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TW Blocking out everything to get by

Things seem to be going better this week. I went grocery shopping and stocked up food in my house. I spent time with my house mate chatting and relaxing watching shows. I went to two long 5-8 hour work shifts which weren't too bad and I'm glad I went. I also did clothes washing and have been reading my books and playing video games as distractions.

 

Yet - all week I've been struggling with a tight chest. I've had nightmares 2-3 nights in a row, and considered cancelling my work shifts and had to force myself to go. I contacted khl twice because i felt like everything was wrong and needed to talk. I can't be intimate with my bf cause everything has felt off. And I'm stressed and anxious about work starting back next week.

 

And I still have just under 2 weeks until my psych appointment.  I haven't been able to process anything that's happened to me and I just keep trying to block out negative thoughts just to get through the day. It's like I'm pretending none of the bad stuff is happening. Because if I focus on it I get really distressed and break down and that leads to me wanting to hurt myself. 

 

I just have a lot going on and it feels like there is no way to deal with it because it's too much at once. I'm trying though . I just wish this tight chest and awful feelings would go away and stop consuming my life. 

Re: TW Blocking out everything to get by

Hey @mspaceK, thanks for sharing all of this with us. You have told us previously how difficult these last few weeks have been for you. Some of the positives you have detailed here, sound really great and productive! Things still sound like they have been difficult but you have managed to make it to the end of the week. You managed to go shopping, attend your work shifts and called KHL, all with some pretty uncomfortable symptoms Smiley Sad Those are definitely some things that went 'right' and deserve focus and acknowledgement.

You don't have to deal with everything right at this moment. You can take it step by step.. it sounds like right now, focusing on the distress is not helpful and is quite triggering for you. It might be best to wait (if possible) to explore this with your face-to-face counselor. When opening up our trauma or topics that are likely to escalate our feelings, it is most helpful to do this in a supportive and professional environment. You are not expected to do it alone and I know it is such a long wait for you Heart Here to listen.

Re: TW Blocking out everything to get by

Thank you @Taylor-RO . I am having a relaxing weekend so far thankfully. Playing video games with my house mate and hanging with my bf. 

 

Tomorrow night I am seeing my dad for a family dinner which I am not too keen about. Being in my parents family home triggers alot of memories and uncomfortable feelings which i am not looking forward to. I won't know how it goes until after. I'm just going to try and focus on seeing my sibling, for their sake and focus my energy on being there for them. It will be a couple hours Smiley Sad then I'll see my bf straight after. 

 

I am sad because i really wish my headspace groups were happening. I feel so off the grid with having people around to help or at least talk to. I have a dog therapy group and an art therapy group. Still a week to wait. 

 

 

Re: TW Blocking out everything to get by

Hey @mspaceK. I'm so proud of you for doing those things, and they went right. Sometimes, you just have to ignore the bad thougts and urges. I'm not saying that you have to do all the time, but I agree with @Taylor-RO. Wait until your face to face chat with your counselor, and see what happens then. I can relate to the feeling of not addressing your problems, but if you do, feel so distressed that you lose control. It sucks. It really does. But I know you can get through these next two weeks. I know you can. Maybe try and recite a mantra or something... like....
You are strong, you are beautiful, you are enough. Keep reminding yourself that, and maybe... just maybe... it can get you through your day. Try it for one day, and see if it helps. If it does, go for another day, etc.

Idk if this helps, but I have tried before, and it helped at least a little bit. Enough to calm those distressed feelings down.

Can you try that for me?
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Re: TW Blocking out everything to get by

Morning @xXLexi_Lou122Xx . I think the one I use alot is where I tell myself "I know these bad things have happened to me and it isn't fair, but I don't deserve to throw my life away because of a few shitty people. I am worth it and I deserve to have happy moments. They are worth living for and so many people care about me. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you care too mspaceK . " 

 

I will try it and see how it goes. 

 

I gotta get ready for a nice lunch with my boyfriend! We're going to get food and hang out until later! I am looking forward to it even though I can feel anxiety and tension building up! I already slept in but that's okay. I needed the sleep. 

 

Thank you for being there for me. I know I haven't gone on your threads much. I haven't felt like I have been able to right now. So thank you. 

 

What are your plans for today?

Re: TW Blocking out everything to get by

Hey @mspaceK. That's good to hear. I'm about to have lunch, delicious KFC, but I was just at church, because it was an easter service. But I am struggling atm. So I ended up crying. Otherwise, I'm going to church tonight, alone... my siblings are being a**holes... so I need time away from them. So... yeah.

I don't mind helping you. I honestly don't mind if you can't come to any of my threads either. It's completely fine. I understand that you've been struggling too. Sending virtual hugs.

Re: TW Blocking out everything to get by

I know sometimes it can be good to let out a cry @xXLexi_Lou122Xx . I hope the time at church is able to help you be a bit more at ease with the things you are struggling with right now. 

 

I had lunch and browsed around the shops and now just been having relaxing alone time with my boyfriend. It's nice. It's just the two of us and he makes me happy Smiley Happy i am so grateful to have him. 

 

Sending hugs back <3 

Re: TW Blocking out everything to get by

I can't block it all out right now :'( i just left my parents and drove to a random car park. I had to leave. My anxiety was through the roof. I had to keep counting to 5 and reminding myself to breathe. I hated every minute of being there and my dad acted so nice and forced to hug me. I have just been balling my eyes out. I have about 45 minutes until my bf is hone and i can drive to his house to see him.

 

Why is everything so wrong in my family? I don't want anything to do with them. I feel so alone. They make me feel like an outcast and everything feels wrong. As usual they were arguing with each other. Part of the reason why i left. Nothing has changed. 

 

I hate this :'(

 

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx @scared01 @Taylor-RO 

Re: TW Blocking out everything to get by

Aww... I'm so sorry to hear that @mspaceK! I hate it when things like that happen. Can I ask, did you HAVE to go? I wouldn't have gone in the first place, if things are so bad.

How are you this morning?

Re: TW Blocking out everything to get by

I went to see my sibling who barely gets to see me and also because it was Easter and I was trying to be nice @xXLexi_Lou122Xx . I just get reminded of all the things i wish didn't happen and how awful things have been growing up with them. Family conflict and violence and so called family holidays that always ended in arguments. It makes me sad that things have been this way and I wish they were different and I can't change the past or how my parents are. It is what it is Smiley Sad 

 

I left when I could because I just couldn't stand being there any longer.