILikeCake firstly I just want to commend you on walking past your sister and straight into your room. It sounds like you're being super hard on yourself, which is not uncommon when others are being hard on us too, but the fact remains you managed to self-restrain in a moment of adrenalin and walk away from your sister without violence. This is actually pretty incredible, many people succumb to the need to act. Also thank you for sharing and opening up.

 

Definitely concerned about your Dad's behaviour. Do you feel safe living with him? Do you feel safe right now? I am glad you are not hurt, but throwing things around the house is violent and incredibly damaging to our emotional health.

 

What supports do you have access to at the moment? Would you consider giving the team at KHL a call and let them know what's been going on? You can also webchat with them here. Also would recommend SCBS if ever you are thinking of self-harm again, they're a really good service. You are so valuable and intelligent, it's important to remember we're all learning. We're all with our flaws and you are very self-aware and will absolutely make it through this Heart

 

In regards to the threesome thoughts, what makes you feel this is not okay? Fantasies are a very normal part of the growth process and a part of our sexual health. Is there a reason you are concerned about this particular one, or is it mainly because it is new?

 

 

*Also I edited a bit of your post - check out our community guidelines. RO doesn't allow methods of self-harm or abuse. No biggy, just keeping the whole community safe Heart Let us know how you're doing.

Re: TW: Anger, Aspergers and OCD

Wow @ILikeCake, that sounds like some really tough stuff you are going through right now and my heart goes out to you! Does it feel a bit better now you've told someone about it?

 

I have similar problem (as @litgym mentioned) with my father where he doesn't hurt us but punches through walls etc etc, so I understand what you are going through. I get the 'fixing' as well. It's totally valid to not be ready to forgive him and he needs to understand the amount of hurt hes caused you. Maybe you could talk to him about it depending on if you are comfortable or not?

 

Anxiety is a terrible thing to have to cope with - you are not alone in felling this way. Some people get 'triggered' by things (e.g. raising voices, yelling etc.) and it becomes really difficult to control your emotions & you mustn't blame yourself for it. There a some breathing techniques I would recommend when you are in this situation, My favourite is: 4 7 8, which basically means you inhale through your nose till the count of 4, hold for 7 then exhale slowly through your mouth.

 

Feeling helpless is also really terrible feeling, like litgym said counselling might be a good idea if you haven't already given it a go. Don't beat yourself up over this, by the sounds of it nothing is your fault and your anger is directed at you father/sisters wrongdoings Heart You aren't a monster  Heart

 

I'm really sorry to hear that this was so upsetting that it lead you to think about ending you life but super happy to hear that you didn't self-harm! I think @Bree-RO & @litgym have given some great advice about your sister & I have nothing else to add (Congrats on ignoring it even though it was tough Smiley Happy). 

 

Everything else has been covered Smiley Very Happy Keep us updated & thinking of you

Re: TW: Anger, Aspergers and OCD

Hello, thank you so much for your responses. I'm so sorry about breaching the guidelines. I had no idea and I'll make sure to look at them next time. One thing I should mention is that my dad getting angry is very rare, and it has only happened a few times in my life and it hasn't happened for quite a long time now, as I made him get some help and I think when he had his episodes he wasn't on his medication for depression. So he makes sure he's on his medication. So I am quite certain I am safe. But I feel silly when I react in such a strong way because his outbursts happened quite a while ago. Thank you for your concern. I actually do have a psychologist, but I have only just started to go and see her and she is in quite high demand so I haven't been able to see her for a long time. Hopefully as I become a regular I'll see her more. As for the threesome thing (sorry for being crude) I have just always thought that they are gross and weird and the thought of normal sex alone gives me extreme anxiety so this is just even more fear provoking. I probably shouldn't think of it as gross, but it's just how I feel about it. I am so terrified that I want to do this thing. Perhaps my OCD is telling me deep down I want this thing. But as per usual I doubt myself and can't tell if it's OCD or not. Thank you for the replies <3

Re: TW: Anger, Aspergers and OCD

I just don't want to be abusive or awful or angry or violent. I'm so scared.

Re: TW: Anger, Aspergers and OCD

Hi @ILikeCake.

 

We are really glad to hear that you are safe and are seeking the support of a psychologist. These thoughts are definitely something worth speaking with your psychologist about as they may have some strategies you can use when you feel angry or scared.

 

I can hear in your posts how self aware you are and how carefully you are thinking about how your behaviour may impact other people. Dealing with anger is really hard sometimes, and it definitely something worth speaking to a professional about. 

 

Have you heard of self care before? Do you do anything for self care at the moment? This includes different activities you might use when you are feeling scared or overwhelmed, or just general things that you enjoy doing. One example might be listening to music

 

We are always here too if you need to chat Heart

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Check out our community activities calendar for July 2019 here

Re: TW: Anger, Aspergers and OCD

Hey @ILikeCake,

I just wanted to echo what the others have already said. It sounds like you're really wanting to work on yourself which is such an admirable quality to have Smiley Happy

Self-care can be really important in between appointments, as @Jess1-RO mentioned. There's also the option of chatting to a helpline in between sessions with your psychologist, if you feel you need a bit more support Heart What do you think of that idea?
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Re: TW: Anger, Aspergers and OCD

Hello Smiley Happy thank you everyone for responding. I am doing my best to do things
that make me happy at the moment. I will definitely talk online to KHL or
something like that if I ever feel completely awful again, but I just can't
shake the feeling that I'm abusive Smiley Sad I hate making anyone in my family
feel awful and I feel sick to my stomach to think that I could be abusive.

Re: TW: Anger, Aspergers and OCD

Hi @ILikeCake thanks for reaching out to us. Sometimes in the heat of the moment we can think and feel things that we normally wouldn't. Your actions show a lot of self-awareness and self-control. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling awful, what ways can you look after yourself tonight? We're here to listen and support you Heart