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TW: FML I am screwed.

Well my last hope said no today the only and I mean ONLY program for eating disorders in my state said I was too complicated And that because I have other mental health issues that I wasn't suited to their service. When I asked them who could help me they didn't know. They just said see a private psychologist well do you know how freaking had it is to find one of those who can deal with all my shit. I have been seeing 2 different ones BOTH of which are leaving at the end of the year and I haven't found anyone to replace either. Which by the way has been costing me $800 per fortnight and I have only been getting $400. So now my parents have been poor too. Oh and my psychiatrist doesn't know what to do with me my GP said I had exhausted all of my options. And everyone is pretty much saying that have no f-ing clue what to do with me. As far as my reasearch has led me there is NOTHING is the whole freaking country that deals with complex mental health issues and meds made me worse ( I have tried over 20 different ones) therapy isn't working even though i have been doing it for over 10 years. Hospital gave me PTSD and the staff are abusive and everything is so intense that I am fighting everyday to try not to end it all but I am not sure I can do that much longer because I am not ok and I am not coping and I don't have much fight left in me but I have no options for help. I have been banned from using headspace and kids helpline because I am too complicated and lifeline and suicide call back just tell me to try other helplines. Well I am officially fucked and there is nothing I can do anymore. I am safe for now. I don't expect any advice I just needed to rant because I can't stop crying and I am not sure what else to do. Mental health has taken all my dreams, my money, my family's money, my life, my friends, and all my strength from me and there is nothing I can do to get any of it back. It has ruined everything and it has won. 

Re: FML I am screwed.

Hi @Eden1717 I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this, it sounds extremely difficult. You have been trying so hard to get some supports in place, that must be so frustrating to be turned away I really feel for you Smiley Sad The financial strain doesn't make it any easier either, unfortunately psychologists are not cheap. Thank you for letting us know that you are safe. We are always here to listen and support you as best as we can, sending you lots of hugs Heart

Re: FML I am screwed.

Hey @Eden1717, I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time, and have been for however long you've had to deal with this. Mental health is costly, difficult and exhausting - thanks for feeling comfortable enough to rant here. But you know what, I know that it hasn't worked out in the best ways, but good job on persevering, on hanging on and searching through every avenue to get your mental health on track. I understand how you're tired and want to give up, but please keep persevering, we're all here for you.

Re: FML I am screwed.

I am really not ok today and I don't know what to do anymore I don't have any options anymore there is nothing left. I am supposed to see my psychologist tomorrow but I have no idea what to say because I am scared to tell them the truth and even if I did there is nothing I can do I am not ok at all but I can't let anyone see in case they send me back to the hospital. I can't even explain how badly the hospital hurt me and I am so tired I am so incredibly exhausted from the constant battle going on inside me I can't stop crying I just feel so lost and defeated. I have ruined everything  and I want to give up but I don't want to make other people hurt like I do but I just don't know if I can keep going I haven't go anything left in me to fight with. I am sorry for the rant I am safe for now I just can't stop crying today. 

Re: FML I am screwed.

Hey @Eden1717, firstly I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think being worried about sharing what's going on for you with the psychologist is understandable given how you feel about going back to the hospital. I guess the hard thing is that at the same time your care team needs to know how hard things are for you, so that they can support you in the best way possible? You probably have but I just wanted to ask have you spoken to them about your experiences in hospital? and lastly, please let us know how we can help you best tonight?

 

Also thank you so much for letting us know your feeling safe for now. It's very much appreciated Heart

Re: FML I am screwed.

@Erin-RO I really honestly don't know what will help anymore I am trying so hard to make it to Christmas because it is important to my family but I really don't know if I will I feel so out of control. My eating is a mess, I am so anxious I have literally been ripping out my eye lashes and there are nearly none left right now. I am scared because I feel like I am going to SH again because that seems to be the only thing left to make it through the day. My head is going all over the place and I keep having a lot of intense thoughts about things that it is not safe to share with anyone. I can't stop the nightmares. I keep going from laughing one minute to crying my eyes out the next. I am really agaitated and really stressed and I am not ok and nothing is helping and I don't know what to do no where is safe anymore if they find out what is going on they will hurt me again and I can't do that I can't I am not ok I can't make it stop and nothing is helping. Again I am safe atm 

Re: FML I am screwed.

I really feel for you @Eden1717 and I admire your strength. I know you might not feel strong at the moment but to be going through what you are and being able to support others on RO like you have, shows a great strength of character and compassion Heart 

 

Maybe if you can just try to focus on getting through really small blocks of time and what's working for you in the moment that might feel less overwhelming?

 

I am about to log off for the night but as you've shown such awesome support for others, I wonder what you would say to someone who is going through a similar situation as you? Sometimes this is a much easier way to figure out what we need, as it's often much easier to access our compassion and care for others, as it is to do it for ourselves. Does this make sense?

 

And again thank you for confirming your safe Heart

Re: FML I am screwed.

@Erin-RO TBH nothing makes anything less overwhelming. I feel really weird today at least if I am not eating I won't feel like I have hurt myself as urgently. Still I feel really agitated and just plain weird. I want to scream at everyone and idk my body feels exhausted because of what I have been doing to it the last few months but mentally I feel like I am going to explode. And I am kind of angry well not kind of I am really angry about all the hospital trauma stuff. I also feel really out of control and can't seem to stop myself doing weird things but then also ugh idk how to explain it never mind I am just going to see how long I can make it before I pass out. 

Re: FML I am screwed.

Hi @Eden1717,

 

I can really hear how painful things have been for you Heart We are all thinking of you Heart

 

You mentioned feeling really exhausted and also agitated/angry- I can imagine these must be really exhausting feelings and it makes sense that your body is feeling tired managing these big emotions and experiences.

 

I really want to echo what @someone123 has said, which is that it is great that you feel like you can talk about this and try to put the feelings down into words Heart That is such a brave thing to do Heart How does it feel to put the words down in writing and have a vent space?

 

I have seen the games threads are super active today too if you need a space to chill out Smiley Happy

 

Re: FML I am screwed.

I honestly don't know how I feel or what to do anymore I feel like I am just on auto pilot and trying to scrape through the days I am barely holding on and I feel like I am about to fall. I don't even know how to explain it but what is the point anyway I am screwed if I do and screwed if I don't. Oh well I guess I will just see how long I can go without dying.