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TW: Drinking isn't enough anymore..

Hm.. I don't really know where to start.. Or even if this is worth trying.. But i guess I'm doing it for something.. 

I'll just start from where i think I should. 

I'm 25, I started drinking at 16 and overtime relied on it more and more. I don't know when I became an "alcoholic" but I know it's been a fair while and I'm in a bad place now.

I know it got worse about 3 years ago when i was drunk, and someone i trusted with my life (they were also drunk) harshly sexually assaulted me (i have never sobered up so fast or felt so sick), and i reassured them and held them so many times for a year afterwards telling them that it was okay and held them while they cried over assaulting me. It took a year later, me breaking down, them forcing me to put my phone in the fridge so i couldn't record them admitting to it, but when they did, they apologised with a fucking smile on their face.. They were who i thought was the love of my life.. I still think they were.. I know, i know, im only 25. I've been single for 2 years and have felt nothing for anyone since.

Sex has become nothing to me. I'm lesbian, i slept with one guy before her and only to prove to certain people i was actually gay, i was waisted and passed out during it.. But, now since her i've slept with 10+ guys (7ish this year).. 

I know.apparemtly pain gets better with time, but i'm not so sure anymore. 

I try so hard to be the strong one in my small family. But things keep going down for me and its my fault.. A few days ago i was drunk and on the phone to my ex bestfriend of 8years (shes completely cutting me off because she got in a relationship, the only person i actually talk to), this was the first time she spoke to me in months and i was in a really bad place, by the end of the call, she had the police and ambulance at my house in the hope i would stop feeling because alcohol wasn't numbing enough.. I was forced to spend the night and most of the next day in hospital, my brother and sister found out because she had msgd them (i would never have told them), they are surprisingly supportive but i feel like now they see me as weak..

Drinking is the only way i cam stop feeling, but its not working so much anymore..

Anyway that's a little about me..

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Re: Drinking isn't enough anymore..

Hi @KayBee, welcome to the forums.

I just wanted to say, it's really brave to ask for help, especially after going through something so difficult.

 

Sexual assault can be really traumatic, especially if it came from someone you loved..

But it and what happened after was not your fault, and you deserve support.

I know how shitty it can be to find yourself in the emergency department, and while I'm sorry that you had to go through that I'm glad that you were able to get help, and that your brother and sister are supportive.

 

I'm just wondering, do you have any professional supports?

They can be really useful when dealing with stuff like this.

 

I'll come back to this thread when I've had a bit more sleep and can find more resources.

Until then, you might find this site helpful: https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/what-is-counselling-online

They offer support and counselling for people who are affected by alcohol and drugs, so they might be worth checking out.

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Re: Drinking isn't enough anymore..

Hi @KayBee,

 

@Tiny_leaf has offered some lovely words of support and a really great referral, I would love to hear your thoughts on some of the questions in Tiny_Leaf's post. 

 

The step you have taken today to openly, honestly and courageously share your experiences is really incredible, and I want to acknowledge that the decision to post here would not have been an easy one Heart We are very grateful you have reached out to ask for help and start a conversation about the experiences you have had these last couple of years, and how you are coping.

 

You have mentioned having an experience of assault- I am wondering if you have spoken to anyone about this before? To echo @Tiny_leaf's comment, you deserve every support to help you come through this- we definitely hold this hope with you Heart You have also mentioned that alcohol has been something you have turned to to cope when things get tough, have you sought support after hospital for alcohol use?

 

If you ever need someone to talk to, I would really highly recommend BlueKnot's helpline which is a trauma safe and supportive service, as well as 1800 RESPECT Heart Thank you for reaching out and putting your trust in this community to talk about the difficult experiences you are having- we are around to talk whenever you need us Heart

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Re: TW: Drinking isn't enough anymore..

I hope you’re ok xox...idk what to tell you but don’t give up life will fix itself it always does in the end ♥️